Monday Bear

That clam was meant for yesterday’s blog, the waffle iron bit. What the crap is that thing?

Uma Thurman is really cool, but a little intimidating. She could -totally- kick my ass.

That clam is really distracting. He won’t stop looking at me.

I have a feeling this blog will suck. I just have so much stuff going on around me.

“*Gasp* Did you just organism?”

- Sarah’s husband, Nate.

I’m working on a Dyke Barbie. I gave her a shemullet, and I’m making a little lumberjack outfit for her. If anyone finds any Barbie- sized timberlands, please tell me.

Mrs.. That’s so funny. Haha. Daniel is the only person who calls her that.

So yeah, Jessica really is pregnant. She’s happy about it though. She was six months pregnant and didn’t know it. Insane, huh?

Sarah loved her glassware. She drank out of it today. This morning, she was like, “Guess what I had for breakfast?! Waffles! I love my wafflemaker! It’s so nice. It even tells you when they’re done!”

She’s so goofy. I love being appreciated : )

Jade was sick today. She looked pitiful.

I can’t believe I wrote about glassware.

Marriage is when two really cool people come together to make one insanely boring person.

I think Alley Jo and I are going to see The Corpse Bride, even though it *is* a 14 year old goth kid movie…

“ew, I smell ears”

So today in the library, Mr. Park (our guidance counselor)’s wife came up to us and said, “You guys always look like you’re having so much fun. Sometimes I’d like to come hang out with you, but I don’t think you’d appreciate it.”

The thing is, we always talk about sex in that class, since Sarah just got married and all.

Mr. Park: “Alright, buddy. Let’s do it!”

*laying on his bed in his tightie whities, adjusting his glasses and rubbing his hands together*

“Alright, let’s do this!”

Scary. So I really really like Mr. . I think he is the coolest old man ever. He and his wife are sooo in love. Every morning, she fixes his hair and he makes her breakfast. I love that. But anywho, one day last year I was wearing my mom’s Class of ‘79 shirt, and it has everybody’s name on the front of it, and Mr. , who *loves* tee shirts, he’s bending over -staring- at my shirt, and the whole damn class is cracking up… I promise you, if you know Mr. P, he was not staring at muh boobehs. It’s just funny because everyone knows that I love Mr. P, and it’s a running gag that he and I have been having an affair since Freshman year.

“aww, Lizsche… aw, lizche!”

Zephyr’s fizzicks teacher drew a personal massager on the board today.

I wish my dog isn’t pregnant. She’s kind of a whore and she’s been sick lately. I’m a little worried, because I really don’t want puppies. She has ten boobies.

Zephyr: I don’t have school Friday!

Liz: Neither do I! cool!

Zephyr: Let’s go to New York.

She’s so cute : )

Speaking of pregnant, there’s this girl with whom I have my internship, and when I first met her Freshman year, we didn’t like each other, but after we were forced to spend 3 hours a day together, we got really close. But since like a month ago, she’s really started to get on my nerves, but that’s beside the point. The point is that I think she’s pregnant and it scares the hells out o’ me. She gained a little weight over the summer and has a live-in boyfriend, so naturally, rumors flew that she was pregnant. She denied it, and I took her side. However, now she hasn’t been at school in a few days. Plus, she has been asking me about abortions and such. The rumors have started again, and I just don’t know. This, what I’m writing, is the only time I have and will express my thoughts on this particular situation. I’m not saying her name.

Speaking of internship, I’m so psyched to start. I think Monday is when it will be official, and I’m going to the Women’s Clinic. I know, I know, I’m gross, but I just think that childbirth and pregnancy are just soooo cool : )

Steve, Holly Pery’s boyfriend so graciously picked me up for school this morning. He asked me for some waffles, but all I had was a waffle maker. I don’t normally carry a waffle maker to school, but it was Sarah’s wedding present. Well, half of it. Half of the present, not half of the waffle maker. The other half is some glassware. Blue glassware. Everything in her house is blue. Blue blue blue. Blue.

“This is how horses do it”

- Nathan on his and Sarah’s wedding night

I was just thinking that wafflemakers would make cool clams, but they are electric, and everyone knows that WATER AND ELECTRICITY DON’T MIX. Nonetheless, don’t you think a bunch of waffle makers in the ocean would look cool?

