Monday Bear

So this morning, Matt farted on the cat. He said go over there and sniff the cat, and see if it stinks.

You see, usually when he says something like that, I say, “No that’s gross” and he says, “But you love me, you have to do it” and I say, “But if you love me, you wouldn’t make me do it” and then he tickles me or holds a booger dangerously close to my face until I give in. However, this time, I decided to cut the crap, so to speak, and go ahead and sniff the cat. I thought maybe I could cheat by sniffing a different part of the cat, a part upon which he didn’t fart, but to no avail. No matter where I smelled him, he stunk.

That was one stinky cat.

So this blog has many a list.

A funny thing happened on the way to the forum at work yesterday: I was writing said bloglists on a piece of paper I found in the fitting room. Since I was wearing a skirt, I stuffed said bloglists into my bro bra. When we went to Logan’s after work (which was very good, by the way. I had a burger and chips. I wanted to get some cheesecake, but I filled up on bread, so I couldn’t even fit the whole burger in my tummy, let alone the cheesecake.) When we went to Logan’s after work, I remembered the list, and dove my hand into my luscious bosom to find the paper. ‘Twasn’t there.
A few hours later at home, I took my bra off, and I found the piece of paper neatly folded and stuck to my bottom boob.

Thank God.

I would have been the laughing stock of Ross Stores, Inc.

Also, when I got home, I was just standing there, and my skirt fell off, just like on a TV show or cartoon or something. It just fell off. Then I started laughing all crazylike. I forgot that when I got into my car, I had unzipped my skirt because I had eaten so much bread.

Logan’s rolls are so good.

Any who, here’s one of the lists:

Things that are gross:

• Sweatpants boners.
• Mustard crust.
• Mustard juice, for that matter.
• Cat foam. You know, that foam that comes from cat’s mouths.
• Obese children.
• Those balls of poop matted into fur around dog’s butts.
• The smell of the potty. Even if it’s clean. It still stinks, because it has that definite potty smell.
• Animal blood. Like when men keep meat in the freezer, and animal blood gets popcicled.
• Dishwater.
• This huge zit on my chin.

Things that are not gross:

• Tiny pink cat’s tongues.
• Pooping. Everybody does it.
• Melted cheese.
• Feet. Everyone has them.
• Baby diapers.
• Pretty flowers.
• Hats.

Things I hate about work:

• Fat people.
• 15 year old girls.
• How everyone puts everything on me.
• Kids on heelies.
• Not getting to eat.
• Not getting to wear jeans.
• But seriously, about the heelies, whenever I see kids rolling about in the store, I want to stick my foot out in front of them and trip them.

Things I like about work:

• Old ladies always tell me how beautiful I am. Matt said that it’s because I don’t look like a modern girl. He says I look like a young old lady. Like a high school picture of an old lady. Not a 55 year old lady.

Man, I hate heelies.

So in conclusion, Matt got drunk the other night. We were trying to think of that rhyme that tells you in which order you can drink beer and liquor, and he said, “Liquid before liquor, your pubic hair’s gettin’ thicker.”

This entry was posted on Monday, May 21st, 2007 at 10:04 PM and is filed under Nasty, Old People, Party over here. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.