Most of you know that my mum has a massive crush on Dave Grohl, so I guess I’ll write about him tonight. Well, first him, and then the dude who looks like him, and then some other semi- important stuff. (more…)
Archive for October, 2005
My Stepdad Is Dave Grohl
Sunday, October 30th, 2005Somebody grab a pan of hot water– She’s gonna blow!
Wednesday, October 26th, 2005So what is the coolest thing one can do?
Everyone knows that I want to me an ob/gyn or a midwife. I just began interning at the hospital today in Labour and Delivery. When I got into the OB, it was dead, so I feared that I would be all day doing paperwork. Then a girl called and said that she was having some discomfort and that she needs to come by. There was also a girl in a room who had gone into labour, but she had just had an epidural and wasn’t expected to deliver until 7 or 8 tonight.
She called a nurse in there to tell her that her epidural wasn’t working, so we called another anesthesiologist to come redo it. When he came up to the OB, I introduced myself, so he invited me to come assist with the epidural, about which I was superpsyched. We got in there, and WOW. I have never seen such a big needle before in my life. It was (no exaggeration) the size of an ink pen cartridge. That chick was tough. She barely whimpered. Before we went in there, she was dialated to 5 cm. After the epidural, she was 8 cm. Then we had to take a little bit of the cathater out, and after that, she was fully dialated, so we asked her to push a little bit while the nurse was still in there, and she felt the baby drop. Then the nurse said, “Liz, get the stirrups. We’re going to have a baby.”
I said, “WHAT?!?”
So I put her legs in the stirrups and away we went.
We called Dr. Tru in there, and I was taking care of her until he got there. Her uterine plug came out, which probably would have grossed me out if I wasn’t childbirth- lovin’ Liz. Imagine a huge bloody loogie… yeah.
So then Dr. Tru came in, and while he was preparing everything and putting on his galoshes (childbirth can be very messy), he was trying to talk to her about a tubal ligation, but she just responded with grunts and such, so he decided to not talk about it anymore.
He performed an episiotomy, and we had her push once, and the baby immediately began to crown… I was floored and began to tear up. I told her, “You’re doing a great job! Push!”
She replied, “I can’t!” and took a breath in. The baby prairie dogged a little bit. I had never witnessed a birth, but the baby didn’t seem to be wriggling around any, so I thought, “Oh my gosh. This baby is dead.” But then I realized, “Wait a minute. This kid is in a vagina. He doesn’t have any room to be wriggling around.” So I yelled, “Yes you can!” and the baby’s beautiful little head came out, followed by the shoulders, and seconds later, Dr. Tru handed me a beautiful baby boy, Noah. I burst in to tears as I wiped off his pretty little face and laid him beside mom.
Dad cut the cord and I noticed he was crying. We delivered the placenta, which wasn’t half as gross as I anticipated. All of the pictures of I had seen looked like bloody stuff that cats have coughed up… attached to a cord. This was actually not that bad… I poked it and it felt like… brownie batter in a bag.
So after we delivered the placenta, I took Noah, weighed and measured him, (7lb 8oz, 19 in), and then I took him to the cleaning table, where as I was cleaning him off, he took his first piss on me… it was awesome : )
I gave him to the father and walked out of the delivery room… the other interns were waiting for me outside, saying, “I hate you, Liz!” They were sooo jealous… even Brad.
I went to ballet and told Mrs. Sacch… she thought that that was -the- coolest thing ever. It totally was.
My hands still smell like latex gloves and hospital soap : )
I dislove not having a car.
Monday, October 24th, 2005If anyone doesn’t know, a couple of weeks ago, my car was hit at the 4- way stop on Home St. Some chick wasn’t watching, and she didn’t stop before she commenced turning left, so she rammed into my passenger side and completely totalled my car. Just less than 2 minutes earlier, Misty from work was in my passenger seat, and I’m sure she would have been at least badly injured. She has 2 kids.
So obviously, she was at fault, and that means that I shouldn’t be inconvenienced. Very wrong. I am -totally- inconvenienced. I don’t have a car. That is an inconvenience. A massive one. I really really hate bumming rides.
The upside is that I’m not spending money on gas, so I have about $50 right now. yesss.
