Archive for the ‘Old People’ Category

Neet.

Sunday, January 15th, 2006

So last week, Holly and I were planning on doing something with Steve last weekend.  She calls me Saturday day and asks if I would go to the movies with them, and I comply.  She says, “Good, because X is coming with us.”  WHOA.  X is a guy with whom she used to be friends, until he fell in love with her.  Actually, X is how she met Steve.  Anywho, when Holly has her cell phone open, it doesn’t ring.  It just picks up when someone calls.  Apparently.  (Like, Oh my gosh, somebody killed my parents).  But Holly and Steve were talking about going to a movie with me when X called.  They heard something coming from her phone, and she picked up and he said, “Oh!  I want to go!”  So of course, they had to let him go.  And called me.  As soon as she told me he was going with, I called her a bitch.  I love her.  So we went out, and Holly painted me a painting that says, “Let Art Commence!”  HahahAHA.  That’s just so funny.  No, it isn’t an inside joke.  It’s just funny.

Before he got to Steve’s, I told Steve and Holly (Heve) that I am NOT sitting by X in the theatre.  We will sit Liz Holly X Steve or Liz Steve Holly X or anything that does not involve his sitting beside me.  When we got there, and the only seats there were in sets of two… no way was I sitting next to him.  So we went to Fulton to get some wine and drove back to Martin to see the 9:00 show.  You know in what fucking order we were sitting?  Steve, Holly, Liz, X.  WTF, mate?  So we made Steve and X go get us some M&Ms, and I sat in Steve’s seat, hoping X wouldn’t notice.  He did.

So after the movie, at which I cried, and Holly said, “Oh, Liz, you really are a girl!”, I saw Hurt and Stover, some kids whom I haven’t seen in like 2 years.

My cat is sitting on the bed, purring.  Karen brought her cat to rehearsal today.  Delinda said, “Like we haven’t seen a fucking cat before.”  I like her, but I think she’s bitter with the world.

So when we got back to Steve’s apartment, we had Pinot Noir and played Scrabble.  I’ll admit, I drank a little too much.  I just really really like Pinot Noir.    However, I won Scrabble.  Steve is an English majour and I was a little drunk, and I won Scrabble.  *gloat*

Speaking of majour, I got a few points with the word “labia.”  Then Steve and I began to talk about labia majoura and labia minora.  Wouldn’t it be cool if you could majour in labia?  I should, since I’m going to be an Ob/Gyn.  Screw Premed.  Labia all the way.  You know what?  Not only will I majour in labia, but I’ll also minor in it.  I just love labia.  Majour in labia, minor in labia, and hell, all of my extra- curriculars:  Labia.

Amniotic fluid, amniotic fluid.

But Holly is always trying to get me to make out with someone, and when X was in the bathroom, she asked if I would make out with him.  Of course, I yelled, “No!  He looks like a turtle!”  He then became embarrassed and left.  I didn’t know why he left unil Monday.

But yeah, of course, I spent the night on Steve’s couchbedcouch.  In Holly’s Jammies.  Her jammies had little chicks on the pants, and the t shirt she gave me was something about cheerleaders.  She used to be a cheerleader.  Dave : )

But I asked if I could sleep with them, and they said no.  Last time I slept on the couchbedcouch, I was naked.  Steve hasn’t unfolded the couchbedcouch since.  But they did let me have the llove llama.  I wonder if they take the llove llama off the bed before they do it.  I wouldn’t.

I woke up at 5 something the next morning.  I thought it was almost 9 for some reason.  Weird, huh?  Yeah.  Too much Pinot Noir.  I was nauseated.  I guess 4 glasses is too much for Liz.  I had Heve take me home.

Do you have any raisins?

Tony complained about my lack of blogging.  Blog blog blog.

“Dammit, Linda!”
- Jared.

She always gets in the way of Wade’s ass.  Always.  Her and her pink jogging pants.  Damn you, Linda.

Cats is going to be spectacular.  JR complimented me earlier today.  (Okay, JR will compliment anything with T and A, but that’s beside the point.)  I’m going to gloat a little.  Prep yourself:  JR told me that he can tell I’m working hard, and that I’m “carrying the show” and that I’m “emovite.”  I just really like being appreciated.  I had to deal with Nancy, and you loyal bloggers know how I am with her.  She makes me feel like I don’t exist.  She looks over me.  She doesn’t even notice me.  How does someone not notice me?  I’m not being pretentious, but hell, I’m noticable!

