Archive for November, 2005

Bubonic Plague and Playing Doctor

Wednesday, November 23rd, 2005

So hey, it’s been a while. Yes, I’m still writing my paper. Let me begin with a lovely poem, written by Mark:

My Undying Love For Liz

(Sonnet 69) [how clever]

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Get in my bed
So I can boane you.

- Mark Hale

How… Mark Hale…

Here’s one by Steve (McGee, not either of the Hollys’ boyfriends):

Roses are red
And so is your head.
Bingo.
- Steve McGee

I <3 fizzicks class.

So I got to see my doctor today. I had to have a physical for this internship I’m doing. He’s a good guy, Dr.  is. Most of you know, he was my first crush. Don’t get jealous, it wasn’t a very physical physical. The most physical thing he did was look at my abdomen… my tight, firm abdomen.

Davo says I blog too much. I beg to differ.

So I’m looking in my notebook and I see a quote from myself: “I hate that fuckin’ triangle.”
What was I talking about?

Last year in Geometry, I was playing with my bangs, and Jessica Joes said, “Hey, Liz! Your hair is an isocelese triangle!” and Ian said, “Hey, Mister Par! I got a triangle on my head! I been schtudyin’… in the mirror!”

Well I guess that’s just one of those stories.

I have a glowing ass of awesomeness

So Hog, Sarah, and I were doing lunch at Mc Donald’s one day and Hog had this salad with some nasty looking dressing… it was white with green specks in it and it was dripping out of the packet, and I said, “gross hog, that looks like chlamydia.” So we were of course making fun of her, like we always do, about Brad or something, and she said, “Give me a break, I’ve got chlamydia!”

“Guess what?… Let’s go on an African Safari.”
- Holly Pery

“If I gave birth to a dog, I’d be so happy.”
- Sarah Mahonn

So I got my “unrestricted license” today. Fishing license. Just kidding. The driving kid.

Yeah, so Jade is in love: )

<3 <3 <3

Oh, and I’ve decided on MTSU for my undergrad. New York will have it’s chance for Med School.

For Jared

Thursday, November 10th, 2005

So Jared, my Pooncake, came into the shop today and with dismay, stated that I hadn’t blogged in quite some time. I suppose this is the truth… My last blog was about this weekend, so it has been a good 3 or 4 days, which, I know for some of you, is hell without a crazy old Liz blog.

Jared and Liz are going on a date! (Jill would shit a brick/ go into labour. She wants us to do it. Probably just so she can laugh.) We’re going to see Rent the night that it comes out. I wonder if he puts out… : )

bownchickabowown…

So according to Holly Pery, things are good. She and I are going on a road trip this December to suprise the boys. The road trip -happens- to be on a very special anniversary, so I’m making cookies. (I hope Steve doesn’t read this.) I told Holly, and she almost pissed herself.

Speaking of pissing selves, I changed this baby’s diaper today. Newborn baby poop is about ass gross as poop gets. It’s like molasses. Seriously. And my favourite part is when you take the diaper off and they keep pooping and peeing and pooping some more, so you have to change the pad. And when he pees, he gets it all over your scrubs. I love that.
Actually, I don’t mind it, really. I love babies. Old people and babies. And pregnant women.
Wait… I love taking care of pregnant women. I don’t love hanging out with pregnant women. They can be bitches. Jill isn’t -quite- so bad, unless you get her on a bad day. Jessica Keling, on the other hand, whew. She is my friend/ cointern, and can be a raging bitch, and she knows it. But holy crap, when she’s pregnant, I don’t even want to talk to her. She’s ungrateful. Arg. But when I get pregnant, I’ll be like that to her.

However, I’m not pregnant, because I haven’t been exposed to the elements in quite some time.

