Holly had a weird dream about me. Well, regarding me. Steve wanted to have a child, but Holly didn’t, so Steve stopped taking his birth control, and he got pregnant. Belly and all. Holly was pissed/ embarrassed, so Steve told people that it was a beer belly. Then he went into labour, and they (tadah) gave birth to a beautiful 13 pound Liz. However, my head was the size of an adults, and my body was a baby’s. The doctor handed me to them, and I looked at Heve’s fear-filled faces and muttered, “HI!”
I bet I was hard to pass through Steve’s urethra.
I have 1112 views.
Speaking of the aforementioned creepiness, the weirdest thing happened to me today. You know, old people can say strange, scary, sometimes prophetic things. This old woman with Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s grabbed my hands today and whispered, “We killed him.”
Liz: Who did we kill?
Lady: We killed the one we feed.
Liz: What?
Lady: You don’t love.
Liz: I love everyone.
Lady: If you don’t love, THEN GOD WILL STRIKE YOU DOWN!
Then a nurse came in to give the woman her meds. I walked out, and the woman kept staring at me. This scared the hell out of me.
I know, I’m the type of person who thinks that everything means something, everything is a sign, an omen, but this is really freaking me out. Tell me what you think. Is this woman prophetic or just senile? Is this a huge turning point in my life, or is this just a crazy old woman? I’d like your opinion.
Like, a month ago, I asked everyone to tell me what your auras and souls look like, and nobody told me. I was disappointed. Assholes.
Dan called me while I was at rehearsal last night. Andy Milonakis was on and he wanted to watch it together. That’s fun. He used to piss me off so bad watching that when we were on the phone… hahaha. Use more inflection. Dan, you are a trip, and I’m sorry for not calling you back. I was going to earlier, but then I remembered you have a “normal” family that may be eating dinner, and God knows I mustn’t do anything else to make ton mere me dispise.
What’s so funny, pretty boy? Why are you laughing? You’ve got dimples! Do you blush? Drop and give me twenty!
Remember the episode of Ren and Stimpy when they went to boot camp, and the drill sargeant told Ren to give him twenty, and Ren gave him a twenty dollar bill? And the first time they got in trouble, they had to peel potatoes. The second time, watermelons. The third time: H bombs. Classic.
“Your eyes are like diamonds…”
hahha.
I lost 4 pounds this weekend. Thank you, Saltines! Thank you!
I’m always sad when I’m not smiling.
“That’s not living. That’s just existing.”
- Mr. Moore
Sometimes he feeds us bullshit propaganda, but sometimes he actually knows what he’s talking about.
Are you a thinker or a feeler? I’m a feeler. I feel, don’t think. Some of my closest friends think, don’t feel. My mum thinks and doesn’t feel. This evens me out. Thinkers may be more successful, they may have more things work out than feelers, but holy, feelers are so much happier. Some may not know it, but we are.
Another difference between me and my mum: She dwells on the past, I dwell on the future. She worries about things that have already happened and are finished. I worry about things that haven’t happened and probably won’t happen.
My mommy loves me : )
My dad and I used to have such an amazing relationship. Did that end because I grew up? Because I’m a woman now? Because I have tits and an ass, and he can’t see me as the little girl whom he taught how to change oil, with whom he used to eat pizza and watch I Love Lucy, who would laugh at his obnoxious jokes because she was too young to realize they were obnoxious? I understand. I really do. When my daughters grow up and don’t want to be fairies anymore, it will make things weird. Like, “who is that woman?” weird. But I still want to be a fairy.
So this ended up as one of my more serious blogs. Sorry. My next one will be goofier. I promise. Potatoes.