I had alot to talk about last night, but I was too sleepy.  I hung out with Alley Jo this weekend.  She has 2 names.

OH!  Miss Dolly!

You know, I visit her at the nursing home.  We tease her about Ernesto, the physical therapist.  He’s semi- attractive, and all of the old ladies have a crush on him, esp. Miss Dolly.  Well, she doesn’t always remember that her husband is dead, so one day, we were talking about her having an affair with Ernesto, and Hog said, “There’s nothing wrong with having one on the side.”  Miss Dolly replied, “There’s nothing wrong with having one on top, either!”  What a dirty old lady : )  And then another time we were teasing her about it, and she said, “That used to be a sin!”  I said, “Miss Dolly, it still is.”  She said, “Well, I’m Church of Christ.  I don’t sin.”  Hahaha, she’s -so- cute.

Miss Georgie is getting alot better.  I think I’m the only one who listens to her and pays attention.  She’s stuttering alot less, and she smiles more.  She makes me laugh.  She wants to run away with me, I think.  She’s always undressing her dolls.  She’s a sweet lady.  I love her.  I’ll be upset when she dies.

So in conclusion, Dustyn is a nice kid.  He’s not mormon.

Porn, Old Ladies, and Jade, in no particular order of importance.

Saturday, January 7th, 2006

Last night, I had the filthiest dream.� I know, nothing new, but I really did not like this one.

Hillary Duff and Hunter (no idea why it was them) got me into the pornography business.� Not just softcore type Playboy stuff, but hardcore porn.� Nasty type stuff.� Like Missy Monroe. -shudders-.� (no milk was involved).� I became a leader in the business, and I was -proud- of myself!� Wtf, mate?� I realized that this was only a dream when I was dreaming, but I couldn’t get myself to snap out of it.� I woke up disgusted with myself and took a shower.

But you see… whenever I haev nightmares, real ones, like someone’s cutting me up into little pieces, or someone has skinned Pete and hung him up in the laundry room, or my brother is eaten alive by clowns, I don’t realize it’s a dream.� I think it’s real, and it scares the fuck out of me.� I don’t think there is any way out, because, geez, if someone had you chained down and is chopping you up, piece by piece, wouldn’t you give up?� Alot of the time, I don’t realize it was a dream until minutes after I wake up.

In September, when Jade and I were just planning our trip to New York, I dreamt that my mum bought us tickets to see Spamalot… and they were only $4 each.� I woke up, went to school, and all day, I told people of my great news.� I went to work and told people.� I came home, hugged my mum, and thanked her.� “For what?”� It was then that I realized it was a dream.� I felt like such a rube.

There are so many other instances that prove that I can’t differentiate between fiction and reality, but for some reason, I could last night.

But before I forget, one of my friends had a really weird dream, but he wouldn’t tell me before I told him “the most fucked up dream I’ve ever had.”� I told him about when I went to the family reunion, and my mum ran away from me, screaming, because my forehead was bleeding in the shape of a cross…

…But anywho, this friend of mine– let’s call him…Snoopy….–� dreamt that he had sex with his sister.� Not only did he dream that he had sex with her, but he said that it was the most graphic sexual dream he’s ever had.� No, folks, he’s -not- from Tennessee.� He’s Canadian.

Some stuff at the hospital fell through, and I won’t start working with Dr.�Norsworthy until next week, so I went to the nursing home with Hogg and Sarah.
This is what Miss Dolly told me:
1.� I look pregnant.
2.� I look 30.
3.� I look 11.
4.� Her vagina hurts.
5.� Her hemerroids are bleeding.
She also asked me what it was like to have sex with Ernesto, her hot physical therapist, because, apparently, I’m sleeping with him.� I’m sure Hog told her that.� Thanks, Hog.� Oh, and she told me I was a bitch for calling Hog Hog.� Actually, Sarah and I were mean to Hog yesterday, but we’re always mean to her.� She’s little and we pick on her, but only because we love her.

She was in my bathroom yesterday reloading and Sarah and I kept openning the door.� Ah, friendship.

Also, at Beth’s party, we were watching unfaithful (a very dirty movie… I like it) and we were talking through the whole thing.� However, Hog whispered something to Beth at the end of the movie, and I yelled, “SHUT THE FUCK UP, HOG!”

Icky sent me some of his music.� I’m quite impressed.

