Monday Bear

So I have this friend… Let’s call her Hairy. Hairy just did it (and I don’t mean poop) for the first time a bit over a month ago. Welp, the other day, she just called me to tell me that something went horribly awry. You know what I’m talking about. She told me to guess, so this is what I guessed:

• You’re pregnant. No.
• Paul broke up with you. No.
• You made an A in ______. No.
• You made an F in _______. No.

Liz: I give up.
Hairy: Come on Liz. It’s something you’ve done before.
Liz: Oh Hairy, you dirty girl! I can’t believe you! Oh you slut!Butt But it was an accident. That’s what makes it funny.

But before we move on, I thought there was something you all needed to see.

Money. Success. Fame. Glamour.

And this next snippet wasn’t written for yous guys. Sorry. (It’s 11:11. Make a wish). This was actually written for Holly in a facebook message, but I thought it would do well as a blog, as well. Just think of it as a regift.

So Matt said I need to hang out with my friends more/ make more friends/ pick up a hobby. He says I’m always bothering him when he’s “working” (aka, writing computer programs for fun, not getting paid for it, not working) Yeah, this hurt my feelings, but it’s kind of the truth. Men need their space, and I can’t just sit around the house like he does.

In our time apart, he has fun in a totally different way than I do. He spends it in his turtle shell, and I spend it out with all my other turtle friends. HOWEVER. MY turtle friends in the Nashville area all have boy turtles who -like- spending time with them.

Solution: I need turtles who don’t have boyfriends.
But how does one make friends?

It’s not like it was when we were 5 years old on the playground. Then, all you had to say was, “Let’s be friends” and you skipped hand-in-hand to the crackpipe ridden sandbox. Now, that like would get you labeled as a psycho.

When one sees someone who interests them, how does on approach them? What are you supposed to say? How does one make friends without sounding psycho or lesbian?

Almost as easy as the 5-year-old friend-making process is the flirting process. You know how I am. I’m not extra-hot or anything (just the normal level of hotness), but I can usually pick up just about any guy (except Steve) if I put my mind to it. I give him the look, the smile, and then the cute “Hey!” Badabing, badabang.

But you -don’t- do that with a girl unless you’re trying to get into her pants.

And you don’t do that with a boy who will be a friend.

Friendmaking is -not- a natural, organic process.

And just to even things out, here’s something I got from Lia. I’ve been receiving a few complaints since I’m not that much of a myspacer anymore. So here you go, whineasses.

Who Are You? Liz with a z.

What do most people call you?: Liz, Elizabeth, Wizzie, Lizard, or Baby. Depending on who you are. But usually Liz.

What does your family call you?: Wizzie, Wizz, Liz, Elizabeth, Erick.

Your significant other?: Yes, please. Or if that was asking what he calls me, it’s Liz, Wizz, Wizzie, Baby, Meatwad, Applecheeks, or Mommy. Just kidding about the last one.

How long have you been around?: 18 and a half years. When you say “and a half,” it means you’re not a grown up.

Where are you at this very moment?: Union City at my mom’s house in my bedroom.

What’s your most annoying trait?: I’m too loud and flailing at inopportune moments. I can never tell when it’s okay.

Tell me at least 5 good things about yourself:: I give a good blog, I’m a good girlfriend, I’m nice to everyone, I’m pretty when I have on mascara, I have a big bottom.

Any funky body modifications going on?: Yeah. I have my ears pierced. .

Give me a good book to read: When Boys Grow Up. My mom gave it to me. She had a bunch of them when she was a social worker.

Where’s the best place you’ve ever gone on vacation?: NYC. They have good sidewalks.

Any pets?: Pete the cat, Goten the retard cat (no, seriously, he’s retarded. The vet said so. And he likes to be spanked.), and HandBanana the iDog.

Are you a TV person?: Not really, but I like to kick back with a 40 and watch Dr. Phil.

When do you normally shower?: Sunday afternoons and some Fridays.

Where do you spend most of your time online?: mondaybear.com. Duh.

What’s your favorite song at the moment?: Parentheses by The Blow

What’s the best concert you’ve ever been to?: Weezer in St. Louis for the Make Believe Tour, or Weezer in Nashville for the Enlightenment tour, because Matt and I were both there, but we didn’t know each other. He was there with his girlfriend Mary, and I was there with my boyfriend Rivers.

Also, the Sufjan Stevens concert was good. And Broken Social Scene. And Architecture in Helsinki.

Or the Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

Can you name any constellations?: No, Can you name all the parts of the female reproductive system?

What’s your favorite thing to wear?: Underpants. Or my fancy red and white stripey dress with black high heels. Aye Chihuahua!

