Monday Bear

So here I am, typing muh blog, eating m&ms from this weekend’s wedding.  They read “Allison and Jody” and “10/7/07″.  They are the best damn m&ms I’ve ever had. 

At any rate, I’m typing this on a Mac at school, because I had to check my myspace, and I thought the hipness of a Mac would counteract the lameness of the ’space.

While we’re on the subject of Macs, I noticed something every since Matthew got his over a year ago:  Boys with Macs are cuter than boys with PCs.  It’s a well-known fact.

So as earlier noted, Alley Jo’s wedding was this weekend.  ‘Twas an eventful event, with little Bridezilla moments.  My favourite:

Alley: Liz!  Stop messing up the lattice!
Liz:  Alley, this is the only weekend of your entire life that you can say “lattice” in such an angry tone.

Yes, some things went wrong.  However, before I present them to my readers in lizt format, I’d like to commend Alley on not freaking out when these things happened, but laughing.

• The preacher called her husband “Troy.”  Twice.  His name is Jody. 
• Regarding creation, the preacher said, “she sure don’t look like no monkey,” leaving Alley flabbergasted and holding in her laughter.
• Jody’s nephew isn’t a bad kid.  Really.  He just has a bad mom.
• Alley Jo’s mom had to pass me tissues during the prayer.  When one bows her head while crying, snot tends to pour into her cleavage.  Curse my friends for having their weddings on my PMSing weekends.
• During the unity candle, these two people were supposed to sing.  Me, not knowing I was standing on either side of the microphone cord, was stricken with surprise when the man grabbed the mic and the wire brought my skirt to my crotch.  I put one leg over, so that I was no longer straddling the wire, only to realize that the wire travelling around my huge ass prevented the microphone from reaching his mouth.  So once more, I had to step over the wire (which was about 3 feet high by this point). 
• Gabby had to walk out with the Best Man, who had a huge mole on the side of his head.  It kept looking at her on their walk down the aisle. 

Luckily, she had a smokin’ hot wedding party (at least the females), so all was forgiven.

Gosh, I can’t believe she finally lost her virginity…

Speaking of smokin’ hot, I just remembered this from my days of 2nd grade.  Remember, I was a most unfortunate-looking child.

Kenny:  My dad said that girls who are really pretty right now will grow up to look ugly, and girls who are ugly will grow up to be pretty.
Shawn:  Wow, Elizabeth, when you grow up, you’re gonne be smokin’ hot!

True story.

KP, friend from work (ex-work, I quit), is a hoot.  Matthew can never remember her name, so he always calls her DP.  Here are some things he’s called her corresponding to his original nickname for her:

• Donkey Puncher.
• Double Penetration.
• Dick Pheasant.

Not sure where that last one came from.  Anywho, she’s a pretty funny girl.  She’s from Laos, so I will give her the benefit of the doubt and say that she is just less acquainted with the American culture.

We’re all eating at O’Charleys, and nobody is saying anything.  She looks at me from across the table and says, “Do you like nature?”

Yes.  Yes I do.

Then one day at work, I asked her to go to Wal-Mart with me to get a wedding shower present for Alley Jo.
KP:  What’s a wedding shower?
Liz:  It’s when people get married, they have a party where people give them presents.
KP:  Oh, people do that?
Liz:  Don’t you know anyone who’s ever gotten married?
KP:  Only like, the grownups…

And finally, my personal favourite KP moment:

KP:  Wow, this dress is so cute!  It would look good on you.
Liz:  You think so?
KP:  Yeah, you could wear it with anal beads.
Liz:  …
KP:  What?
Liz:  … what the hell are you talking about?
KP:  Anal beads, like the one’s you’re wearing.
Liz:  Like love beads?
KP:  I guess, whatever.
Liz:  KP, do you know what anal beads are?
KP:  I guess not.
Liz:  I’ll just show you later.

Whenever Alley Jo talks about my past bout with anorexia, she always exaggerates it. 
Alley:  I always say you were like, 54 pounds. 
Gabby:  9 pounds, 3 ounces, 21 inches long…

So in conclusion, you don’t have to throw the toilet paper away when the cats play with it, or when it falls on the floor.  It’s not like where you’re going to put it is such a clean area in the first place.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, October 9th, 2007 at 11:02 AM and is filed under Awkward Scenarios, Party over here. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.