Monday Bear

A recent telephone conversation betwixt Alley and myself.

Liz:  What are you doing?

Alley:  I’m at the grocery store looking for some damn butcher’s twine.

Liz:  Like that sharp wire they use to cut cheese?  Why don’t you just use some sharp wire?

Alley:  No, you know, twine.

Liz:  I don’t follow.

Alley:  You know, like on TV when you go to the butcher, and they put the meat in the brown paper and tie it up?

Liz:  TWINE! I see.  Well I have a problem, and I need to talk to you about it.  I’m getting married in two months.  I met him when I was but a young girl of seventeen, and Im just saying, what if he’s not the one?  What if I meet someone in a year, and he’s the one I’m supposed to marry?

Alley:  Liz, listen to me.  You know, and I know, that you and Matt are in love, and that you’re only feeling this way and saying these things because you think you’re supposed to, because everyone gets cold feet right before their wedding.  You are supposed to marry Matthew, trust me.

Liz:  Yeah, I know.  You’re 85% right.  I am feeling this way mostly because I feel like I’m supposed to, but Alley, there’s so much out there.  I just went to Florida…

Alley:  Bitch, you went out of the state and didn’t tell me?

Liz:  I totally told you.

Alley:  Whatever.

Liz:  So there were all these guys in the bars and at the beach and stuff who gave me all kinds of attention that I just don’t get from Matt anymore.  I know he loves me, and he just bought a house for me, and whatnot, but I feel like he doesn’t always appreciate me.  There are so many guys out there who just think I’m the bee’s knees…

Alley:  Stop.

Liz:  What?

Alley:  That’s why you have to marry Matt.  Because you just said “the bee’s knees.”  He’s the only man in the whole world who doesn’t mind that you are 85.

Liz:  I guess you’re right.

Alley:  Liz, listen to me.  You’re beautiful, you’re smart, you’re sexy, you’re funny, but you’re Bea Arthur.  And I know you think that’s a compliment, but it’s not.  You’re old.

This entry was posted on Thursday, June 18th, 2009 at 10:36 PM and is filed under Dating, Old People, Philosophy. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.