So do I really look like a rabid bunny when I laugh?
So. Bunnies are cute. and fluffy. much like myself. and those Matt dogs.
I would like to thank Melanie Holis for making me not look like Cinderella Barbie. For dress rehearsal, my skirt was some kind of purpley blue lame’ irridescent BULLSHIT. I looked like a 4 year old playing dress up. I’m serious, I had Barbie clothes made out of that same material. But Melanie so graciously stayed up into the wee hours of the morning and made me a whole new costume. Ah, Melanie.
Ages ago, I didn’t like her. She was the director of my first play, The Best Christmas Pageant Ever (I played Gladys. I was 7. I rocked that stage like nobody’s business.), and I thought she was amazing. Then her daughter started dancing with me, she had 2 more kids, and she was always stressed. Stress brings out the worst in people. Then we all went to NYC and we were assigned a room together. I was dreading it, but then I realized that when she gets away from those two younger kids, she’s one of the coolest people I know. She’s -so- intelligent, has a great sense of humour, and has more artistic talent and knowledge in her left fallopian tube than I do in my whole body. We went to MoMA together, and she opened up new ideas to me that I hadn’t even considered about every painting, sculpture, and photograph. And she thinks I’m talented : )
But back to the ballet. I was pretty worried about mine and Erik’s pas de deux, but we kicked its ass. Erik and I were sweating and breating hard, my toes were bleeding, but we pushed through it.
I broke my toe about 2 months ago, and I never let it heal. I haven’t had time, with this ballet and all. Meanwhile, I got a nasty blister a few weeks ago rehearsing with professional toe pads, because I think I’m cooler than I really am. Welp, that hasn’t healed either, because I’ve been dancing on it. I’ve been wrapping it up and wrapping it up and wrapping it up so I can’t feel it. After a while it goes numb. Ballet is -so- hxc.
Last night I had a dream that Matt’s sister Colleen and I went out for tacos, and she kept standing up on the table, and I couldn’t calm her. Then we went tagging, and she somehow got fangs.
I probably dreamt that because it’s sink oh duh my oh. Well, not anymore. Now it’s six duh my oh.
Holly: Lyk, OmGz, are you going to Kelsey’s Cinco de Mayo party?!?!
Liz: Are they gonna have half- price margaritas?
Get it? It’s Kelsey. Ha!
It’s really nice to have someone my own age with whom to make fun of these activities that these ladies our age seem to enjoy. Or pretend to enjoy.
Liz: OMG Holly! We -have- to sign up for Powder Puff Football! We’ll look so cute!
Holly: Picture it! We’ll make t- shirts, wear our hair in pigtails, and put eyeliner under our eyes to make us look “tough”!
Maybe then the boys will like us.
Q: How many sorority girls does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to make a t- shirt about it.
Those girls.
So I wish Dan would stop being an asshole bag and put me back in his top eight. Asshole bag.
Just for that, I’m not going to talk about pooping.
Instead, last night Matt peed while we were on the phone. Not only did he pee, but he actually flushed the toilet. I was proud of him for a minute, because he never flushes the toilet, a common idiosyncrasy among the mentypes, but then he told me he just flushed it because his cats like to watch the water go down.
Just for the record, he always flushes the toilet at my house.
Ashley came to the ballet last night, and that meant alot to me. She’s such a good friend.
So all of you blogfans should know how Calculus gets me. And you know how I don’t take notes in that class. Well, Math class + not seeing Matthew for ages = rawrgh.
Kristen: I could really go for some Los Portales right about now.
Liz: Well I could really go for some &^#%*(@$& Matt’s %@*$#! right about now.
Kristen: Oh, Liz, you’re so NC- 17.
I continued not taking notes in that class, and Jamie got my attention after ages of whispering my name. “Liz, calm down. You look like Bob from those Enzyte commercials.”
Speaking of Los Portales, there’s this new restaurant by Jillian’s called Los Pinos. Los. Pinos. Why would any English- speaking Mexican- American establish a restaurant (in Tennessee, of all states) whose name is similar to the English word for male genitalia?!?
There’s a restaurant in Dyersburg called El Patio. It’s supposed to be pronounced El PuhTEEoh, but everyone pronounces it El PAAHteeoh. I -know- that people will call this new place Lost Penis.
Now, lets replace Los Portales with Los Pinos in my above conversation with Kristen, shall we?
Kristen: I could really go for some Pinos.
Liz: Yeah, me too.
Baddabing, baddabang, baddaboom. It’s that easy. I could have refrained from saying all of those explitives in class had Kristen just been craving some Pinos. That would have probably been just as blogworthy, but less time- consuming.
So at the Rotary Scholarship Banquet, I was the only one who smiled when she stood up when her name was called. Everybody laughed, but I think it’s weird not to smile when you get money. I’m ususally happy when rich men give me $1,500. Maybe it’s just me. I dunno.
So Brenda was upset that I hadn’t blogged in so long. Remember that time a few years ago when I told her I was going to chop her up into little pieces and hide her in the walls of the ballet school? She was about 10 or 11, and that probably scared the hell out of her. That was funny.