So Monday, I’m spongebathing this crippled dude. He keeps complaining and cussing me that I’m hurting him (he can’t feel anything below his chest), I’m not doing this right, etc etc etc, and then he saw my nametag, which says “Intern.” Then he freaks out. “Oh GD you’re just an intern, that’s why you don’t know the hell you’re doing. You cant do this, blah blah blah blah BLAH.” I said, “Listen, I may just be an intern, but I think I’m qualified to wipe your ass.” He shut up. I guess he realized I’m no pansy : ) So I continue bathing him, and OH MY GOSH. That’s right. I didn’t even touch it! I just looked down and noticed, my patient got an erection. I just acted like I didn’t notice, and finished up as soon as possible. Here are other peoples’ reactions to the story:

Mum: I’m sure right after you finished up, he did too…
Kristen: Was the erection guy the same guy who’s dead body you moved?
Mark Adam: Well, I’d get an erection too, if you were bathing me.
Brad: Was he old? (no) Oh, well, he should have been old. It would have been funnier.

Jared had a good point:
Jared: It was probably just out of nervousness
Liz: What do you mean?
Jared: Would you want a hot guy to see you naked?
Liz: … chyah…
Jared: In a medical situation like that… You’re hot, he’s naked.
Liz: But don’t you learn how to control that when you’re about 14?
Jared: Nuhuh… I still have to think about fat hairy naked women.
Liz: But I was wearing scrubs!
Jared: Maybe he had a nurse fetish..

As a dancer who has changed in front of her peers for about 14 years now, I don’t get qualms about being naked, but I suppose it would be embarrassing for me for a hot dude nurse to see me in a state like that naked. Funny story:

Most of you know about my horrible sickness last spring. Mum found me passed out on the bathroom floor in a puddle of my vomit, etc. I went to the ER, where some young nurse dude gave me a shot in my ass. Well the other day, this same dude was blatantly flirting with me, and he asked me for my phone number. What do I say? “Sorry, but you saw me naked/ in my duckie robe, covered in my own vomit. I don’t think this could work between us.” I mean, he obviously didn’t remember me. But, wow, how awkward… If we got married, here’s our honeymoon: “Sweetie, remember that night a few years ago, vomit/ duckie robe girl? yeah that was me.”

But that erection story was more awkward than the water breaking story. I saw her in Walmart, by the way.

When Steve, John, Holly, and I went to Paducah Sunday, we went to ToysRUs. The most surreal thing happened. Driving into the parking lot, we saw some kid laying in the grass, playing with his hair. Steve said “He looks like a character from a romantic poem.” I walked over there as they watched. He didn’t notice me upon him, so I said, “Hi.” He jumped a little. I looked at him and said, “Are you a character from a romantic poem?” He didn’t say anything. He just looked at me, as I looked at him. After a 15 second period of silence, I smiled and walked back to my comerades. They congratulated me on my feat.

I wish someone would have caught that on film. It was like a scene from a hip indie film. Except it didn’t have a deep underlying meaning. *snap snap*

I got bored at work and put on makeup. Eyeshadow, mainly. Alot of it. I like it. It’s very avant garde/ fairy. Or you could say it was Hillary Duff. I’ll take avant garde.

Some little girl said the other day that she wants to take vocal lessons because she wants to be able to sing like Lindsey Lohan. I told her, “All you need to sing like Lindsey Lohan is a good producer, sweetie.”
Lindsey Lohan sickens me. Even with her producer, she still sounds… bad. Seriously, if she had a nice voice, I would say, ” I hate her, but she does have a nice voice.” She is… bad. And her album is targeted to 8- 14 year old girls. I know someone who has the album, and when one unfolds the liner notes, there is a picture of her in nothing but a white button up shirt in a very suggestive pose. And then on the back, there’s a small photograph of her giving the double deuce…

ugh.

I’m getting my nasty mullet cut off tomorrow.

