So I have no views so far today. I hate you assholes.
And just to clear a few things up: The last blog, the Matt cheating on me with Holly one, it was fake. Matt thought it would be funny to see who would try to “move in.” Not in a crazy possessive boyfriend way, but more like a “hahaha, she’s mine you cant have her” kind of way.
Here are some bad/ unfortunate things that happened:
1. Alley Jo read it, and without calling me, she drove all the way to my house from her grandmother’s in Dresden. She walked in my house prepared to kick Matthew’s ass, but she saw that I was laughing, because we had been making out and thought someone important came home, so we were pretending to read a sushi book. It was her birthday.
2. Dan’s day and a half was totally ruined, and he talked to several strangers about this occurance. He called me to find out that this was a false blog. He replied, “Well, I thought it didn’t seem like something you would write, but I thought maybe in all of that emotional stress, you lost your blogging skills.”
3. Several people freaked out, esp. Jared and Michael. Of course.
Plus, Holly and Matt have no desire to be “on it” with each other. But here’s where we got the idea of “on it.”
“What do you think Liz would do if she came in here and you were on it?”
- Steve to Holly after I went to the bathroom. I bet Steve talks dirty sometimes.
This just in! I don’t wear a bra anymore! Isn’t that cool? No, I’m not a hippie anymore, I just don’t wear a bra. Seriously, what’s the point?
HAHA! Point!
This happened over a year ago:
Liz: Emily! You must be really cold! I can even see your areola!
Erik: Liz! There are children present!
Emily: What’s an areola?
Erik: I can’t believe you said that!
Emily: What’s an areola?
Erik: That’s beside the point.
Now areola is the name of my car.
I think Matt and I concluded that I don’t have areolas. Areolae. That’s why you ballet/ theatre people/ whoever else happens to have seen my nipples notice that they are so small. Like little pink pennies. Unlike Emily’s brown fried eggs.
No more nipples. More pooping.
Just kidding, I don’t really have much to say about pooping right now. The only other gross stuff I have to say is Matt farted in front of me alot yesterday. It didn’t smell or anything, it just sounded really gross.
I’d like to eat a popsicle, but then I would have to blog one- handedly. Kind of like how I masturbate while typing my dirty stories for you guys.
Just kidding. I don’t really masturbate while writing dirty stories, even though I do type them one- handedly. My other hand is too busy searching the thesaurus for another word for “quivering member”.
I did have some really fun stories, but I left them in Matt’s sushi book, which is in Hermitage, Tennessee. If you like, you can go to his house and read the stories, or you can wait until my next blog. Whichever. But just for the record, they are the most ridiculous, rudest, least intelligent things I will ever blog. I couldn’t come up with this stuff without the help of English Majour Stephen (buy his book, The Shadows Whisper! www.stephenoutten.com! Go Steve Go!), Holly, Matthew Drew, or Alley Jo Gilliam.
Time for a fun game: Let’s play What’s Your Favourite Thing In Liz’s Car?…! This game is very similar to What’s Your Favourite Thing In Liz’s Closet?… You just look at the pictures and comment your favourite item. Here goes:
Front console:
Back Console:
Something:
Back floorboard
Backseat
So put your milk on my cocoa puffs. Milky milky cocoa puffs, your milk on my cocoa puffs, milky milky right.
If anyone could tell me what that means, it would be greatly appreciated.
So I graduated this weekend. I don’t like it when people tell me “congratulations.” What am I supposed to say? “Yeah, I know. I was afraid I wouldn’t make it.” I got to wear lots of smart kid stuff, though. Here’s what I got to wear:
Red gown, as opposed to blue
National Honours Society thang
Beta club thang
Tennessee Scholars thang
I would have gotten to wear a HOSA thang if Ms. Cindy hadn’t have “run out” when she got to me. She never has liked me. I just wanted to look smart. Is that too much to ask?
I got to sit behind Tyler Newman, so that was a plus. That kid always cracks me up. He entertained me and Matthew at project graduation. The downside was sitting behind that other kid. He really gets on my nerves. It’s his goal in life to show me how alternative he is. Psht. Dead baby jokes are -so- four years ago.
Here’s a day- by- day Thang of what Matt and I did while he was here.
Monday: Lots and lots of sex, because we hadn’t seen each other in six weeks. Then we went grocery shopping and found a baby and named him Junior. We adopted him. This is our second child.
Tuesday: I got my hair cut. New bangs. Then we went on a nice picnic in the park. I wore lots of sunscreen. Matt was going to steal something from the kids for me. Then we fought over who got to play with the sand crane thang first.
