Monday Bear

So as Matthew was driving me up here the other day, I realized that I don’t have to say everything that I think.
But I do have to blog it.

That said, Holly Holly Holly . I have a really good impression of her now.
I love how she tells Steve what he likes.
Matt tells me what I like. Matt = Holly, Steve = Liz. That’s why we all married each other the other night.
Right after Holly and I made out.
Just kidding, Holly’s hot dad.
We really did drugs, and lots of them. (more…)

So we know I don’t ever like to bitch, but I have a serious problem with girls who work at Sonic.  (No offense, Holly or Matt’s cute friend Naomi.)  They are conniving, tricky bitches.  Let me explain.  This has all happened to us at at least one point in our lives:

You and a friend order some drinks and onion rings on a sweltering summer afternoon.  A girl in khaki shorts and a dumb visor carrying a tray walk close to you, but no luck.
Another one.  You examine the contents of the tray:  2 drinks and a box in a bag.  She walks past you.
Another one:  2 drinks and a box in a bag.  She walks toward your car.  She then looks at the receipt only to realize that she was walking the wrong way.
Another one: 2 drinks and a box in a bag.  You look at her and her tray with wild fried onion- craving eyes.  She looks back at you.  Your eyes meet.  It’s like you’re spiritually making love to this angel in the ponytail who is bringing you your nourishment.  Instant chemistry.  She keeps walking and gives your order to the middle aged guy in the red Camaro.
What a bitch.  She knew what she was doing the whole time.  She just wanted to toy with you.
Another one:  1 really big ass drink and 3 boxes in 3 bags.  She comes to your car.  It’s the wrong order, but you don’t fucking care.  You’ll never talk to another teenage girl wearing roller skates as long as you live. (more…)

So just as soon as I write the blog “There’s nothing I hate worse than stupid myspace layouts”, Tom goes and gays up the whole front myspace page. Seriously, there’s nothing gayer than that. Nothing against superman, but geez, guys, a busy background never did anything but hide someone’s hips. And let’s face it– I don’t see any big hips around here!

*looks down*

So today, Emily called herself a “big woman”. I thought one had to be a big fat black woman to be called “big”.

Big is beautiful…

…

(more…)

So tonight was dress rehearsal in front of a bigass group of 8 people. I just wish everyone would stop being pissy with each other and get along, like me and this lady.

“You know, Liz, if I could just feel you up and make out with you, it would make me feel alot better.”

- Lady

When I was in the fourth grade, Megan Dunn and I made a list of things that we wanted to do before we were eighteen that our parents wouldn’t let us do. I hid my list under the TV. Here it goes: (more…)

If ya *snap* catch my *snap* drift *thrust*.

Most of you know that if I am at home alone, with my mom, or with very close friends, I’m usually naked or close to it. This said, yesterday before rehearsal, I was hanging around in my nakiepants in the livingroom when the doorbell rang. I didn’t bother to put clothes on. I just answered the door. Lo and behold, it was the guy who mows my lawn.

Lawn Mower Guy: Do you need me to mow today?
Liz: No, I don’t need you today. I just mowed my lawn 2 days ago.
LMG: I can tell. But I was talking about your yard. Outside.
Liz: Oh yeah. You can mow that. (more…)

So this is number 72 of all of my posts here at mondaybear.com.  Well, two of them are Holly and one of them is Matt, (Rock the Cock and “On it”)   I was going to celebrate with a Flashback blog, much like on The Golden Girls when the writers couldn’t think of anything, but I could actually think of something.  We’ll save Flashback Blog for post #111.

“I’d like to share some of my favourite memories with Trevor the Vampire.”

Or maybe the real 72. Depends on how little or how much pops into my head.  Or why don’t you sit in my lap and I’ll tell you about the first thing that pops up.

Oh, snap.

So today, Emily kicked Ms. Sacchi in the breast.
(more…)

So first of all, I’m feeling alot better about this play. I even wore spike heels today in hopes that I would trip running down the stairs, but after we went through our lines a few times, I made sure to walk extra carefully.
So you all need to come see it the last 2 weekends of June. It’s full of British humour, innuendo, and Liz in her “smalls.” I, prefer to call them “skivvies” or “underpants,” but the script calls them “smalls.” I always thought he was a rapper.
A rapper like Matthew. I mean, I -am- one of those rap guys’ girlfriends. (more…)

So a few nights ago, I offered to help an anonymous friend clean her house. Let’s call her lady.

Lady: Will you really?
Liz: Sure, I don’t have anything better to do.
Lady: Oh, Liz, I’ll eat your pussy.
Liz: *laughs*
Lady: You can’t blog that!

Just for the record, she didn’t. Sadly.

So I had this crazy dream last night. It was one of those ridiculous/ scary dreams: (more…)

So I keep just barely missing 11: 11. This has happened twice in the past 13 hours.

That said, someone told me recently, “Liz, you just aren’t as funny as you used to be now that you’re in love.”
Excuse me, sir, but really, was I -ever- funny? Cute, maybe.

“Liz, you just aren’t as cute as you used to be now that you’re in love.”
That would make more sense if I was the type to doll (or gussy, if you will) myself up. When most women fall in love, they stop wearing makeup, never fix their hair, dress frumpily, and gain 72 pounds. Their reasoning behind this is that they have already “caught” a man… they don’t have to look good anymore. “Now I’ve got you where I want you, now I’m going to be a big ugly lardass.” (more…)

So I have no views so far today. I hate you assholes.

And just to clear a few things up: The last blog, the Matt cheating on me with Holly one, it was fake. Matt thought it would be funny to see who would try to “move in.” Not in a crazy possessive boyfriend way, but more like a “hahaha, she’s mine you cant have her” kind of way.

Here are some bad/ unfortunate things that happened: (more…)