Oh yeah, old people.� Miss Zelma told me that she loved me and asked me to be her lover.� She kept hugging me and patting my ass.� Miss Georgie, who has severe Alzheimers with Parkinsons, was playing with her dolls, making them kiss (nakedly, of course) was playing with this pillowcase for an hour, trying to get it straight across her little table.� That reminded me of myself, to an extent.� She stuttered so much that one can’t really understand what she was saying, but they told me that she�doesn’t know�what she’s saying, either.� I helped her wrap her baby up in the pillowcase.� When Sarah tried to help, she hit Sarah with her doll, and said, “No, Daddy!”� I did all I could to keep from pissing myself.
“I don’t wannna play no damn bingo!� Now get the hell out of here!”
-� Some mean fat lady, who isn’t even old.� She’s just in the Nursing Home because she’s too fat to live by herself.

I really like Franz Ferdinand : )

“You need to order me some more of that hemrroid medicine, you good lookin’ thang, you!”
-� Miss Dolly

Last night, Jade came over.� We went to eat Chinese, then we went to Blockbuster.� Justin, the guy from the documentary, isn’t half as cute as he used to be.� I don’t quite understand that.� Well we got 2 movies, which we have never heard of:� May and Madhouse.
Madhouse made me think… I bed the people in Sanitoriums get worse because they are in there… they’re expected to act crazy.� The nymphomaniac, Crystal… I’m sure before she was put in there, she didn’t masturbate in her doorway, full frontal like that.� She’s just doing it because she’s expected to, and she can.� I mean, if it was socially acceptible to drop your pants anywhere, wouldn’t you?

Then we watched May.� That was quite interesting.� A weird girl who nobody liked made her own friends.

“So many good parts, but no good wholes.”

Pete and Trixie are spooning each other at my feet.

At midnight, Alley Jo came over.� She overanalyzes everything.� Like I always told Coach Suiter, you can’t have the word “analyze” without the word “anal.”

Oh, and I like my car present, Mark : )

I’m going to hang out with Steve and Holly.

Google, Lvl. 2

Wednesday, December 21st, 2005

So whilest googling myself, I found that Liz is a very sexual name. Not only is Liz a brothel mistress, but I also found 5 pornographic novels about Liz, in which 2, Liz is a lesbian, and in one those, she has sex with her DAUGHTER. Wow. So with the name Liz, is it a miracle that I’m not a whore? Do I talk about sex alot because my name is Liz? Think maybe I would be a bit more chaste if I went by “Elizabeth,” or (please no) “Suzanne?” Who knows. Do give me your opinion, though.

Liz was by far the most left-leaning in a pretty liberal family.

Liz was killed in an airplane crash

Liz was raised in the cosmopolitan city of Mexico City

Liz was failing all of her classes and refused to do work. (hahah, now that’s a goodun.)

Liz was also selected as one of the top 100 Irish Americans of 1995. (Don’t call me white)

Liz was the swinging vixen, greedy for love and jewels;

Liz was trash

Liz was admitted to the Hospital for a seven day stay evaluation of the origin, type and extent of her seizures

“A lot of our work was like that, where Liz was out in the field

Liz was enough of a proto-punk, a proto-Goth, that even in the early Seventies, she was fascinated by the darker side of dandyism.

“I’ll make love anywhere” says Liz

Liz insists she will not give up her wild antics. “I love making love outdoors, in bizarre places, and don’t care who catches us at it.” She says. “Life is too short.”

By age 15, Liz was homeless

Liz was always the most energetic of the bunch.

Liz was eventually found, arrested, and sentenced to five years in jail

Liz was released from prison in 1984 on parole, but she still had amnesia.

With no shortage of baggy tops, gaudy bows, and pants with big panels, Liz was
faced with the frustrating truth: �fashion� and �pregnancy� do not always mix.

Liz was the rebel in her family, the one who said “it’s about time.”

Liz was an industrious independent woman who carried on business as a fruit seller
at football matches and other events which attracted a crowd.

Liz was pacing. “I’m not a 44B”

How did the fact that Liz was playing both male and female characters affect the
costumes?

liz was taken to singapore in hopes that i would become a nun on
this island…liz says that backfired big time

Liz was born with a deformed spine, and one leg longer than the

Liz was convinced they were visitors from outer space

We had been told by previous teachers that Liz was �difficult,�

Liz was bombarded with praises from indie-rock critics.
Liz was a drummer when she was10

Liz was the alpha female.

Liz was also shown throwing a tantrum and sloppily applying make up

A different side of Liz was shown in R18 kiwi porn mag NZX.