And it confuses me that the vocalist for Pavement sounds so much like Rivers Cuomo. It’s a good confusion. Oh, that Rivers.
I gave up on him when I found Matt. Matt’s alot like Rivers, except better. He’s cute, intelligent, artistic, and antisocial. Except Matt isn’t celibate. He’s also not an asshole to his bandmates.
When I was in the 9th grade, I had a button on my backpack that said, “I’m a Cuomosexual”. One of my friends made it for me. My friends make me cool stuff.
Russ made me a t-shirt for my birthday. This upset Dan, because he was going to do something similar. He was going to go balls to the wall and put a picture of us on it until he realized he didn’t have a picture of us. He knew that I would appreciate it because, well, that’s just how we roll.
Like those FFA t-shirts. I bought one.
And I’m not even a Future Farmer.
Hell, I’m not even an American.
Oh shit, what if I’m doomed to be a farmer just because I bought a t- shirt. It’s an omen.
When we did this ballet 13 years ago, I was a mouse. There’s a picture of me in my mouse suit in the program. I was cute. My mouse ears covered up my mullet.
But those little mice were so amazed that when I was their age, I was a mouse. I told them, “Maybe when you grow up, you can be Cinderella.” The truth is that only 2 or 3 of them are going to stick with ballet. Most of them will quit when they’re about 9 or 10, because it’s no longer cool. The rest, besides the 2 or 3 aforementioned, will quit before they get to highschool. These are the girls who will get pregnant and die.
Stay in ballet, kids.
These are the things that ballet has done for me:
1. I have excellent posture.
2. I’m confident.
3. I’m not as fat as I could be.
4. I’m great in the sack.
5. I have self- discipline, which helped me to become anorexic (thank you, ballet!)
6. I’m not that much of a whiner.
7. I’m not a cultureless idiot.
8. I can walk in high heels.
9. I’m not on drugs/ pregnant. ie, it’s pretty much kept me out of trouble.
9. I can dance. Of course.
Zephyr got a job Girl Scouting. Go Zephyr Go.
I’ve been blogging for well over an hour. This is a megablog.
I have alot of gay music on my computer. Like, besides the gay stuff that I actually listen to. The reason, I tell you, is because I like to make CD’s for people, and on these CD’s, I’ll usually put a song that has to do with an inside joke. Such as RocketMan by Elton John. That one was for Jade.
Get it? Gay music? Elton John? Eh, eh eh?
Oh, so I met my beneficiaries at this Rotary Banquet. They are Bill Thompson and David Hopkins. Most people were really nervous and not talkative because there were rich middle aged- old men everywhere, but you know how I am. I was talking to Bill Thompson about Dave Matthews Band. So we were eating at the semi- fancy table (at which I knew how to eat and teach everyone else, thanks to those etiquette courses), and you know how when you’re pouring from a pitcher, sometimes all the ice from the bottom pours out all over the table? Well that happened to Andrew Polinski, and Bill Thompson said, “Well that’s a great ice breaker.”
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
I just lost it.
Now that’s one funny man.
When I have money, I’d like to give people scholarships. I’ll make sure all the poor kids have money to go to school. Not nessecarily poor like me, but I mean poorer kids. Like this one kid, his mom has a crap job, his dad doesn’t work, and although he is a complete annoying ass douche bag, he’s very very intelligent and polite. Well, he didn’t get a scholarship. He said that he nailed his interview and everything. That upset me. I wish I was unselfish enough to give him mine, but I’m not. Geez, I feel like a bad person now.
Michele is very good with children. She’s the best that I’ve ever seen. I love to watch her hanging out with the little ballet girls. I want her to be my kids’ Auntie Michele, if we have kids. Auntie Michele and Uncle J. (Everybody needs a gay uncle. I never had one. That’s what’s wrong with me.) And Holly, the drunken babysitter.
Right, and Auntie Em. She claims to already be Auntie Em, but she isn’t and won’t be for a long long long time.
Ms. McAllister has tiny little wrists.
I need to go to the nursing home to see her, Miss Dollie, and Mr. Vincent O’ Brien. Mr. O’Brien is fairly new. He’s really really funny and smart. He used to be something with the local government. He’s trying to hook me up with his grandson in Nashville, but my hookin’ up days are over.
His grandson is in his last year of med school though…
: )
Look, I’m Matthew.
But about Mr. O’Brien, he’s really funny. He is -always- naked. He has no inhibitions at all. Sometimes when he’s taking a nap, I’ll go in his room to put his sheets over him to cover up his… area…, but he just kicks them off. I know that’s how I’ll be when I’m old.
What am I talking about… I’m like that now.
My cool cousin Adam from Omaha always says, “That’s what I’m talking about.” Like “Oh yeah,” or “Yeah man,” or “That’s really cool,” or “Word.” It’s “That’s what I’m talking about.”
And one time he said, “Tennessee’s no Nebraska.”
So in conclusion, drugs will keep you out of ballet, but ballet will keep you out of drugs. Most of the time.