Pamela for Grilling
So I noticed that my previous blog, the Bonnaroo Blog, received a lot of negative feedback. If any of you old school Monday Bears recall the Great Obesity Fiasco, as it will hereon out be formally named, I am obligated to make fun of any gramatical or logical mistakes in aforementioned Bag of Dicks posts. Sorry, it’s policy.
Before I go any further, if you are at all new to Monday Bear or in the least bit lame, please read my disclaimer and know that nothing you read on the internet should ever be taken too seriously. Especially the blog of a stranger with almost no professional qualifications, stupid.
Also, if we’ve already kissed and made up, remember: Policy.
You know, when I admiringly review my entries after writing them, I try to ensure that my jokes will be, well, gotten. I understand that text is not the best way to convey humour, but deal with it until I get my own TV show, fatty. When a certain joke hasn’t been well-received, I take a second look at it to see where things went wrong. Then I think, “What kind of stinkhole doesn’t get this? Do they really think I’m this horrible of a person?”
John says:
“You definitely don’t belong. I think Kanye belonged more then you did. Please never return to Bonnaroo. You are a very unhappy person.”
John, I think I’m going to kill myself. Ever since the 7th grade, all I’ve wanted was to belong. I wish I could have fit into the type of person you think “belongs” at Bonnaroo. I would say I’ll try next year, but aparently you’re the guy who owns the farmland and will not let me “return to Bonnaroo.” Ever.
Jonas says:
“hey hipster, guess you’re not the festival type.”
- Really? Hipster? Thank you, I’ve always wanted to be one of those.
- Way to have the same name of the first song on the first Weezer album, which you probably hated. I hope you can’t live with the fact that you have something to do with a band popular with us hipsters and change your name to For Whom the Bell Tolls.
- Again, with this “type.”
“but if you go again. bringing your own toilet paper should be on the top of your list, right above a change of clothes.”-there are a million good reasons in the world to talk to a stranger for more than 30 minutes. there’s maybe 2 good reasons to talk to you for more than 5 minutes, especially if everything you say is about how you’re better than everyone else.”
I’m assuming that those two good reasons are Tits and Ass.
Fiddlydeedee says:
“stop making the Bonnaroo crowd think we are all like you.”
What? I’ve analyzed this comment to hell, and I think this is what he is trying to say:
Liz: Hey, Bonnaroo crowd. You’re all like me.
Crowd: Hey, you know what? She’s right. I think we are all like her.
Oh, and cool name, Fiddlydeedee.
Brady says:
“So basically you saw 6 bands, got shitfaced the whole time, and generally acted like a complete asshole to everyone you met? You sound like an awesome person.”
Yes, Brady, that’s exactly what happened. And thank you. You see, I don’t understand sarcasm either, so I thought it was a compliment. Get it? No, I didn’t think you would.
“I especially like the part about your fiancee punching someone, that’s super cool”
My fiancee was defending my honour. And yes, it was super cool. You see, I don’t understand sarcasm either. Get it? No, I didn’t think you would. And that right there was repetition. It makes things funny.
“Also, next time tell your idiot friend that you don’t have to ‘illegally record’ anything at Bonnaroo. You can openly tape whatever you want, so he didn’t have to smuggle in his minidisc recorder with a shitty mic he bought at Walmart. Enjoy your crappy recording.”
Hey, fuckface, that “idiot friend” of mine happens to be my monster of a fiancee. Remember that horrible guy who took up for his petite female companion? Next year, you should wave your recording equipment around and see what the security guards do to it. Oh, and it was totally (sarcasm) a minidisc recorder. And a shitty mic. And you aren’t allowed to listen to my totally awesome (not sarcasm) recording.
Brady here was witty enough to put a link in his name that just said “Eat it”. You sure got me, Brady. Here’s a link for you.
Get it? Well you shouldn’t. Because it’s not funny.
clay says:
“Wow do you realize your are a pretentious arse hole.”
- Wow, comma
- you’re
- “Arse? There is like a 1 in 8,024 chance that he is actually British.”
- I’m sorry, clay, but I don’t think I understand. See, at first, I thought it was going to be a question. But then it ended up being a statement.
“Hey lets go to a festival and bitch about everyone and be totatly judgemental. Karma has a huge slap for you.”
Karma has a huge slap for you, clay, for not capitalizing the first letter of your name. When you share the same name as an object, it is very important to capitalize, you big lump of mud, which I used to make animal shapes out of in grammar school.
And I hate to be “totatly judgemental,” but most browsers come with a spell check feature.
hmm says:
” Wow. Just wow. PLEASE stay at home next year. Because, well, you’re kind of a bitch.”
- Again, cool name.
- Again, I guess I’m not allowed to go next year.
- Zing! No, seriously, that one almost hurt my feelings. And then I remembered that it was from a complete stranger and only in reference to a blog entry. Good try, though.
samjaco says:
“There is absolutely no such thing as a contact high. That paranoid sensation that you were receiving was probably just the nasty looks that the crowd were shooting your way.”