Who is the 4th incoming call on your phone?: Mum

What does your last text message SENT say?: I don’t send text messages. It costs money. I do receive them, but I don’t like it, because it costs money as well. But here’s the last one that was sent to me:
From: Erica (my room mate): Liz just so you wont get freaked out there is a big black man sleeping in my bed.

School. You in it? Done with it? Planning on it?: I’m a freshman at MTSU. I hate school, but I’m a nerd.

Close your eyes. What did you see?: That yellowish white blurry line. There’s a word for it. Matt sent me the article.

What is the closest thing to you that is orange?: My hair. (I was going to say my vag, but then I realized my hair was more appropriate, since my actual vag is pink.)

Movies. Which one is your favorite?: My Life Without Me

Tell me a word or phrase that has meaning to you but possibly no one else: It’s pretty lame if you have inside jokes with yourself. Geez. But here’s one for Alley Jo. “I feed them thrice a day. Sometimes twice!”
Here’s one for Holly: “My Pleasure.”

What is the last kind thing you’ve done?: I let my mom win at Uno because her boyfriend’s getting married. Big. Deal.

What’s the last thing you’ve spent money on? Cookie cutters and a Monday Bear ice cube tray. Everyone go to Hobby Lobby and get your Monday Bear ice cube trays! Seriously. They’re 1.47, and they’re plastic-y rubber-y.

What are you picked on about most?: My general dorkishness. Like using my blinker even when it isn’t necessary. Or not knowing how to wash dishes. Or my butt. Or my big hair. Or my tiny nipples, Alley Jo.

Is there one thing in life you absolutely hate?: ketchup. Or when my room mate leaves her vasaline out… ugh.

Do you fold or crunch your toilet paper?: School toilet paper crunches. But I wad/ roll mine into a flower shape. That way, I get more surface area, and I can refold multiple times for multiple wipes. Trust me. I’m an expert.

Would you rather be able to fly or be invisible for a day?: Fly. I’d hate to be invisible, because I wouldn’t get attention.

Who’s the last person who made you laugh?: This baby at church. He was afraid of Santa Claus and cried. It was cute.

Who knows the most about you?: Pretty much anyone who reads my blogs. That’s about all there is.

If you could be cuddled up with anyone right now, who would it be?: Dr. MacDougall

Who can make you smile without fail?: Matt and Holly
Who did you lose your virginity to? Do you regret it?: Sean. Sometimes I think it would have been cool to lose it to Matt, and vice versa (I mean Matt lose it to me, not Sean lose it to Matt, or Matt lose it to Sean), but had I not been a ho and lost it at the age of 15, I might not have been a ho enough to lose it to Matt. And then what would you guys have to read about?

Who was the last person you went to the movies with?: That was a very very long time ago. I do believe that was about a year ago with Steve, Holly, and Turtle Boy. It was -not- a date.

Who was the last person to tell you a secret?: mom

Who was the last person you fantasized about?: Dr. MacDougall.

Who is your hero?: Molly Ringwald

If you heard a knock on your door right now, who do you think it would be?: Santa Claus. But I’d tell him to go back, because he’s too early.

Who is the last person who saw you cry?: Matt. My cervix hurt.

Who is the last person who caused you to cry?: Dr. Castelli. He hurt my cervix.

Name the 3rd person you ever kissed: Krys. He’s gay now.

What are your plans for tomorrow?: See my dad. Or Holly. Or Alley Jo. Or Jade.

How about friday?: Same.

What’s your biggest fear?: getting fat after having kids.

What’s the most fun thing you’ve done this year?: Meeting Matt. That was the best weekend of my life.

What is the last fruit you ate?: Broccoli.

Do you have a job?: “Student”. I get paid in “knowledge”.

What’s the last gift you’ve received?: Some candy from Santa Claus at church, a vacuum cleaner for a Dirty Santa present, and some pencils and hair things from church ladies.

Describe your favorite place to be: In Matt’s bed, right after I’ve changed the sheets and washed the dinosaur blanket, when we’re both in our undies, with my head on his chest watching a movie or cartoons or something.

How do you feel about soulmates?: eh, mine’s okay.

How much money is in your wallet?: I’m not sure. Whatever I made from selling my books, minus stuff, plus a debit card.

Where is the last place you drove to?: Union City from Nashville. 160 miles.

How old do you think you’ll live to be?: 72. No, probably longer. 90ish. But I don’t want to outlive Matt by too long. I’d rather me die, and then him die shortly thereafter.

So in conclusion, “speckle” is now one of my favourite words. It can mean:

• Freckles.
• Any type of other skin blemish.
• Loose granules.

This entry was posted on Thursday, December 21st, 2006 at 1:16 AM and is filed under Awkward Scenarios, Babies, Breasts, Family, Game, Music. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.