Monday Bear

So Alley Jo learned, and ultimately overused, a new phrase:  Bag of dicks.  For about two weeks, everything was a bag of dicks.

“That guido is a bag of dicks.”  “Your room mate is a bag of dicks.”  “This bar is a bag of dicks.”  “That lipstick costs $10?  That’s a bag of dicks.”

As cool of a phrase as it is, it had to be limited.  I told her that she was allowed one bag of dicks a day, or else it would lose its impact.  For now, she is following her plan.  Good job.

Holy cow.  I just stumbled upon something.  Something that isn’t even suitable for Stumbleupon.   Something frightening. Here’s the story:

I wanted a picture of a guido for you guys.  So naturally, I google image searched it.  I find this picture.   It scares the hell out of me.

For those of you who don’t take too kindly to clicking links, it was a picture of some naked people doing the tango.  And by “tango,” I mean the dance, not the sex.

But wait.  To every image, there is a source, right?

My Nightstand:  Your guide to sensual  pleasure.

I dare you.  Click on it.

Again, if you’re one of those people, it’s a blog.  About… sensuality.

Nude?  Tango?  Sensual?  Blog?  Really?  All that from a Guido?

Breaking News: Something absolutely golden just happened.  I meant to type “spaghetti,” but instead, do you know what I typed?

Spaghetto.

Golden.  I love it when stuff like that happens!  I am so going to start calling spaghetto… Ha!  I did it again!

Lizt of Things I Ate Today

• компютри втора употребаBowl of dry Kroger brand Reese’s Puffs.  (Yes, there are finally generic Reese’s Puffs!)
• 1 Whole Tony’s pizza, and it was delicious.
• Two cups of green tea.

At least I didn’t snack.  I was too busy.  I had a busy day.  I cleaned my house and decoupaged my futon.  Man, I’m bored.
So once upon a time, there was this fat chick.  Like really, really fat.  We were in class together, and she said, “nauseous.”

“I feel nauseous before I give a speech.”

Oh really?  Like, you cause nausea?  Or you’re made up of nausea, like a gaseous planet is made up of gas?  No, I don’t think that’s what you meant.  I think you meant you’re nauseated.  As in experiencing nausea.  Am I right?  Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Nauseated, please.  Not “nauseous.”  There is hardly ever any excuse for using the word “nauseous” unless you are quoting Philbert.

Unless she knows she causes nausea to me.  Then she is nauseous.

You know who else is nauseated?

Alley Jo is.  You know why?  Because she’s pregnant.  And I’ve already named the baby.  The baby’s name is Peanut.  Because that’s what it looks like at the moment.

As a sidenote, irregardless is not a word that you should be using, either.  You know why?  Because it isn’t a word, ass hat.

Whoever uses words that aren’t words is a bag of dicks.

That my friends, is what we call “Recall” in the comedy world.

I had a daydream that I was a standup comedian, and in this daydream, I wrote my own bit.  From that point on, I decided that I was going to be a standup comedian.  Comedienne.  People don’t say that as much as they used to.  So anywho, I ran the idea by Matthew, and he said it was a horrible idea.
Can you believe it?  My own fiance doesn’t even think I’m funny.  He thinks I’m cute.  Cute?  Psht.  I’ll show you cute…

Dammit.  He’s right.  I’m wearing a freaking cupcake hat, for Peat’s sake.  I’ll never make in the world of standup comedy.

Lizt  of Qualities of which One Must Possess at Least One in Order to Become a Successful Comedienne

• Black.
• Gay/ Lesbian.
•  Seemingly boring but with killer one-liners.
• Jewish
• Highly offensive to all groups of people, either including or excluding WASPS.
• Ugly.
• Fat and self-destructive.

I don’t have any of these things.  I guess I’m doomed to be a blogger who blogs about midwifery, or a midwife who blogs about blogging.  I haven’t decided.

Oh, how I wish it was the ’50s ehgain.  Then I would be Lucy.

Why is it that women can no longer be beautiful and funny at the same time?  Is it because she died?   And for that matter, why is it that we cannot differentiate between sexy and beautiful?  They are not, and should not be, interchangeable.

Dear girls from a few months ago,

Now that I’ve had ample time to cool down from our encounter, I can now confront you.  It’s not okay to smack your food. It’s not okay to suck chicken juice off of your fingers.  And it’s not okay to stand in the middle of the freaking sidewalk and make people who are half your size walk around you.  You probably shouldn’t even be in college.  Go work at what would obviously be your dream job, a Sidewalk Blocker at Chik-Fil-A.

Unapologetically,

Lizzie

AKA, Cute Tooth Baby

So this was just kind of a practice blog.  You know, to get me back into the mood, seeing as I haven’t blogged for as ls. ong as my water heater has been broken, ie, freaking months. If this is your first time reading, then 1.) why haven’t you been reading since 2005, 2.) subscribe to my RSS feed, and 3.) I apologize for this being not up to par.  Please continue down and read some of my earlier, funnier entries.

So in conclusion, this summer, I am officially a housewife.  The new kind, you know, that blogs.

This entry was posted on Friday, May 23rd, 2008 at 1:58 AM and is filed under Babies, Dreams, Food, Language. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.