Seventy- two.
So this is number 72 of all of my posts here at mondaybear.com. Well, two of them are Holly and one of them is Matt, (Rock the Cock and “On it”) I was going to celebrate with a Flashback blog, much like on The Golden Girls when the writers couldn’t think of anything, but I could actually think of something. We’ll save Flashback Blog for post #111.
“I’d like to share some of my favourite memories with Trevor the Vampire.”
Or maybe the real 72. Depends on how little or how much pops into my head. Or why don’t you sit in my lap and I’ll tell you about the first thing that pops up.
Oh, snap.
So today, Emily kicked Ms. Sacchi in the breast.
That’s right, guys, my 74 year old dance instructor has breasts. And big ones, too. Emily didn’t mean to kick her in the breast, but you who possess breasts know how they can just get in the way sometimes. All poor little Sacchi wanted to do was correct Emily’s arm, but no. I told Sacchi that Emily is just jealous because her bust as bountiful. Not quite.
Speaking of breasts, what happens if a woman has triplets, quadruplets, or more? Can she not breastfeed? Do they have to rotate like in volleyball? Can she just breastfeed two and bottlefeed the rest? If so, how does she choose which two to breastfeed? Do they have a suck- off? A bake- off? A poop- off? It would make the most sense to have a suck- off, but it just sounds dirty. Or maybe she just chooses the two who she likes the best, because everyone knows that breastfed babies are healthier than bottlefed babies. Maybe they hire stunt boobs if they want all their children to be breastfed. But the stuntboobs would have to be just- given- birth stuntboobs whose babies don’t breastfeed. And most of the time when babies don’t breastfeed, it’s because the mother just didn’t want sagging breasts. So she’d have to find a just- given- birth mother whose baby just wouldn’t latch on.
“I can feed the world!”
I just don’t have time for microdermabrasion.
But less about boobs, more about Sacchi. Sacchi is very very liberal for an old lady, but she does -not- like tattoos. Carolina waltzed into ballet with a big tattoo on her ankle, and Sacchi was horrified. Being the brown- noser that I am, I said, “-I- don’t have any tattoos, Ms. Sacchi.” She said, “I know you don’t, but that’s the first thing you’ll do once you get out of my sight. Liz, you’re going to be 50 and have a spider crawling up your back!” “But Sacchi, I don’t plan on living that long.”
So I got this idea. I’ve got a bunch of fake tattoos from a crap- buying extravaganza with Alley Jo. I’m going to dig around for a spider and put that on my back. Then, I’m going to practice my fancy writing and put “SACCHI” on my arm. Or my butt. Or both. Maybe one of those prison teardrops. That would be nice, too. I’ll gladly take any suggestions. I have until friday morning.
So since I’ve been staying by myself lately, I’ve been fending for myself, food- wise. Not that mom usually cooks, but I usually have someone to buy me restaurant food. Welp, I’m fancy. I like nice food. Not Spaghettios. But I gritted my teeth and pretended to like Spaghettios. Kind of like how I do with Matthew. I just use him for his web- skills.
Lloyd: Oh my lord!
Michele: Oh my lord!
Liz: Oh my Lloyd!
So here are the reasons I would not want to be a porn star:
- I’d have to have sex with people who are not Matthew Drew Callis.
- Most of the people I’d have to have sex with are either gross old men with bad hair or women.
- I don’t work well under pressure, and pressure = 10 cameramen, directors, fluffers, etc. watching and scrutinizing every move I make.
- I’d have to help keep my partner’s penis up all day long. Now that’s what I call a -hard- task. Ha!
- Have you seen the size of some of those pornstar peepees? Ouch!
- I don’t like bikini waxes.
Last night I read an interview with Dick Smothers Jr. He seems like a real… dick.
He’s a primadonna. Even if your dad’s Dick Smothers and you aren’t as ugly as the other male pr0n stars, you’re still just a “stunt cock.”
I’ll try and dig up this interview. It’s pretty funny. He called what he does “acting.”
So I don’t really have grandparents. I do have parents’ parents, but they don’t act the way they’re supposed to. I’ll take Matthew for example:
His grandparents have pictures of him and Colleen all over their house. I think I counted ten in their dining room alone. My grandparents never put pictures of me up. I think each of them have one in their house, and maybe one wallet photo from the 8th grade.
Their family has little birthday parties for each other– I know that would eventually get old, but at least they get acknowledged.
I noticed when Matt got into an argument with his mom, his grandparents took his side. Whether he was in the wrong or the right, they took his side regardless, because that’s what grandparents do. They put their grandchildren before anyone else, because grandchildren can do no wrong.
I know that Matt’s mom will be a good grandparent… I mean, eventually. When we decide to have kids years from now. I am a little worried about my parents, my mom more than my dad, because they’re both selfish. Like my mom doesn’t want to be called “Grandma” or “grandmother” or “granny” or anything like that because it makes her “sound old.” Welp, that time’s gonna come, my dear.
“Mommy, we don’t want to go to Miss Susan’s house! She likes her dog more than she likes us!”
So in conclusion. I’ve got these animals and they’re being ultra- cute lately. Maybe they’re hungry. Am I supposed to feed them or something?