My Pleasure

Monday, November 7th, 2005

John said that, and Liz, Holly, and Steve are the only people who get it. Well, mainly Holly and Liz, because Steve was pissed about his frozen tilape. It’s Alaskan. I love funfilled weekends. They’re so… fun. Llove Llamas and couchbedcouches… Retarded kids riding horses and semen in the toothpaste… Steve’s apartment- famous Liz coffee and characters from romantic poems… Skeletor and banana phone… dropping a fork in a fancy restaurant and talking about anal sex in front of the children… Mutual love of Death Cab For Cutie and Mutual love of Lamp… Boys in shitty moods and Girls in giddy moods… Discussions about existence at Booksamillion and discussions about Biscuits in our jammies at 6AM at Steve’s apartment… Hump Checks and Crackers… Condoms falling from English books and Liz falling from the couchbedcouch… Stealing candy from the pumpkin at work and all those statues of Chase in Union City… needed ASSistance in Steve’s shower and jumping on the bed in my underwear– with Carson Daly.

Holly and Steve have an uncanny ability of coming in at the wrong time. And Steve has an uncanny ability of waking up at 3 in the morning because I ran to his bathroom in my underoos to brush my teeth. He also has an uncanny ability of having incredibly cool friends. I had a great weekend. Actually, the only people to whom this section is directed probably won’t ever read this. Holly never looks at my blog. Steve’s Christian brother with the girlfriend with the stepchild has a myspace… and John might care to read it. Skeletor.

Steve really needs a haircut. At Jillian’s Salon and Spa. Seriously though, here is my Steve story:

Holly told me about this awesome kid with whom she had fallen in love, from Alabama. I saw him at a football game, not knowing it was him, and I “put the moves on him.” To my suprise, they didn’t work. I, of course, assumed he was gay… because I mean, really (is)… So then I saw him talking to Holly and I thought, “Oh. It’s because he’s in love.” So I apologized, laughed, told Holly the story, and then told him my apple story. Holly made me. I hate apples. Applesauce all the way.

I was in Mr. West’s class, and Kristen said I had applesauce… Orion Fox immediately asked if he could have some. I almost pissed myself with laughter.

UTM has the best English and Law programs in the country… (snort)… We sure fooled them, Holly.

I don’t think I could go a blog without mentioning my breast friend Zephyr. She’s a girl.

But in conclusion, Holly and I got very close this weekend. We spooned in our undies, for Jeebus sakes.

I usually hate people who are just like me. However, I just met someone who is very much like me, and I find him pretty cool. Intellectually stimulating. Just ask me about BooksAMillion.

I have -not- seen everyone live. Not Death Cab, not Stephen Lynch, and not Weezer.

Just kidding about the Weezer part.

“He’s going to be in a great mood today!”

NOT. Oh my gosh, how completely wrong and opposite can one get? Holy Cuhrap. I found that quite hilarious.

Holly hates dead baby jokes. She felt bad about making fun of the retarded kid. Technically, she wasn’t making fun of the kid, just the dad who was only trying to bring some joy into the poor kid’s life.

Welcome to my world, Holly.

So at the hospital, I wiped alot of asses. I did make friends with a cute little old lady with Alzheimers. I was the only person to whom she would talk. That made me feel really special. Seriously. Out of all of those nurses, she connected somehow with me. She won’t even talk to her family, usually. She has a sweet little smile : )

Colostomy bags are the worst.

You think you would be nice to the person who’s wiping your ass.

Saving lives, intelligence, and law school are so hot. They turn me on.

I have a car. She is beautiful. I haven’t picked out a name yet:

1. Virgie
2. Placenta
3. Chlamydia
4. Geraldine
5. Areola
6. Fluid

Vote/ Make Suggestions

Yeah yeah, I like NFG… so : )

Just so I don’t forget, Holly and or Steve can come to my house and use my computer any time. I really don’t mind. Steve let me use his toothpaste, afterall : )

Thanks, Steve. Not just for the toothpaste and the couchbedcouch. No, that wasn’t meant to sound sexual. Guhross. No offense. But guhross.

Google, Lvl. 1

Thursday, November 3rd, 2005

“Assets sounds alot like asses”

- Zephyr Goddinger

I love googling myself. Once I found a really horrible “fansite” about myself. Everyone should google themselves regularly.

