Monday Bear

So I just googled mondaybear, and this is what I found:

One of those stupid myspace glitter graphics comments things.

But at least now people can spread the good word, right?

Is it sacrelig that I called mondaybear.com “the good word?”

“Eat shit. 20 billion flies can’t be wrong.”
- My English teacher (who happens to be German), Dr. Lutz.

Now when he googles himself, he’ll find my blog. Then he’ll email me and be like, “wow, Liz, you really are an insecure, thought-collecting, quasi-intellectual woman, just like Bridget Jones.”

Here are a few of my thoughts on some of my Chemistry collegues. In list form, just like you like it:

1. Sorority girl. She always insists on being my lab partner. At least she doesn’t look down upon me, but damn. She gets on my nerves for the following reasons:

• She has cankles.
• She talks too much, especially about things I don’t care [her boyfriend, her step show, her high school softball team, her sorority's tee-shirts (no, seriously)], and especially during lab while I’m trying to do all of her work.
• She flirts with Dr. MacDreamy.
• Once, she said, “I was one of the valedictorians of my class.”
• She weas pajamas every day.
• She is scared to go to the gynecologist. And she wants to be one. And she mentioned going into business with me. No thanks.

2. Pennsylvania. He was in my Theatre class last semester. And my math class.

• For the first two weeks of last semester, he wore his Avenue Q shirt every day we had theatre class. And he constantly talked about theatre class.
• Apparently, he’s got this girlfriend, but she lives in Pennsylvania. And she’s a supermodel. Just kidding. But he talks about having sex with her.
• He’s Scotch-Irish, and he always mentions how last semester he got extra credit in Chemistry for wearing a kilt. (But I thought you were so fucking smart you didn’t need extra credit in Chemistry).
• He’s Scotch-Irish, and he always talks about how much he loves beer, and the man who invented the pH scale, because he invented it because of beer. “I’m going to go hug that guy. BEER!”
• He’s always making feeble attempts to relate to Dr. MacDreamy.
• He’s one of those people who, when the teacher says we’re going on to so and so subject of chemistry, he says, “yaaaay, so and so subject”.
• He constantly talks about how he wants to work at Oak Ridge and blow stuff up.
• He is probably one of those people who wears those black tee-shirts with white letters from Hot Topic that says things about talking to squirrels or evil clowns.

3. The 45- year old. She just basically flirts with Dr. MacDreamy. But she also wouldn’t be my lab partner. Lame. You think just because I’m cuter and younger than you, I’m stupid? F you.

4. The coffee pot guy.

• He breathes wrong. He sounds like satan making coffee. Seriously. Because of his lame ass breathing, I cannot concentrate in Chemistry class.
• He is a male chauvanist.
• Once he, along with sorority girl, were my lab partners. She was babbling on about how often one should wash her hair, disgusted that I only wash mine once a week. He said, “Now, ladies, I’m sure hair care and grooming tips are very interesting, but we have work to do.”
• He’s even less patient with lab partners than I am.

How many sorority girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?

3. One to do it, and 2 to make a tee-shirt about it.

Once, in the 6th grade, at lunch, I told Tyler W. that he was a sexist pig. He just looked at me like I was retarded, because he thought I said, “sexiest pig.” Really, he was the stupid one, but everyone at my table thought I was stupid because they didn’t know what a sexist pig was. I hated the sixth grade. None of my friends were in my class. Had to sit in front of mullet girl with smelly feet and behind popular pretty girl with titmoles on the back of her neck. Those things are disgusting. Oh, and I sat by the guy who wore entirely too much cologne. He was like, 14 and in the 6th grade.

Also in the 6th grade, Tyler told everyone I was gay because we were playing Truth or Dare on the bus, and they dared me to kiss David’s little sister on the cheek. Also, he told everyone that I liked Jonathan. Dumb ass, I didn’t like Jonathan until the 7th grade.

I also liked Chad. Chad was one of the boys that caused me to become anorexic-er.

He looks like a bat.

But my mom (who was a teacher at the same school) told the guidance counselor about the whole Tyler ordeal, which was a huge mistake. The principal called both of us into the office for a hugely overdone and embarrassing confrontation. It really was not necessary.

I had a huge crush on Jonathan all through middle school. When I started filling out in the 8th grade, (i.e., brushing my hair and wearing a push-up bra), he finally asked me out on a “date”.

Remember, a date back then was “I’ll get my mom to drop me off at the movies and you get your mom to do the same thing, and we’ll sit in the back row and awkwardly make out and nervously fondle each other over the clothes. Maybe I’ll touch your boob if I don’t throw up with nervousness.”

Anywho, he called me on Monday to ask me out for Friday. On Wednesday morning, I got braces. Wednesday night, he called me up to tell me that his mom wouldn’t let him go out on Friday. Or ever.

Did I mention I hated middle school?

Not to mention Emily and Brittany in the P.E. locker room. Seventh graders are supposed to wear granny panties and think blowjobs are gross. Anorexics are supposed to look at their half-naked bodies in the mirror, not because we’re “checking ourselves out,” but because we’re criticizing the imaginary circumfrence of our torso.

Also, here is a comic that thoroughly conveys my feelings on pubic hair. I was supposed to have blogged it the day after my pubic hair blog a couple months ago, but you know, stuff comes up.

So what did we do today? We talked about how much I hate things. We talked about how I’m impatient with classmates and how the ghosts of my middle school past explains why I have the complexes that I have today.

“Hey Brian, now that we’re in college, let’s leave a wacky answering machine message: ‘Hi, you’ve reached Stewie and Brian. Please leave your name, number, and a brief message and we’ll get back with you as soon as possible. Oh, and if this is mum, please send money, because we’re in college, and we need it to buy books and highlighters and ramen noodles and condoms for having sexual relations with our classmates.”
- Stewie.

Oh yeah, I also hate those guys who wear the Family Guy tee shirts. I love Family Guy, but I hate the guys who wear the tee shirts.

I bet someone wearing a Family Guy tee shirt is reading this right now. I’m going to get an angry email.

As I’m typing this, I have the voice of Stewie in my head speaking what I type. Stop. Damn you.

I bet you’re doing it now, aren’t you?

So in conclusion, you know why I don’t study in the library? Because it’s difficult for me to study when I’m wearing too many clothes. That puts me in a difficult predicament. Studying in my room, I have my bed as a distraction. Studying in the library, I have clothes as a distraction.

Idea. They should make a Naked Room in the library. Jade works there. I’ll run it by her.

This entry was posted on Thursday, April 5th, 2007 at 3:18 PM and is filed under Awkward Scenarios, Dating, School, Television. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.