I have the worst luck with cars.
ATO house, anyone?
Holly Pery is so tiny and delicate. I mean, she’s taller than me, but she’s tiny and dainty. Cute : )
Holly: What are you going to have for lunch?
Liz: A New Wave dance party.
Wow, what was I thinking? I actually had an apple, some goldfish, and a Coke Zero that day. Boy, was my guess wrong.
She and I have actually been talking about having a New Wave dance party for a long time. And by New Wave dance party, I mean her and me dancing in my living room to Men Without Hats and Talking Hats. *sigh*
I love to dance : )
Is the safety dance really about safe sex? I don’t think so. Somebody just said that once. I think they just had sex on the brain. Sex on the brain.
So I had a really strange dream last night. I lived in this trailer park, and I had a bunch of cats. There was some kind of festival going on (we all know how much I love fests) so there were alot of people playing with my cats. Anywho, I went on a date with this kid. I don’t know where we went, but we rode there on a chicken truck. He tried to kiss me, but I had morning breath, and he was like, “why won’t you kiss me?” and I said “Because I have morning breath.” and he said, “oh, me too.” and I said, “Gross.” (see the last blog) Then we went to this party. I was at the door, and Trixie tries to jump on my bed. I woke up and picked her up, and I said, “Man, Trixie, I was about to go to a party.” I didn’t know that mum was in my room and she said, “aw, I’m sorry” and it tripped me out. Then I went back to sleep and went back to the party.
Oh my gosh. I just realized something. Both of my Hollies are dating Steves! How confusing! Well, I’m sorry if I may have confused anyone. Let’s clear one thing up:
Holly Pery is dating Steve. I write about him alot.
Holly Title is dating Steven. I may have written about him once, because he’s an undertaker. Cool, huh?
That’s insane. It’s a small world afterall.
If Holly Pery and Steve get married, he should take her last name.
Kissing is Funny.
Saturday, October 22nd, 2005Seriously. Who the hell came up with that? “I love you. Let’s touch mouths.” or “It turns me on so much when we touch mouths and you lick my toungue.” Seriously, guys.
Don’t get me wrong, kissing is fun. Fun fun fun. But who came up with the idea, and why is it fun? Certain people’s lips are more attractive than others, but why does that make one want to put yours against them? And move them around? And (oh my gosh) stick your tongue in their mouth?
These are the things people do with their mouths, besides kiss:
1. Eat
2. Lick rotten apple cores
3. Vomit.
4. Perform oral sex.
5. Kiss their dogs on the mouth.
6. Smoke.
7. Curse.
Now do you really want to touch your mouth with that? Sure. Because Everyone who reads this does at least 3 of these things. EVERYBODY IS GROSS. Embrace the grossness. Just don’t share grossies with someone who has more grossies than you. That’s just… gross.
“But Liz, people brush their teeth.”
Big deal!
But the question is: Why mouths?
Why not touch ears, eyelashes, or cheeks? Hey, the eskimos rub noses, why can’t we?
Excuse me, Inuits.
Let’s touch elbows. Let’s touch backs. Let’s touch breasts. Let’s touch armpits. Let’s touch feet. Let’s touch shins.
Let’s rub bellybuttons. Now that’s a goodun.
Ashley and I rubbed elbows the other night. It was a very intimate moment.
I sold $62 in products the other night. SIXTY- TWO BUCKS. Chyah.
This kid from my church is going into the Marines. I cant stand him. He’s lazy and fat and mean. Mum told me to buy him a card. Some woman asked me if I needed any help, and I asked her, “Do you have any ‘Congratulations on getting off of your fat lazy ass and making a carreer move’ or ‘I hope you don’t get shot’ cards?”
They didn’t have any.
Morose Moose
Wednesday, October 19th, 2005
That clam was meant for yesterday’s blog, the waffle iron bit. What the crap is that thing?
What the crap is that thing?Uma Thurman is really cool, but a little intimidating. She could -totally- kick my ass.
That clam is really distracting. He won’t stop looking at me.
I have a feeling this blog will suck. I just have so much stuff going on around me.
“*Gasp* Did you just organism?”
- Sarah’s husband, Nate.