You’re right. There isn’t any such thing as a contact high. Go ahead and smoke cigarettes around your baby, then. I’m sure they won’t get asthma.
“Do the rest of the festival-goers a favor. Next year just picket outside with the lord’s army. Seems like pompous, uptight, naggy, judgemental jerks would be right up your alley.”
That was my entertainment for the evening. Turns out that someone stumbled upon my blog and then posted it on this Bonnaroo message board. The thread was entitled “Snotty Girl Blog“. Here are just a few of my favourite posts:
- some one should kick her right in her cooter.
- I feel really bad for her fiance. She is quite the Ann Coulter
- After reading that I’m wondering why the hell she went to Bonnaroo in the first place. Hopefully her fiance had a decent time. Maybe he’ll come to his senses and dump her ass before it’s too late.
- I wish she was in my group. She would’ve been useful in weighing down our flagpole. Plus, with the loud obnoxious screeches likely to come from her mouth after tying her to the flag it would be easy as pie to find camp at night.
- And then I’d eat a crepe right infront of her face.
- Her fiancee punched a guy who accidentally knocked her over during a show. Maybe he’ll “come to his senses” and go play in traffic.
- She’s a ginger—what do you expect??
- my first thought was “raving bitch” which progressed to “self important moron” and that morphed into “waste of flesh”.
On the bright side, I did get two new subscribers out of the whole deal.
Today, I was on the phone with Alley Jo, and her husband was messing something up in the kitchen.
Alley Jo: He should just stick to the grill.
Liz: If you use Pam for grilling, he won’t.
Another conversation involving Pam and Alley Jo–
Alley: I want you to come to my childbirth class with me.
Liz: Why? All I need to do is spray some Pam down there.
Matt: Greasin’ up the gears.
Alley: I don’t like Matt talking about my gears.
Matt: Swabbin’ the deck.
Liz: Now that’s stretching it. Like her baby!
Alley had no idea that the last part of the conversation happened.
So in conclusion, today happens to be Moe’s and Kitty’s first birthday. They chased a bug to celebrate.
July 3rd, 2008 at 2:59 PM
You also spelled “fiance” wrong. Fiancee is the female form of the word, while fiance is the male counterpart.
July 3rd, 2008 at 3:17 PM
It was a statement sorry for confusing you. I debated for about three hours on “.” or “?” at the end. I look to use arse because it sounded cute when I was in Edinburg. I think Ass is overused.
Although I stated pretentious I may have been a little judgmental. I say a little because I am unsure pretentious is the correct word but am unsure of there is a word describing someone who is partly pretentious and part satirist. Maybe Limbaugh would apply.. If you come up with a better one let me know.
Regarding the name “clay” it is not capitalized for a reason and it isn’t my name. It’s one of those cute inside internet things.
Have fun with the future of your blog. I will return and sure I will enjoy it or my name isn’t clay.
July 3rd, 2008 at 8:46 PM
psst.
he didn’t defend your honor, no one soilied your honor. someone was just actualy having a good time and your boyfriend the young upstart leader of the asshole brigade decided to put a stop to that. Congradula-fucking-lations, he has alot of promise that one.
And if you waved your recording equipment around, the guard would probley just think you were high. once again, it’s completely kosher to tape at bonnaroo, which you would know if you weren’t such a quacking cunt.
July 4th, 2008 at 1:13 AM
I cannot stop laughing!!!
That guy may not be British, but he sure as hell wants you to know that he has been “across the pond”. I bet he has used that phrase (especially careful to sound casual) in everyday conversation!!
I do not appreciate Matt talking about my poop deck.
Oh, he didn’t say “poop” did he? Sorry.
July 4th, 2008 at 1:17 AM
CUNT!!!
July 5th, 2008 at 12:21 PM
“MyNameIsBetterThanYours Says:
I cannot stop laughing!!!
That guy may not be British, but he sure as hell wants you to know that he has been “across the pond”. I bet he has used that phrase (especially careful to sound casual) in everyday conversation!!
I do not appreciate Matt talking about my poop deck.
Oh, he didn’t say “poop” did he? Sorry.”
I am glad you are laughing, my attempts of being pretentious seemed to have worked. I am not as good at it as some so I was unsure if it would be understood…. And yes th word used as “C*nt” is offensive. Our of everyword used that one above is the only one that angers me…
July 6th, 2008 at 12:30 PM
Well in all fairness I was drunk when I posted my comment. You should stick with the stay in Nashville next year part of it, that was good advice.
July 7th, 2008 at 3:16 PM
I would like to know why you deleted my comment.
July 8th, 2008 at 12:19 AM
I would like to know why you people keep coming back to my friend’s blog if she is so pretentious and such a bitch?