Liz was fucking incredible.

Liz was transported to a cosmic universe

Liz was president of our local Jewish Community Center

Liz was hooked. She knew she wanted to race sled dogs.

Liz was very, very pretty. Very popular. You couldn’t dance with her one minute straight without some other guy cutting in.

Liz was about a thousand years older than me.

In addition to gymnastics, Liz was involved in marching band

Liz was right; Bing’s the dad (hahahhahahha! I wonder if Bing read this?)

“Liz” was sitting on the bed breastfeeding her baby while her partner “David” got ready for work.

Liz was shocked, but calmly asked her whose penis she had had in her mouth.

As Donovan hands Liz the three dollars, she unhooks the final two buttons on her blouse and her young firm breasts jiggle free.

Liz was in the process of hating them all.

Liz was going to set up the boys with spa time, but it turned out they just wanted
sushi.

The money Liz was earning from prostituting now was going directly to her pimp,
Liz was raised a poor white hippie child

I was no sooner in the water than Liz was giving me a hard time about how erect
my nipples were

Liz was an extremely attractive young woman, with a body most men drooled over
But the biscuit that Liz was waving around probably had a lot to do with it.

Liz was pregnant.

So a couple of my friends are working at the nursing home, and all of the old ladies just love hog, especially Mrs. McCorkle.

Mrs. McCorkle: Nurse! Nurse! Help Meh!
Hog: (moves her wheelchair)
Mrs. McCorkle: Nurse? I just gotta tell ya somethin’. I love ya.
Hog: I love you, too, Mrs. McCorkle.
Mrs. McCorkle: Ain’t that the strangest thang…
Hog: What do you mean?
Mrs. McCorkle: Well, I don’t know you, and I know you don’t know me, but we just met and we just fell in love with each other…

So after Hog had been working there for a while, Mrs. McCorkle would tell Hog, “You give me lots of pleasure,” and, “You are the only one who can satisfy me.”

Last week:

Mrs. McCorkle: Why don’t you have a seat on my bed?
Hog: (sits down)
Mrs. McCorkle: There, good. Just spread out there.
Hog: (begins to feel uncomfortable)
Mrs. McCorkle: That’s a good bed. I think I’d like to take a nap.
Hog: (begins to get up) Okay, well, I’ll just get another nurse so we can get you into…
Mrs. McCorkle: NO! You stay here. Let’s lock the door, just you and me. (unbuttons her blouse).

I swear. You can’t make that shit up. And the best part is Mrs. McCorkle has Alzheimers, so it took everything she had to get that button unbuttoned.

She still hasn’t gotten anything from Hog, though.

Old Lady: My grandson’s autistic.
Sarah: That’s great!

“Gunter’s in the tree! Gunter’s in the tree!”
- Sarah, apparently forgetting she was married.

Does Liz Get Embarrassed?

Wednesday, November 2nd, 2005

To start off on a horrible note, wow, I have just realized that there is -one- thing I can think of that I’m embarrassed about… my past relationships. I’m not embarrassed about what I’ve done or anything, but oh my gosh… Zephyr and I were just talking about this one kid that I dated, and… my. My my my. What’s wrong with me?

I’m definately not a bitter person, by the way, but I’m just saying.

guh ross. I’m such a girl. I basically just dated this kid because he was there… he was mean to me, didn’t respect me, made me think I was stupid, when I now realize that he couldn’t handle the fact that his GIRLFRIEND was smarter than he was.

Why do girls do this? I’ve done this twice in my life. One was fairly recently, and the other was my freshman year. I think both of these times, I did it because I may have been afraid of being alone? Not sure. Girls are silly. I really do enjoy singledom. You get to flirt with whoever, you don’t have to answer to anyone, etc. I don’t know why I was afraid of it.

Sidenote: Isn’t it funny how people change?

But yes, funny moments that most people would usually find embarrassing:

So today, I was carrying about 5 bags of blood back from the lab. I was really hoping I would see someone I know (like another intern, not Mrs. Helen or mum or Zephyr) so I could be like, “Oh, check it out: I’m carrying lots o’ blood.” Oh, and I was carrying a bag of platelets that kind of looked like vomit. Runny vomit. Anywho, my hands were full, and then this 7-year-old patient, totally unsupervised, comes behind me and depants me. It’s one thing to be depanted, but another to be depanted in front of an audience: a waiting room full of people, 3 nurses, a radiologist, and an old man in a wheelchair; with your hands full of blood that you can’t put down or else it’s considered contaminated. I’m standing there, arms full of blood, pants down, checkered panties showing (Zephyr has matching ones), audience gawking. Am I embarrassed? Hells no. I laugh. The old man in the wheelchair said, “I’d like to race through that checkered flag.” I just kindly asked the little girl to pull up my pants, which she did.