I’m working on a Dyke Barbie. I gave her a shemullet, and I’m making a little lumberjack outfit for her. If anyone finds any Barbie- sized timberlands, please tell me.
Mrs.. That’s so funny. Haha. Daniel is the only person who calls her that.
So yeah, Jessica really is pregnant. She’s happy about it though. She was six months pregnant and didn’t know it. Insane, huh?
Sarah loved her glassware. She drank out of it today. This morning, she was like, “Guess what I had for breakfast?! Waffles! I love my wafflemaker! It’s so nice. It even tells you when they’re done!”
She’s so goofy. I love being appreciated : )
Jade was sick today. She looked pitiful.
I can’t believe I wrote about glassware.
Marriage is when two really cool people come together to make one insanely boring person.
I think Alley Jo and I are going to see The Corpse Bride, even though it *is* a 14 year old goth kid movie…
“ew, I smell ears”
So today in the library, Mr. Park (our guidance counselor)’s wife came up to us and said, “You guys always look like you’re having so much fun. Sometimes I’d like to come hang out with you, but I don’t think you’d appreciate it.”
The thing is, we always talk about sex in that class, since Sarah just got married and all.
Mr. Park: “Alright, buddy. Let’s do it!”
*laying on his bed in his tightie whities, adjusting his glasses and rubbing his hands together*
“Alright, let’s do this!”
Scary. So I really really like Mr. . I think he is the coolest old man ever. He and his wife are sooo in love. Every morning, she fixes his hair and he makes her breakfast. I love that. But anywho, one day last year I was wearing my mom’s Class of ‘79 shirt, and it has everybody’s name on the front of it, and Mr. , who *loves* tee shirts, he’s bending over -staring- at my shirt, and the whole damn class is cracking up… I promise you, if you know Mr. P, he was not staring at muh boobehs. It’s just funny because everyone knows that I love Mr. P, and it’s a running gag that he and I have been having an affair since Freshman year.
“aww, Lizsche… aw, lizche!”
Zephyr’s fizzicks teacher drew a personal massager on the board today.
It’s 5:55… Make a wish!
Tuesday, October 18th, 2005I wish my dog isn’t pregnant. She’s kind of a whore and she’s been sick lately. I’m a little worried, because I really don’t want puppies. She has ten boobies.
Zephyr: I don’t have school Friday!
Liz: Neither do I! cool!
Zephyr: Let’s go to New York.
She’s so cute : )
Speaking of pregnant, there’s this girl with whom I have my internship, and when I first met her Freshman year, we didn’t like each other, but after we were forced to spend 3 hours a day together, we got really close. But since like a month ago, she’s really started to get on my nerves, but that’s beside the point. The point is that I think she’s pregnant and it scares the hells out o’ me. She gained a little weight over the summer and has a live-in boyfriend, so naturally, rumors flew that she was pregnant. She denied it, and I took her side. However, now she hasn’t been at school in a few days. Plus, she has been asking me about abortions and such. The rumors have started again, and I just don’t know. This, what I’m writing, is the only time I have and will express my thoughts on this particular situation. I’m not saying her name.
Speaking of internship, I’m so psyched to start. I think Monday is when it will be official, and I’m going to the Women’s Clinic. I know, I know, I’m gross, but I just think that childbirth and pregnancy are just soooo cool : )
Steve, Holly Pery’s boyfriend so graciously picked me up for school this morning. He asked me for some waffles, but all I had was a waffle maker. I don’t normally carry a waffle maker to school, but it was Sarah’s wedding present. Well, half of it. Half of the present, not half of the waffle maker. The other half is some glassware. Blue glassware. Everything in her house is blue. Blue blue blue. Blue.
“This is how horses do it”
- Nathan on his and Sarah’s wedding night
I was just thinking that wafflemakers would make cool clams, but they are electric, and everyone knows that WATER AND ELECTRICITY DON’T MIX. Nonetheless, don’t you think a bunch of waffle makers in the ocean would look cool?
This is dedicated to Rich: He likes waffles and I like pancakes. I should invent a duel waffle/ pancake maker. Genius.
Genius like my idea to make brownie mix without cooking it and just eating it raw. I laugh in the face of salmonella.
