Seriously. Who the hell came up with that? “I love you. Let’s touch mouths.” or “It turns me on so much when we touch mouths and you lick my toungue.” Seriously, guys.
Don’t get me wrong, kissing is fun. Fun fun fun. But who came up with the idea, and why is it fun? Certain people’s lips are more attractive than others, but why does that make one want to put yours against them? And move them around? And (oh my gosh) stick your tongue in their mouth?
These are the things people do with their mouths, besides kiss:
1. Eat
2. Lick rotten apple cores
3. Vomit.
4. Perform oral sex.
5. Kiss their dogs on the mouth.
6. Smoke.
7. Curse.
Now do you really want to touch your mouth with that? Sure. Because Everyone who reads this does at least 3 of these things. EVERYBODY IS GROSS. Embrace the grossness. Just don’t share grossies with someone who has more grossies than you. That’s just… gross.
“But Liz, people brush their teeth.”
Big deal!
But the question is: Why mouths?
Why not touch ears, eyelashes, or cheeks? Hey, the eskimos rub noses, why can’t we?
Excuse me, Inuits.
Let’s touch elbows. Let’s touch backs. Let’s touch breasts. Let’s touch armpits. Let’s touch feet. Let’s touch shins.
Let’s rub bellybuttons. Now that’s a goodun.
Ashley and I rubbed elbows the other night. It was a very intimate moment.
I sold $62 in products the other night. SIXTY- TWO BUCKS. Chyah.
This kid from my church is going into the Marines. I cant stand him. He’s lazy and fat and mean. Mum told me to buy him a card. Some woman asked me if I needed any help, and I asked her, “Do you have any ‘Congratulations on getting off of your fat lazy ass and making a carreer move’ or ‘I hope you don’t get shot’ cards?”
They didn’t have any.
You don’t like Ashley.
Kissing was invented as a way to transmit a poison to your enemies during battle…Wikipedia, bitch.