I mean, seriously, what would being embarrassed accomplish? Nothing.

Good thing I wasn’t going commando. Now I might be embarrassed in that case…

Yesterday I worked in Physical Therapy… I hated it. I mean, I love old people, but I seriously can’t handle being around people who can’t take care of themselves and are waiting to die. I’m just not cut out for it. But anywho, I unexpectedly saw a wrinkly old man scrotum. Yeah, it scared me a little. It’s okay in two cases:
1.) If I’m an old lady who happens to like wrinkly old man scrotum
2.) If I can prepare myself for it, like Friday when I had to change that catheter. “Okay, I’m going to pull back this sheet and see 90 year old genitalia.”

But unexpected at 17 years old? nuh uh.

But this man had Parkinson’s and he had fallen, and it took us about 20 minutes just to walk him down the hall. He sat on his bed and stated, “I give up.” Quite frankly, I think I would, too, in his case.
So working with old people is a no. I can visit them all day… I love them. I just can’t handle taking care of them. I hope I die before I’m in that kind of shape. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but it’s the truth.

So yesterday was horrible. You know how when you’re really upset, you don’t want anyone to talk to you because then you have to talk back, and you’ll start crying? Yeah. Well I had a horrible time in Calculus, then my supervisor was an hour late, and then I had to cover up someone else’s irresponsibility at work. Not only was it not my fault, but it would have hurt me if I hadn’t done something. Sometimes I don’t like my coworkers. Elana was just trying to be nice, but she said, “Liz looks sad,” and I just freaked out and started crying. I hate explaining myself in that situation, but when I don’t they think that it’s something they did.

Ashley’s got a boyfriend, Ashley’s got a boyfriend. Pumpkin pie : )

You know you want a piece. Of my pumpkin Pia.

Wow, this has been a sad and emo blog. Razor blades, anyone?

A fish swims into a concrete wall and says “dam!”.

My dad is pretty funny. Sometimes.

Oh yeah, my dentist pissed me off. I’m going to break up with him. For good. Bastard.

So Zephyr is pretty much my favourite animal. I mean best friend.

I’m totally listening to Al Greene… groovin’ music. But the song will change by the time I finish writing this.

The first cassette tape I bought: Weezer’s Blue Album
The first cassette tape I owned: I’m My Own Grandpa. Man, I loved that song. I was like, 3. Anybody else remember that song?
The first CD I bought: Spice Girls Wannabee
The first item I ever bought: This Barbie paint by numbers thing. It was the cool.
What I wore on my first day of Kindergarten: Green and white striped leggings and some green shirt with pink hearts on it. And saddle shoes. And a mullet.
My first crush:Pediatrician  <3 or Zack Bucklesfrom preschool. But then when I got to kindergarten, I liked Zack Swett, and I told him that I thought he was “handsome”, and he told the teacher. I thought I was going to get in trouble. And then I remember, Max Hornov and John Sayer were my boyfriends at the same time. All of these kids, by the way, are now douchebags. Well, except Max and Pediatrician. John Sayer is the worst one. He’s just nasty.

Bekah babysits for Pediatrician. He -totally- has 3 kids now. Wow, how we all grow up. Hahah, I just remembered when I was like, 9, I’d always make sure I was wearing my training bra when I went to the doctor, so he wouldn’t think that I wasn’t “developed.” Girls are so funny : )

But like a year ago, I forgot to wear a bra. I had just gotten out of a dance class, and I was really tired and I had a meeting at school. I guess I was in kind of a rush, because I didn’t notice until I walked into the freezing cold library that I was braless. What can you do in that situation? Cross your arms and laugh.

Where should I go out for lunch tomorrow?

Zephyr and I are having a Dance In Your Underoos New Wave Dance Party. You’re invited if you aren’t morbidly obese.

So in conclusion, these are the mating rituals of the fruitfly.

My Stepdad Is Dave Grohl

Sunday, October 30th, 2005

Most of you know that my mum has a massive crush on Dave Grohl, so I guess I’ll write about him tonight. Well, first him, and then the dude who looks like him, and then some other semi- important stuff. (more…)