A couple of weeks ago, I was in Holly Pery’s car, which is almost as disgusting as mine, and I found a rotten apple core in her back seat, which I thought was hilarious, so of course I stole it with her permission and kept it in my purse for another week. Today I gave it to Mark Adam because he is hardcore. Get it? hardcore? Like, a core, like on an apple, but hard. Hard- core. HAHA. Holly came up with that one yesterday; I’ll give her the credit, but it was my idea to give it to Mark Adam.
Sarah’s little sister likes him. ooooooooooh…
It really grosses me out when people flush and don’t put the lid down. I mean, alot of things gret on my nerves, but this is icky. Have you ever seen that science fair project where they put black light fluid in a toilet, flush it, and put a black light on? Well, there are little specks on everything, including the shower, the mirror, the sink, and (dun dun dun) THE TOOTHBRUSHES. Ugh. I don’t always remember to take my toothbrush out of the bathroom, but I shouldn’t have to. A bathroom is a normal place for toothbrushes. Don’t I have the right to a toilet- free mouth?
I miss Peter Pan.
I’m going to be a rapper for Halloween. I’m borrowing my brother’s and Cederick’s clothes. I guess Cederick is my brother by commonlaw. He just doesn’t look like the rest of us.
I thought of a bunch of cool stuff to mention today at school, but my folder was unavaliable.
So I walked home from work today, which is now big deal, because I live like, 5 blocks away. I don’t think anything about it, because walking is healthy. I walk all the time. However, I was dressed semi- provocatively today, and more people than usual were looking at me on my walk home today. Halfway home, I realized, “Oh my gosh… they think I’m a prostitute.” I’m pretty sure it was the boots. I didn’t look slutty or anything, it’s just that nobody in Union City walks because they’re all fat. Fatties.
I cannot listen to/ sing The Postal Service’s “Such Great Heights” without smiling uncontrollably : ) I’m not even listening to them, I was just thinking…
It was really cold in school today, and I was wearing kind of a thin shirt, and Beth kept making fun of the erectivity of my neeplos. How embarrassing… and I don’t get embarrassed. But yeah, we were sooo bored in internship today. We played cleavage basketball with skittles. Bored.
I’m so glad for Ben and Jade though. She’s been obsessing over him since Sophomore year when he moved here. Since about 2 months ago, they’re dating. Her dating Ben Walsh = Liz dating Rivers Cuomo. Well, no, I’m afraid Liz dating Rivers Cuomo would be much cooler than Jade dating Ben. I guess Jade and Ben = Liz and a Weezer roadie. Yeah. That’s about it. Now Danielle is free to date, haha. Poor girl. So misguided.
There’s this Derek kid who was in my health class Sophomore year, and he’s sooo funny. Not even clever funny, just weird funny when you can’t help but laugh. He looks like Arnie from What’s Eating Gilbert Grape. He sings “I Am the Walrus”, but he adds the part to the end of the chorus that Ben says is the singing equivalent to running into a wall.
“I am the walrus, coo coo catchoo badoop boo doo doop…”
It’s funnier when he does it.
“Ben, you get all the fine ladies because you have awesome guitar skills. I don’t have skills. I don’t get the ladies.”
It was 80 degrees today. Holly wore a sweater. A black one. With a vest. LINED WITH WOOL. Of course, I made fun of her : ) Hey, at least her nipples weren’t erect all day…
“Eminem’s gotta cuss in his raps to sell records; Well I do, too, so f*ck Will Smith”
- Jimmy Pop
Jimmy Pop really looks like the dude who used to host GUTS on Nickelodeon like 10 years ago. Now that dude does stuff for ESPN. I likes him.
Steve says my house is cozy. When he told me that, I was like, “Um, when have you been inside my house?” He meant that it looks cozy from the outside. Quaintly cozy. Rich is quaint. Steve is silly : )
By Steve, I mean Holly’s boyfriend, Steve. Not Josh Steve.
Cool vs. Gross
Sunday, October 16th, 2005The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon.