This is dedicated to Rich: He likes waffles and I like pancakes. I should invent a duel waffle/ pancake maker. Genius.

Genius like my idea to make brownie mix without cooking it and just eating it raw. I laugh in the face of salmonella.

A couple of weeks ago, I was in Holly Pery’s car, which is almost as disgusting as mine, and I found a rotten apple core in her back seat, which I thought was hilarious, so of course I stole it with her permission and kept it in my purse for another week. Today I gave it to Mark Adam because he is hardcore. Get it? hardcore? Like, a core, like on an apple, but hard. Hard- core. HAHA. Holly came up with that one yesterday; I’ll give her the credit, but it was my idea to give it to Mark Adam.

Sarah’s little sister likes him. ooooooooooh…

It really grosses me out when people flush and don’t put the lid down. I mean, alot of things gret on my nerves, but this is icky. Have you ever seen that science fair project where they put black light fluid in a toilet, flush it, and put a black light on? Well, there are little specks on everything, including the shower, the mirror, the sink, and (dun dun dun) THE TOOTHBRUSHES. Ugh. I don’t always remember to take my toothbrush out of the bathroom, but I shouldn’t have to. A bathroom is a normal place for toothbrushes. Don’t I have the right to a toilet- free mouth?

I miss Peter Pan.

I’m going to be a rapper for Halloween. I’m borrowing my brother’s and Cederick’s clothes. I guess Cederick is my brother by commonlaw. He just doesn’t look like the rest of us.

I thought of a bunch of cool stuff to mention today at school, but my folder was unavaliable.

So I walked home from work today, which is now big deal, because I live like, 5 blocks away. I don’t think anything about it, because walking is healthy. I walk all the time. However, I was dressed semi- provocatively today, and more people than usual were looking at me on my walk home today. Halfway home, I realized, “Oh my gosh… they think I’m a prostitute.” I’m pretty sure it was the boots. I didn’t look slutty or anything, it’s just that nobody in Union City walks because they’re all fat. Fatties.

I cannot listen to/ sing The Postal Service’s “Such Great Heights” without smiling uncontrollably : ) I’m not even listening to them, I was just thinking…

It was really cold in school today, and I was wearing kind of a thin shirt, and Beth kept making fun of the erectivity of my neeplos. How embarrassing… and I don’t get embarrassed. But yeah, we were sooo bored in internship today. We played cleavage basketball with skittles. Bored.

I’m so glad for Ben and Jade though. She’s been obsessing over him since Sophomore year when he moved here. Since about 2 months ago, they’re dating. Her dating Ben Walsh = Liz dating Rivers Cuomo. Well, no, I’m afraid Liz dating Rivers Cuomo would be much cooler than Jade dating Ben. I guess Jade and Ben = Liz and a Weezer roadie. Yeah. That’s about it. Now Danielle is free to date, haha. Poor girl. So misguided.

There’s this Derek kid who was in my health class Sophomore year, and he’s sooo funny. Not even clever funny, just weird funny when you can’t help but laugh. He looks like Arnie from What’s Eating Gilbert Grape. He sings “I Am the Walrus”, but he adds the part to the end of the chorus that Ben says is the singing equivalent to running into a wall.

“I am the walrus, coo coo catchoo badoop boo doo doop…”

It’s funnier when he does it.

“Ben, you get all the fine ladies because you have awesome guitar skills. I don’t have skills. I don’t get the ladies.”

It was 80 degrees today. Holly wore a sweater. A black one. With a vest. LINED WITH WOOL. Of course, I made fun of her : ) Hey, at least her nipples weren’t erect all day…

“Eminem’s gotta cuss in his raps to sell records; Well I do, too, so f*ck Will Smith”

- Jimmy Pop

Jimmy Pop really looks like the dude who used to host GUTS on Nickelodeon like 10 years ago. Now that dude does stuff for ESPN. I likes him.

Steve says my house is cozy. When he told me that, I was like, “Um, when have you been inside my house?” He meant that it looks cozy from the outside. Quaintly cozy. Rich is quaint. Steve is silly : )

By Steve, I mean Holly’s boyfriend, Steve. Not Josh Steve.