“Liz is”

Liz is working on picking out the pear-flavoured jelly belly jellybeans
Oh my god, Liz is in my kitchen!
Liz is cute.
Liz is right to put fatties in a tight spot.
Liz is an escort, and a quite successful one at that.
Liz is beautiful when she smiles. She is also almost fifty-five years old.
Liz is pregnant
Liz is using the fiddle as her voice
Liz is also one of the most sought-after vocalists in the New York cabaret/musical scenes.
Liz is dynomite! She inspires the rest of us fiddlers to play until our fingers fall off.
Liz is also a member of the all-women vocal group Singin’ Sistahs
Liz is one of the newest additions to the Texan’s Cheerleaders.
Liz is (she reminds us again and again) fat, plain and friendless.
Liz is an extreme case of a young person’s sexual activity.
Wiz’n’Liz is certainly cutesy - very cutesy
Liz is shot by Charlene at the prison wedding.
Liz is the only human who has had flashes like the aliens get
Liz is a trainee dolphin interpreter
The medicine has kicked in and Liz is suddenly free of the shakes.
Liz is really cool and has a hat with a little plastic baby dangling from it.
Liz is a MOTHERFUCKER! She¡¯ll push your record straight to hell!
Liz is standing nearby, and she watches in horror as the priest’s blood flies
Liz is a pyrokinetic
Liz is one of my burros, which are also called donkeys.
Liz, aka Pretty Liz, is a beautiful white and brindle almost 3-year-old female
Liz is also a mistress
Liz is such a tramp
Liz is in the trunk of this car. And she is dead.
Liz is a potty-mouthed musical goddess. Nice. ‘course, if you did have a romp with Liz, you wouldn’t care whether anyone else believed it.
Liz is over fifty, looks it, and scoots off to an Italian clinic for a little nip and tuck.
Liz is a bore, a needy, terrified bore.
Liz is doing OK after needed surgery. Her fur has now grown back.
Liz is one of many who are struggling with the concept of oral sex.
Liz is a bad driver. A really bad driver.
Liz is starting to scare me… She’s been singing (if that’s what you want to call it)some song about sunbeams.
eww, liz is becoming elton john.
Liz is downstairs making cheese sauce with the girls
Liz is not acting normal at all.
Liz is calm and, despite the puffing of flesh below her eye
Liz is tied to a table and we pour a jug of water into her mouth.
Liz is a large-boobied, full-figured gal who rests her massive jugs on the console and takes a humorous approach to sex, sexuality, sexual matters, and other sex-related, uh, stuff.
Liz is a kickass lesbian “who can out-think, out-fight, and out-drink most guys, if given the chance.”
Liz is helping me make ham sandwiches, which we stuff into a duffel bag.
Liz is working on her urge to eat ice cream for dinner every night
Liz is a fanatic, and extremist, a kook, and a traitor.
Liz is at a spa for cold-blooded animals.
Liz Is Next, sit on my cock honey.
The best thing about Liz is that her room is even more of a pigsty than mine
Now all of a sudden, Liz is putting on makeup, hanging out with the popular kids
Liz is currently milking about 90 lbs/day, stands 66¡± tall at the withers
Liz is just about the cutest goddamned thing on the face of this earth. She’s a
tiny, tiny thing.
Liz is short, has fiery red hair and a definite Scottish accent
Liz is Hard-of-Hearing and has always been partially blind
Liz is married to a farmer. who works a very large plot of land
Liz is a womenizer !!!?
Liz is naked again
Also known as Lizard, Liz is the loudest belcher of the bunch.
Liz is a smelly poo head and has very bad body odour
Maybe Liz is tired of being this idolized feminist rock icon that confronted sexuality from an angle that very few women ever had before. (neh, I’m not)
Liz is put up for sale in a German Reptile shop

So I hope you enjoyed that. I sure did : )

icecreamheadacheface

Thursday, November 3rd, 2005

You ever notice how when people have an icecream headache, they always make the same face? It’s funny. Just thought I should point that out.