“This is more fun than it looks.”
- Matt
We saw the cutest baby bird. I almost killed a small black child because my swing didn’t have brakes. Matt was going to catch a bigass lizard for me, but he ran up a tree. The lizard, not Matt.
“Git ‘em, Paw!”
- Me.
Wednesday: We went out for sushi in Jackson. This was my first sushi. I really liked the red snapper, but I hated the California Roll. I noticed that Matthew does that thing that mom does that I hate. They point to the item on the menu when they tell the waitress what they want. A big ole shrimp talked to me: “Eat me, Liz! Eat me!” Then he talked to Matt: “Eat the rest of me, Matthew! Eat the rest of me!” My favourite thing there was the Miso (horny) soup. Matt’s going to make me some. Soup. Then we went to Booksamillion where I bought my dad a Simpson’s book, and I bought Matt a sushi book and two stamps. One had a robot on it. One had a duckie on it. I cried because I’m a bad driver. Esp. In Jackson. If you’ll remember, that’s where I had my Good Friday Wreck of 2005. Then we went to Heve’s, where we watched What’s Up, Tiger Lily? and Matt danced to The Lovin’ Spoonful. That’s right. Matt danced. Holly took some fab photos of us which will be blogged in a few. We didn’t have sex on the couchbedcouch, much to the dismay of Holly.
Holly: Oh, Steve, listen! They’re having sex! Isn’t that sweet?
Steve: No, Holly, I think that’s a bird.
Thursday: After being shooed off by Steve and Holly’s showtunes, (or should I say, shootunes), we basically just hung out at my house. That was fun. He didn’t pee on me. Then we played outside with Trixie. I had rehearsal, and when I came home, it was storming really badly, so Matt and I cuddled. I was ascared. I made a scared noise.
Friday: That was supposed to be my graduation, but it was scary outside, so it was postponed 30 minutes after it was supposed to begin. Matt and Mom wore the Mickey Mouse rain panchos that she and I wore in Disney World. Then we went to project graduation. I’ll blog more about that later.
Saturday: Real graduation, Lunch with dad, Leaving.
So these pictures that Holly took:
We call this one “Unbridled Ecstacy”.
Unbridaled Ecstacy = Premarital Sex.
“Look at me, I’m Matt, I love Liz’s ass. Liz Liz Liz. Ass Ass Ass.”
So here’s what I got at Project Graduation:
$25 gift card from WalMart
$20 gas card from Phillip’s 66
$250 scholarship
A really really really cool ’50’s red and chrome toaster, blender, and coffee maker set.
Tyler gave Matt his quesadilla maker that he wanted so badly for me to bid on. Tyler got two quesadilla makers and two Dip Masters. He didn’t want them. He wanted the bike, but some mean asshole outbid him.
“Here, you can have this quesadilla maker for when you guys get real serious.”
- Tyler Newman.
I really wish I had some French translations that that guy wrote. He’s one of the funniest people I know.
My jackin’ off muscle hurts. Not from jackin’ off, but from riding the bull. This has nothing to do with sex, even though Sarah Mahan calls her husband’s penis “The Bull” because of its massive size.
Speaking of sex, some woman lost her vagina in the war and offered her husband a divorce, but he didn’t take it. That’s love : )
<3
“Whose dad is in a band?!?!”
So I’m in a play, Noises Off. I didn’t audition, but the girl who did have my part was apparently untalented and was ugly and was a bitch and just all around sucked. So they call Theatre Extrodinaire Liz. I mean, I -am- kind of a big deal.
: ) That was for you, Michele.
But anywho, If you like Me, Jared, Michael, or Michele, come see it. It’s the last two weekends in June. Plus, you get to see me in my underwears. Plus, you get to see me almost have sex with Jared. But I mean, really, who -hasn’t- seen that happen? That’s even better than a unitard, eh?
So while I’m on Michele (not -it-), here’s something from the vaults:
“Liz, I noticed that you have very little rhythm.”
“Yeah, well I noticed that you have very little metabolism!”
Maybe she’ll let me snap her crotch.
So I tried Tiger’s Blood, and it’s red drank mixed with peach drank. It made Michael’s lips red, and it was really cute. He should start wearing red lipstick. But not with the brown eyeliner. Red lipstick just isn’t heroin chic.
So in conclusion, I was going to post a picture of Lindsay getting painted, but I decided against it. This blog already has enough pictures. Popsicle, here I come.