Dear,
Bonnaroo Girl

Well it’s good you feel that Bonnaroo was sub par I won’t have the chance of running into such a bitch to ruin my good time this year. Your opinion is your own, but using “lady”, “photograph”, and “poop” in one paragraph is as awkward as citing the words “Big Bird” and “penis” in the same sentence. Judging from your pale ass in the photograph you need to realize that you are far from what guys would picture as their end goal for sexual endeavors at Bonnaroo. I feel sorry for your boyfriend, but maybe that’s the best he can do. I know what he was thinking, ‘A girl like this, she’s too classy for a condom.’

People that have sex at Bonnaroo contain atleast 3 of the following
1) Alcohol or drugs
2) Sweat and smell
3) The intelligence to realize you are fucking CAMPING
4) A bitchful demeanor, lack of music appreciation, and the ability to shrug off the importance of a shower while still condemning the fact that there’s no toilet paper to wipe your uptight ass.

I’m sure after such a trip you’re in need of a good douching, but judging from your post, you and your friends seem to appreciate illusion of being “hippie”. Which is not an adjective, fuck tard. Seriously, this is an intervention to knock you off your pedestal. You’re a girl so certain of your expectations you fail to come to grips with the fact that you can’t be the center of the universe. Girls that guys want to screw do not drink a tall glass of bitch every morning, and then take advice from their brilliant boyfriend who says, “no water after 10am” in 90 degree weather.

I’m apologize for using words longer than five letters to describe the magnitude of your utter failure at life. Your experience with Bonnaroo was bound to fail. An antique as a form of transportation is just stupid when you have no mechanical experience let alone the tools to fix anything. Then, bringing recording equipment when they explicitly remind you they record every single show from the stages mixing boards and copies will be available to purchase. And, you were completely unprepared for the reality of being outside which guess what … that’s right, no indoor plumbing. Last, that girl’s tits may have been triangular, but I guarantee your face is a far worse quality to bear. You can fix boobs, but you can’t fix bone structure Sarah Jessica Parker.

Good job on bringing your boyfriend to a festival where you could point out all the other girls that were fat and ugly while reminding him how lucky he was to be fucking a girl like you. Whose vagina, by the way, most likely resembles Chewbacca in terms of quantity of hair and nagging disposition. My guess is rather than talking to you, Bigfoot decided not to put up with your shit, said fuck you, and gave you a swift kick to the lady goods.

I think I speak for everyone when I say, “A girl like you could stand next to Hitler at the Superbowl Halftime show, and people would ask, “Who’s the bitch?”.

Sincerely,
A concerned CollegeGuy

and for all those who want to make fun of my spelling of bonarroo or anything else I messed up on… just remember… I probably wont have time to come back and check what anyone says about this, so dont waste you time

Theactualbitchfriend

I guess the act of physically proof reading your own blog posts, and not relying on spellcheck is a bit too much.

Kettle, meet Pot.

“When you share the same name as an object, it is very important to capitalize, you big lump of mud, which I used to make animal shapes out of in grammar school.”
-liz kick ass thomason

I mean…
Its a festival of sell-out acts and ‘up-and-comers’ trying to mingle with the same crowd that probably only likes any of the bands because their coffee shop buddies spoke of them a time or two over a Caramel Macchiatto. I bring up that specific drink, because it does not actually exist. However, those that would spend this much time bitching about your attempt-to-be-funny blog probably go to Starbucks daily, bitch about the failing economy, and drink that bastard drink that is not what its name implies.

I bring up the economy bitching because Starbucks is the leading reason why Ethiopia is still a third world country.

I still think you’re cool Liz.
Matthew punching some dude in the face sounds… interesting.

I punched a dude in the face with my head once.
That was a few weeks ago.
He thought I beat the shit out of my exgirlfriend because she tried to tell people that I did.
After he walked away bleeding all over the place, he was told that I never touched her.
Irony.

…