Ben Lee, Ben Kweller, Ben Folds, and Ben Harper: Everyone has his or her favourite… well, they should.

A few months ago, I would have said that Kweller is my favourite, because he was such a nice guy when I met him at Weezfest ‘02, and he has red hair. However, this summer, Dan got me into Lee, who is a genius. Much like Weezer, all of his songs are very different. Catch My Disease makes me smile uncontrollably… it’s sooo fun to dance to. Gamble Everything For Love is simply constructed, and the lyrics are outstanding. Apple Candy is very sentimental… it makes me cry. Such a great song. Everyone should listen to it. It’s just a good song. I can’t decide which is my favourite Ben Lee song: Catch My Disease or Apple Candy. They’re both simply grood songs, but in totally different ways.

Ben Folds… I saw him in concert with Weezer this summer. He’s a funny/ nerdy guy, and his guitarist likes to shake his bum, which is always cute : ) When I saw him, he played this Dr. Dre cover, Bitches Ain’t Shit. It was the FUNNIEST thing ever. I didn’t even know the Dr. Dre song, but wow. Even my brother likes it. But this is how he introduced it: “This is a song I wrote with Dr. Dre. Well actually, he wrote most of the lyrics. Actually, I don’t even know if he is aware of my existance.”

I can’t really say much about Harper. Sorry, Ben.

Oh, and then there’s Jade’s boyfriend, Ben Walsh. He’s a Canadian.

I’ve told so many people that I’m buying them a pizza, simply quoting Strongbad. I owe alot of people pizzas.

I want to throw a lightswitch rave.

Is my undawears showing?
Yes ma’am.
Grood.

So today was my last day in Physical Therapy… yes!

After my one patient, I went to the nursery and fed the babies, which is like feeding the ducks but a whole lot cooler.

I think I’m going to make a liripipe. That would be cute. Ah, new sewing projects…

Does Liz Get Embarrassed?

Wednesday, November 2nd, 2005

To start off on a horrible note, wow, I have just realized that there is -one- thing I can think of that I’m embarrassed about… my past relationships. I’m not embarrassed about what I’ve done or anything, but oh my gosh… Zephyr and I were just talking about this one kid that I dated, and… my. My my my. What’s wrong with me?

I’m definately not a bitter person, by the way, but I’m just saying.

guh ross. I’m such a girl. I basically just dated this kid because he was there… he was mean to me, didn’t respect me, made me think I was stupid, when I now realize that he couldn’t handle the fact that his GIRLFRIEND was smarter than he was.

Why do girls do this? I’ve done this twice in my life. One was fairly recently, and the other was my freshman year. I think both of these times, I did it because I may have been afraid of being alone? Not sure. Girls are silly. I really do enjoy singledom. You get to flirt with whoever, you don’t have to answer to anyone, etc. I don’t know why I was afraid of it.

Sidenote: Isn’t it funny how people change?

But yes, funny moments that most people would usually find embarrassing:

So today, I was carrying about 5 bags of blood back from the lab. I was really hoping I would see someone I know (like another intern, not Mrs. Helen or mum or Zephyr) so I could be like, “Oh, check it out: I’m carrying lots o’ blood.” Oh, and I was carrying a bag of platelets that kind of looked like vomit. Runny vomit. Anywho, my hands were full, and then this 7-year-old patient, totally unsupervised, comes behind me and depants me. It’s one thing to be depanted, but another to be depanted in front of an audience: a waiting room full of people, 3 nurses, a radiologist, and an old man in a wheelchair; with your hands full of blood that you can’t put down or else it’s considered contaminated. I’m standing there, arms full of blood, pants down, checkered panties showing (Zephyr has matching ones), audience gawking. Am I embarrassed? Hells no. I laugh. The old man in the wheelchair said, “I’d like to race through that checkered flag.” I just kindly asked the little girl to pull up my pants, which she did.