July 8th, 2008 at 11:40 AM
Those people on the inforoo board are schizophrenic group thinkers. Some seem rational though. Anyway, go back to that thread. In the first part of the thread they all hate you, then someone, apparently influential in cyberspace, decides that she could be wrong about you . Then few more people feel the shame of standing out from the crowd and/or holding their ground and suddenly all is bright and sunny in inforoo land again.
Liz. you really must teach me the craft of human manipulation (not for evil purposes of course.) While I will say you are definitely more influential than Zig Ziglar….er….you still have a way to go till you are a Hitler or Bono (yech!)
To be able to irritate those folks and then bring them back around…that’s science.
As-Salāmu `Alaykum,
Bob
July 8th, 2008 at 7:53 PM
If you are addressing me, MyNameIsBetterThanYours, I keep coming back to see if she replied to my comment. (She didn’t; she erased it.) However, I don’t think your friend is pretentious or a bitch, and I never said that I did. I just think that if she’s going to call people out on their grammar, she should make sure she spells correctly the words she uses to do so. After all, she is the one who made a point of telling someone that “most browsers come with a spell check feature.”
July 10th, 2008 at 10:05 PM
I have indeed been served. : )
July 11th, 2008 at 1:30 PM
You definitely got me as a subscriber. Good stuff!
July 12th, 2008 at 4:04 PM
Are you kidding me?
Did people really come out of the woodwork to judge your views on Boner00?
I mean…
Its a festival of sell-out acts and ‘up-and-comers’ trying to mingle with the same crowd that probably only likes any of the bands because their coffee shop buddies spoke of them a time or two over a Caramel Macchiatto. I bring up that specific drink, because it does not actually exist. However, those that would spend this much time bitching about your attempt-to-be-funny blog probably go to Starbucks daily, bitch about the failing economy, and drink that bastard drink that is not what its name implies.
I bring up the economy bitching because Starbucks is the leading reason why Ethiopia is still a third world country.
I still think you’re cool Liz.
Matthew punching some dude in the face sounds… interesting.
I punched a dude in the face with my head once.
That was a few weeks ago.
He thought I beat the shit out of my exgirlfriend because she tried to tell people that I did.
After he walked away bleeding all over the place, he was told that I never touched her.
Irony.
…
August 26th, 2008 at 10:48 PM
i love it:
“When you share the same name as an object, it is very important to capitalize, you big lump of mud, which I used to make animal shapes out of in grammar school.”
-liz kick ass thomason
September 4th, 2008 at 5:29 AM
How ironic. Here you are critiquing others grammar from comments made in a previous blog. Failing to realize, you yourself made a number of misspelling and punctuation errors in that very same blog.
I guess the act of physically proof reading your own blog posts, and not relying on spellcheck is a bit too much.
Kettle, meet Pot.
October 31st, 2008 at 1:27 PM
Wow Liz, LMAO. This is halarious to know that all these peoples worlds revolve around you. I always knew you were cool, but wow, I didnt know you were this cool. Maybe we should hang out more so that some of the coolness will rub off on me. I think that one comment was right by whoever left it. I do think it is petty damn impressive that if these people think you are such a bitch they keep comming back and reading it. lol. LMAO and then that one girl says. ” Um, hey you out there that has a great point, ( only she thinks this part and doesnt say it) I only come back here to see if she messaged me back.” lol. .. um yea right. Could we say no life? oh yea, thats right Liz, speaking of not having a life, Thats probably alot of these people’s problem dont you think? The only things these people ( and by these people I mean the ones that “belong at bonaroo”) have to look forward to is there next joint. On top of that, Im sure the only excitement that exist in their lives is making bets on who can go the longest without showering. Wow. Can we say COOLIO? lol You know what Liz. . . you are so much better than the people at bonarroo?(sp)…and you know why? You are so much smarter than the people that even come to this site to read things you have posted about them and I think you proved that part pretty well.. Again with the smart chic earlier… I cant imagine getting home from something and hurrying up and turning on my computer to see if you have replied to my comment.. and when she saw that you didnt, she obviously read everyone else’s so she came for some other reason than what she said, so gloat on that for awhile Liz. *People hate you so much they just cant get enough of you* In conclusion, you have so much more going for you than anyone at bonaroo, bonarroo.. ( I dont even know how to spell it) lol .. and the real dumbasses that need to grow up here are the ones that cant accept anyone else’s opinion ( even if it means their stinkfest wasnt a blast). So anyway, you go to that stinkfest anytime you want to and wave that minidisc thing in the air and record things illegally all you want to! and if that mean boy at the gate that owns that farmland won’t let you in, you just let me know.. and Ill just come up with some way to buy him some pot or something.. and then he will.. thats all that matters to him anyway.. lmao.
love ya girl
and for all those who want to make fun of my spelling of bonarroo or anything else I messed up on… just remember… I probably wont have time to come back and check what anyone says about this, so dont waste you time
Theactualbitchfriend
October 31st, 2008 at 1:29 PM
oh yeah, before I go, to think that the person before mine left a comment just about you and grammar is funny to me too. lol \