That’s all
gross: milk crust
cool: cookies
gross: garbage juice
cool: sticky glue booger stuff that comes on the backs of free samples from magazines or department stores
gross: mascara boogers
cool: the smell of plastic
gross: when you’re on stage and you get a wedgie… especially in a tutu, because they’re ruffly on the butt and especially painful.
cool: the fact that Trixie doesn’t mind my morning breath
gross: drool crust left on your loved one’s cheek after a Sunday afternoon catnap
cool: finding that your jeans from freshman year still fit
gross: because and only because there is a massive rip down the bum
cool: swiffering
gross: washing dishes
cool: making the refugee in my basement do my dishes
gross: dead lip skin… especially caked with lipstick
cool: shoulder massages
gross: overpriced clothes that are really really cool
cool: clothes that you find on the clearance rack that you just LOVE and they’re so cheap because you are the only one who finds the clothes cool, like that houndstooth miniskirt I got from Goody’s for $6.
gross: tartar sauce
cool: cheese sticks
gross: mustard juice
cool: mustard farts (like the grey poupon commercial)
Just for the record, pretty much all forms of crust are gross, with the exception of pizza crust, pie crust, or between grandma’s toes crust. I mean…
I’m glad we cleared this up.
By the way, I loathe Pollyana.
Virginian Drinks
Sunday, October 16th, 2005You know what was funny? When Rachel got drunk and she called Ross and left a message on his answering machine:
“I am -so- over you. I am soo over -you-. And -this- is what I call cuhlosure.”
Oh, that Rachel.
I think I’m starting to be like Lia, with her all the time blogging self. She’s so cool. She is like me except one letter different. And she has big tatas. And by tatas, I mean boobies. And by boobies, I mean breasts. And by breasts, I mean… well, you know.
I miss her.
So last night was fun. I was going to go to the Dyersburg show with Ashley, but a.) Ashley couldn’t go and b.) Eric never called me back to give me directions. Oh well. It was mum’s first night back, so we went to Los Portales and then Buckets for margaritas (virgin for me).
I think I’m the only person over the age of twelve who drinks virgin drinks. They’re really cool when you’re 9 years old. It’s like “hey, I’m drinking an adult beverage except not.” Then when you’re twelve it’s like “hey, maybe if people see me drinking this, they’ll think I’m 21 and not 12.” Now, at the ripe age of 17, it’s like, “I’m 17. Make fun of my age. Please. I love it.”
I suppose we could have just stayed at Los Portales and had margaritas, since they are Mexican, but I suppose Buckets was more “hoppin’” as the hep cool kids say it.
The other day, some redheaded kid came up to me and said, “Dude, you’ve got the illest hair ever.”
I looked at him and responded with, “Is that bad?”
“Naw, it’s cool.”
Then about an hour later, some dude said that it was straight. Maybe I should learn that hip new lingo. Maybe if I use it all the time, they’ll like me.
It is almost impossible to do anything in my house in the middle of the night without waking my mum up. The house was built in 1921, so it’s kind of small, and the walls are thin. My bedroom is right next to my mums, and her bedroom is at the very front of the house, so it is next to impossible for me to sneak in after curfew. Also, if I make noise after she goes to bed, she wakes up and gets all pissy with me. I laugh at her. Does she remember it? Nope.
I’m about to solve a problem.
hey, I think we need some eggs! *bown chicka bow wown, bown chicka bow wown*
I have a bad habit of putting inside jokes into blogs. That’s fine if the person who the joke is directed to will actually read the blog, but the above statement: directed at my mum. Hey, maybe she should get a myspace. All of my friends dig her. Well, most of them. She’d like it. I’ll see what I can do.
Thoughts of Grammar and Schmammar…y.
Saturday, October 15th, 2005So I was thinking:
It’s really funny when people pronounce “peanuts” like PEA- nits, with an accent on the PEA. It sounds alot like “penis”.
Mike Ross from Dove Enterprise does that:
“I love PEA-nits. PEA-nits PEA-nits PEAnits.”
Fudgecicles: Is the first C silent or not? I believe it is. It rolls off of the tongue much more delightfully if the first C is silent. Cilent. Laverne DiFazio says it like that. I thought she was so cool. In the 6th grade, I embroidered L’s on all of my solid coloured tops and everyone made fun of me. Years later, monograms are cool again. If I was indeed a sheep, I would break out my 6th grade cardigans. But no.