I mean, seriously, what would being embarrassed accomplish? Nothing.

Good thing I wasn’t going commando. Now I might be embarrassed in that case…

Yesterday I worked in Physical Therapy… I hated it. I mean, I love old people, but I seriously can’t handle being around people who can’t take care of themselves and are waiting to die. I’m just not cut out for it. But anywho, I unexpectedly saw a wrinkly old man scrotum. Yeah, it scared me a little. It’s okay in two cases:
1.) If I’m an old lady who happens to like wrinkly old man scrotum
2.) If I can prepare myself for it, like Friday when I had to change that catheter. “Okay, I’m going to pull back this sheet and see 90 year old genitalia.”

But unexpected at 17 years old? nuh uh.

But this man had Parkinson’s and he had fallen, and it took us about 20 minutes just to walk him down the hall. He sat on his bed and stated, “I give up.” Quite frankly, I think I would, too, in his case.
So working with old people is a no. I can visit them all day… I love them. I just can’t handle taking care of them. I hope I die before I’m in that kind of shape. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but it’s the truth.

So yesterday was horrible. You know how when you’re really upset, you don’t want anyone to talk to you because then you have to talk back, and you’ll start crying? Yeah. Well I had a horrible time in Calculus, then my supervisor was an hour late, and then I had to cover up someone else’s irresponsibility at work. Not only was it not my fault, but it would have hurt me if I hadn’t done something. Sometimes I don’t like my coworkers. Elana was just trying to be nice, but she said, “Liz looks sad,” and I just freaked out and started crying. I hate explaining myself in that situation, but when I don’t they think that it’s something they did.

Ashley’s got a boyfriend, Ashley’s got a boyfriend. Pumpkin pie : )

You know you want a piece. Of my pumpkin Pia.

Wow, this has been a sad and emo blog. Razor blades, anyone?

A fish swims into a concrete wall and says “dam!”.

My dad is pretty funny. Sometimes.

Oh yeah, my dentist pissed me off. I’m going to break up with him. For good. Bastard.

So Zephyr is pretty much my favourite animal. I mean best friend.

I’m totally listening to Al Greene… groovin’ music. But the song will change by the time I finish writing this.

The first cassette tape I bought: Weezer’s Blue Album
The first cassette tape I owned: I’m My Own Grandpa. Man, I loved that song. I was like, 3. Anybody else remember that song?
The first CD I bought: Spice Girls Wannabee
The first item I ever bought: This Barbie paint by numbers thing. It was the cool.
What I wore on my first day of Kindergarten: Green and white striped leggings and some green shirt with pink hearts on it. And saddle shoes. And a mullet.
My first crush:Pediatrician  <3 or Zack Bucklesfrom preschool. But then when I got to kindergarten, I liked Zack Swett, and I told him that I thought he was “handsome”, and he told the teacher. I thought I was going to get in trouble. And then I remember, Max Hornov and John Sayer were my boyfriends at the same time. All of these kids, by the way, are now douchebags. Well, except Max and Pediatrician. John Sayer is the worst one. He’s just nasty.

Bekah babysits for Pediatrician. He -totally- has 3 kids now. Wow, how we all grow up. Hahah, I just remembered when I was like, 9, I’d always make sure I was wearing my training bra when I went to the doctor, so he wouldn’t think that I wasn’t “developed.” Girls are so funny : )

But like a year ago, I forgot to wear a bra. I had just gotten out of a dance class, and I was really tired and I had a meeting at school. I guess I was in kind of a rush, because I didn’t notice until I walked into the freezing cold library that I was braless. What can you do in that situation? Cross your arms and laugh.

Where should I go out for lunch tomorrow?

Zephyr and I are having a Dance In Your Underoos New Wave Dance Party. You’re invited if you aren’t morbidly obese.

So in conclusion, these are the mating rituals of the fruitfly.