Monday Bear

So my dear friend Zephyr is usually a counselor at Girl Scout Camp right about this time of year, but decided to take this summer off to explore herself.  To join the Peace Corps. To write a cookbook.  Catch up on school and take a few classes at MTSU.  To avoid cleaning my house, and because I missed her, I wrote her a letter the other day on one of those giant pieces of papers they wrap your fragile stuff in when you buy it.  In this case, it was a flower pot.

And Zephyr, please don’t read this until you get the letter, as that would defeat the purpose of the letter.

Anywho, here is the letter:

Dear Zephyr, (comma); (semi-colon/rectum): (colon).

I am writing this on a piece of (you already know) with a pen that you sent me from Girl Scout (one word?) camp, and hear you me, it is not good for writing.  The part that you hold is as big around as a hot dog (you thought I was going to write “penis,” didn’t you?  Because I’m a whore. )  It gets me wondering, “How the hell are girl scouts supposed to hold this giant pen__?)“  As this pen is hindering my ability to write, therefore your ability to read, I will switch pens and use this one only for small tasks, such as grocery lizsts.  There, that’s better (Gay Krys used to write that in his gay letters after switching pens.  Now he just switches penises.  I don’t know what that means, but it sounds gay.  Remember that song “Detatchable Penis?”)

So I was cleaning out my bedside table, and I found a pile of letters from you among a box of old receipts and edible pasties/nipple tassles (seriously, I swear).  I read the letters, of course, and I looked at the crap you sent me.  (Before I get to the next part, you should know that I am Home Alone with my cats/crabs.)  I found a tube of lipgloss/chapstick, and I exclaimed, “Shit!  Why haven’t I used this?”  Then I spread it about my lips.  But the main reason I’m writing you is this:

In one of your letters, you said that you wondered how turtles have sex.  ‘Probably doggie style.  I bet it’s awkward and robotic.”  About 2 months ago, Matt said, “I want to see a turtle,” while we were at Mammof Cave.  The next day, we went to his grandparents’ house.  Matt and his mom were outside detecting metal, and the rest of us were inside lunching.  Terri (mother-in-law) runs to the window and yells, “Y’all come out here!  There are two turtles having sex!”  I calmly walked outside, as two turtles having sex wasn’t as exciting as three turtles having sex.  Sure enough, it was doggie style.  However, it wasn’t robotic.  It was anti-climactic (HA!)  There was absolutely no (visible) penetration  or movement.  So the whole fam is sitting in the back yard, watching the turtles do it, and finally, they separate.  I picked the female up and put it back on the female, but the female quickly turtled away.  The next day was Matt’s cousin’s birthday, so I told Aunt Judy about the turtle ordeal/fiasco.  Turns out the same thing happened to her the day before!

I just remembered that our freshman biology book had a picture of turtles doing it.  When my mom came to visit, I woke her up to show her whilste studying, and she cracked up.

I went to Lowes today to buy a plant, and my boob popped out.  Well, my boob was already out (because I’m a rich housewife), but my nipple popped out.  Ha!  Lookie there, it’s out ehgain.

I currently weigh 125 lbs.  I would like to weigh 115 by the wedding, but my bod seems to like 121-123.  I’d like to diet, but I don’t seem to have the same willpower I did when I was anorexic.  Go figure.  I’ve constantly been drinking herbal tea to keep myself from snacking betwixt meals.  Right now I have green and red lavender.  My neighbor Laura says that catnip tea helps hoomans to calm down.  I’m thinking about sprinkling some of my cats’ catnip in a cuppa hot water.

Moe’s and Kitty’s birthday is Wednesday, but we had their party Saturday.  They got a giant jar of catnip, some balls (because Moe had his taken off), and a bunch of feathers on a stick, like they sell at sex shops, except with a bell on it.  They had a fun day.

Are you still a virgie?  If you are not, I reserve my right to know every detail.  I think that we would have fun together in a sex shop.  Grown-up marqueeing.  I’m thinking about asking you to dinner tonight.  I originally thought about asking Laura if she wants to order Chinese together, but I knind of want to go to Jason’s Deli for their spectacular salad bar.  I can’t ask her to go, because she walways eats Chinese on Monday nights.  If we go to Jason’s, how do I know that the salad bar will be up?  It’s just a lunch thing at some places.  I guess we could go to Moe’s if that’s the case, but I really want a salad for some reason (which is weird, because I usually crave pizza or burritos).  On the other hand, I made this great tortilla soup Saturday, and we have leftovers, and I hate to waste such a great soup/spend money.  I guess I should just call you and see if you’re even feeling social.  I understand if you aren’t.  Especially if you have a test tomorrow.  If you have a test tomorrow, I will not hang out with you.  No offense, I just want you to make grood grades.  Do you even live here right now?  I’m fairly certain you do.

You know the perks of being an honor student?  The fireplace, tea, and coffee, although I can’t drink coffee much, because it gives me the shakes/shits, which leaves (leads?) me to believe that I’m sensitive to caffeine, because the same thing happens with energy drinks.  I guess I’m just getting old and crappy.  I think I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome.  My dad has IBS, and I seem to (think I) have much of what he has:  arthritis, alcoholism, etc.  Another perk of being an honor student is/are the semi-private computers/printers.  One time I looked at a softcore-but-still-pornographic picture on one of those computers.  You know why?  Because I could.

I miss Dr. MacDougall and his condescending intelligence.  We still contact each other and send each other articles.  The last thing I sent him was a Married to the Sea comic.

Lizt of Hobbies I’ve Picked Up Since Becoming a House Wife (seriously)

• Daytime television (talk shows, judge shows, the Today Show, etc.)
• Unloading the dishwasher.
• Needlepoint.
• Forgetting that my cats are not infants, but cats.
• Vacuuming.
• Pot gardening (not marijuana, but gardening in pots).
• Hula hooping.
• Stuffing a small pillow under my shirt and pretending I’m preggers.
• Planning my wedding.
• Tetris.
• Decoupage.
• WoW (just kidding)
• Hello Kitty MMORPG (am I kidding?)

I am seriously considering ordering those Green Bags on TV.  Have you seen those?  They are AMAZING! They keep your fruits and veggies fresh for weeks!  I also want those things you put on the bottom of your feets before you go to bed, and you take them off, and there’s all this black crap on them.  It’s like mega-blackhead picking.

On the way to my mother-in-law’s house the other day, I saw a sign that read, “BIGEST YARD SALE EVER!”

Oh my gosh, I have pooped 5 times since I started this letter.  I have drank 3 cups of tea, as well.  I think there may be a corellation (sp?) (I took statistics!)

(doodles of Kitty, Moe, a toaster, a jiney, a tea bag, a peanut, and a galaxy, because I am autistic.)

I’m enclosing 2 tea bags.  One has directions, in case you don’t know how to make tea.

Liz

___________________________________________________________________________

End of letter.

More things that I enclosed in the letter

• Film negative
• Cocktail napkin with a picture of two old ladies in vibrant clothing that says, “When it comes to dieting, remember one simple rule…’if you can’t lose it, decorate it.”
• Green tea bag
• Red lavender tea sachet
• Piece of toilet paper
• Blotting paper, which is very fun to use if you haven’t washed your face in ages.
• A packing peanut.
• Part of a silk flower.

This entry was posted on Thursday, July 3rd, 2008 at 10:42 AM and is filed under Breasts, Pooping, Secks. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.