“The S is silent, stupid.”
I’m so glad Jared has a myspace account now. I’ve been wanting him to get one for ages now, but I’ve never said anything to him about it. He read my mind. See, communication isn’t important. Communication, schommunication.
Note: It is entirely difficult to relay sarcasm through text. The last who sentences in the last paragraph were chock full of the stuff.
Jackson’s radio station, the Rocket, is having Rocketoberfest. Excuse me, but Rocktoberfest would be much more effective. Zephyr pointed this out. She’s a genius. Or the Rocket people are idiots. Or both.
So I was reading blogs earlier today, and I notice bad grammar. Bad grammar, run- ons (see above paragraph), and misspellings are okay if it is purposeful, used to prove a point, or there is no other way to relay the exact message.
“She has got some majour problems”
I wonder who she is talking about.
Oh, as I eavesdrop more closely, I realize they are talking about the chick with the kid. I agree, Kim.
So I bought a new purse yesterday. Not that I care that the old Barney lunchbox was embarrassing Erick and Eric, but it was just getting old. Sometimes I would be walking to the car and it would come unlatched, causing the contents to tumble to the concrete surface beneath my feets.
This weekend, everyone at the shop is going to Paducah for the hair show. I think that it would be sooooo much fun, but Ben, Liz, and Troy aren’t going. I don’t think Ben and Troy care, quite frankly.
I miss my old friends. I think I may call a few of them up.
I mean, I love my current friends, but you understand how it is.
I have a wicked headache. I need an asprin/ massage. Someone should give me a massage. Now.
Nobody showed up.
Dead breast.
Blog, Lvl. 4
Tuesday, October 11th, 2005So this is the forth blog I’ve started. Maybe this will be my last. My record for the longest blog kept was probably about 10 months or so, which is better than most people can say. Let’s see how long this one lasts.
So right now, I’m living with my dad. My mum is in Florida with her friend Nancy Pants, and everyone knows that I need constant supervision, because I’m 9. Apparently. Get it, apparent? Like “Oh my gah, somebody killed my parents!” …Get it….?
So anywho, I’m wasting gas going to and fro Mount Pelia, Tennessee. Wow, I can’t wait to get out of this town.
A comparison of my parents:
I. Dad
A. Pros
1. Realizes I am mature enough to handle myself and make my own decisions.
2. Respects my need for socialization, i.e. curfew
3. Understands me
4. Has a nice house.
B. Cons
1. Is a alcoholic
2. Snores loudly
3. Is really messy
4. Lives in BFE
5. Won’t say what he really means
6. Has rude friends
7. Likes to put me on guilt trips.
II. Mum
A. Pros
1. Is really cute and funny
2. Lives in town
3. Isn’t as financially rigid as dad
B. Cons
1. Is a child
2. Doesn’t realize that I am an adult
3. Won’t listen when I talk.
4. Will change her personality according to who she is around and/ or dating, which is really annoying and makes me want to smack her.
I don’t really know what to do. Who should I live with, hrm? Please, do tell.
Anywho, I’m going to see Eric tonight in “Dyersburg” (Finley). I seriously don’t know what I’m going to do about gas for the rest of the week. I get paid Friday. I worked late last Friday, so maybe I’ll get more than FORTY- TWO DOLLARS. Ugh. I spend most of my money on gas, usually going to Dyersburg. I’m sure Eric would come see me, but he hasn’t been feeling well, he doesn’t have enough money for gas, he has bad tires, etc, etc, etc.
I’m not sure how to tell my friends that I can’t go to New York this summer. I really didn’t understand why Eric thought it was a bad idea until just recently. I’ve been so naive about men. They’re gross. It is not a good idea for 2 or 3 girls to walk around NYC by themselves, even if we *do* know the area and we *do* carry knives with us. (I cut you, bitch!) They’ll be really disappointed. Maybe if we had a man to go with us. Hrm. As of now, however, Zephyr and I are still going to the Big Hole. That’s not that dangerous, right?
I’m going to ask for a raise today.
Why do my feet get so cold? I don’t think I have bad circulation. Well, I *do* have ridiculously low blood pressure. Maybe I can get someone to sit on my feets.