Monday Bear

So there’s been this watermelon in a bag in my fridge for about three weeks now. Matt brought it home, and he hasn’t touched it yet. I probably won’t eat it, because I don’t eat squishy fruits (tomatoes, over-ripe bananas, over-ripe anything). He probably won’t eat it, because he forgets about leftovers easily.

Gabe probably won’t eat it, because, well, he’s Columbian, and I don’t think they have watermelon in Columbia.

Do they? I don’t know. I’ve never been.

So my birthday was Sunday. In honor of that, I’ve made a list of everything I wanted for my birthday, and everything I got for my birthday, mostly stuff I didn’t know I wanted.

Things I want for my birthday.

• A massage.
• Hermit crabs.
• Art for my walls.
• 100 Happy Poems by Wendy Cope.
• A cheesecake.
• Candles.
• The My Life Without Me soundtrack.
• Grocery money.
• Antique hats and things.
• A shelf for my antique hats and things.
• A nice wedding gown.
• A front end alignment and/or balance.
• New used tires.
• To go out and do what people do when they go out.

Now here’s what I got, in chronological order:

• Hermit crabs from Colleen. I named them Jorje and Squidward.
• Hermit crab accessories from Matthew. Beach balls, water conditioner, coconut bark, water dish, etc.
• A gift certificate for a 60 minute Swedish massage from my mum.
• A grill, charcoal, and grill accessories from my dad.
• A crazy garden gnome-esque mushroom from Nanny, Matthew’s “other grandmother”. She got it at Cracker Barrel.
• A cheesecake from my mum.
• A 4 ingredient cookbook from Nana.
• The Chocolate Factory (as seen on TV!) from Matthew. He got it at Goodwill.
• Molds for it from Nana.
• A tank top from Nana.
• Measuring spoons from Nana.
• A lobster platter from Nana.
• A red bamboo rug from Nana.
• 5 kitchen towels from Nana.
• A Hello Kitty VHS tape from Matthew.
• 2 crab terrariums from Matthew.
• A measuring cup from Matthew.
• 35$ from various other members of Matthew’s family.
• A pretty grey shirt from Mama.
• A set of decorative oil lamps from Mama.
• A pretty frying pan from Mama.
• A Hello Kitty watch from Mama.
• A set of pretty plates from Mama.
• Body butter from Sarah (pink lemonade, pineapple, and fruit smoothie flavours)
• A lavender flavoured Yankee scented oil thing from Sarah.
• A Hello Kitty Toaster from Matthew. It burns Kitty’s face into the bread.
• (dun dun DUH) A Hello Kitty “personal massager” from Matthew. They made them in Japan for a very short period of time, until they realized what they had done.

Pictures soon.

So a few weeks ago, I’m on the phone with Holly, good old married Holly, and she’s getting ready for work, boiling water for macaroni.  I’m trying to tell her one of my interesting stories, and out of her beautiful, sweet, innocent mouth comes

Holly:  Shit.  Holy shit, Liz.  Holy shit!
Liz:  What?
Holly:  There is a mouse in my macaroni!
Liz:  cracking up Well, get it out!
Holly:  Shit, Liz!  Oh my God!  Oh my God!
Liz:  Holly.  Calm down.
Holly:  I am fucking boiling a mouse.  Oh my God.  Liz.  I am boiling a fucking mouse!
Liz:  Holly, listen to me!  Remove the mouse from the stove.
Holly:  Shit, Liz!  He’s rolling around the noodles!
Liz:  Remove the pan from the stove and pour it out.
Holly:  No, I’m leaving it here so Steve will believe me!
Liz:  No, he’ll get bloated and explode.
Holly:  … Liz that’s nasty!  What do I do?  There’s a fucking dead mouse in my macaroni!
Liz:  What steps are you taking to solve this problem?  Remove the mouse from the stove.  Pour him outside.
Holly:  But I’m on the second floor!  What happens when the people downstairs see a dead mouse fly by their window?
Liz:  Well I guess they wouldn’t give a flying rat’s ass…  No, Holly, you go outside and pour it out.
Holly:  What will the neighbors think when they see a dead mouse and some noodles in the parking lot?
Liz:  Pour it in the garden.  It will decompose and be beneficial to the growth of your flowers.

And she did.

So in conclusion, you can soon be looking for a box of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese with our faces on it.

Edit:  “Our” because I helped her through her time of need.  Blue box blues, bitches.

This entry was posted on Friday, August 10th, 2007 at 5:31 PM and is filed under Family, Food, Nasty. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.