Monday Bear

So one of my friends, who just happened to be a lady of colour, told me why alot of black girls don’t like me. It’s because black guys like me. Black guys like me because:

a.) I have red hair, and
b.) I’m shaped like a skinny black girl.

She says they don’t like me because we’re stealing their men and whatnot. That’s kind of a gay reason not to like someone, but I suppose it’s kind of like how it kind of bothers me when Matt says things about other girls, unless the other girl is my friend.

Kind of.

But when he says something like, “She’s cute” or “I like her outfit” or something like that, I have to know why. The reason I have to know why is because I try to do everything I possibly can to make him happy. Is she pretty because she has blonde hair? Okay, I’ll dye my hair blonde. Do you like her outfit because of the skirt? Okay, I’ll wear a skirt every fucking day for the rest of my life.

But black girls can’t dye their hair red or make their skin lighter or change their bone structure. I guess that’s why they don’t like me.

So while we’re on the subject, I’ve always gotten attention from black guys, because I have an ass. It’s never bothered me. I’ve always liked it, actually, because it’s attention. That made me sound like a whore.

As a sidenote, today I stopped pretending to be offended by cat calls.

So a few weeks ago, I’m walking to my math class eating a snickers bar, and a group of black guys waiting at the bus stop start yelling to get my attention.

BG: Hey! Hey! Do you like chocolate?
Liz: Yeah! I love chocolate!
BG: Awwww boiiiiiiiii, etc.
Liz: (O.M.G. I’m retarded.)

And I walk off.

So I used to have a big crush on Gideon Yago. Remember? The guy from MTV News? “I’m so cute and indie. Make me your number 1 news source!”

People Liz used to (and still may) have a crush on:

• Her pediatrician
• Rivers Cuomo
• Benji Madden (who didn’t?)
• Jade’s boyfriend Ben (before they dated)
• Zach Swett (or as we used to say, Zach MakesmeSwett) (In kindergarten)
• Leonardo DiCaprio
• Hugh Grant
• My brother’s friend Josh

Benji was actually fat, if you guys don’t recall, and my mom informed me of this. My reply:

“I know he’s fat, but it’s hot fat!”

So I tried to poop about an hour ago, but I couldn’t. Then I sit down to blog, and poop. What’s the deal.

So for unspoken reasons, my vibrator was in my purse the other day. Now, when I have to carry my vibrator in my purse, I usually take the batteries out, but I suppose I forgot this time. So we’re taking a quiz, and I hear a quiet, steady buzz coming from my purse.

So I open the purse, and turn the vibrator off.

Which is ironic, because it’s usually turning me on!

One time that happened in the library in high school.

So I had this dream. Mom, Matt, Erick, and I were in this scary-themed aquarium in downtown Nashville, called Toot’s Aquarium. (Not a real place, btw). Oh yeah, and they didn’t have any fish. And they only had two real animals, a bobcat and an anaconda. And the anaconda and bobcat, the only two animals, were the only ones not caged. They chased you, and I thought the bobcat was cute. He ate people’s ankles. And the snake pissed all over the stairs. Anywho, I told some robotic lemurs where I was going next, so they came to life and told me that they would meet me there.

Matt: What did you just do…?
Liz: I was just talking to them…
Matt: …Leave… Just run… GO!

So I run outside around the block and wind up in the gift shop of Toot’s restaurant (real place, but not downtown), where I see my mom talking to my RA, Nicole. Apparently, they had taught together with a common student teacher who lived in my dorm, who also happened to be Condoleezza Rice.

Nicole: Condi’s been acting really weird lately.
Mom: Yeah, she’s always been a little kooky, but lately she’s just been nuts.
Nicole: I don’t know what her deal is.
Mom: She was in my class the other day, and she was acting really weird. She said she had a headache, but I thought she was on drugs.

Welp, I felt sorry for good old Condi, so I took a trek to her dorm room to see what the deal is. I knock on the door.

Liz: Hey Condi, how’s it going?
Condi: Not too well, Liz.
Liz: What’s wrong?
Condi: Well, everyone thinks I’m crazy.
Liz: Why?
Condi: Welp, first I thought I had sickle cell, but that wasn’t it. Then I thought I had regular old anemia, but that wasn’t it.
Liz: Well, what was it?
Condi: I have AIDS. *she rests her head on my shoulder, sobbing* I don’t know how this happened! I’ve never made love to a black man! *she cries some more* But Liz! I don’t want to live with a black person!

Apparently, all the people in my dorm with AIDS had to room together, and only black people could get AIDS.

This is a black blog. Bsquared.

The reason I dreamt the AIDS thing was because Erika and I had been talking about how so many black women are getting AIDS because so many black men were on the downlow.

I went to blog again in the library, and I took quite the poop. Every time I go to the library, I poop. Everytime I blog, I poop.

Now I know what to do if I get constipated.
Holly: Hold that thought, Steve. You want to know something funny? Steve won’t go number two anywhere on campus but the library.
Liz: Really? Matt always poops in the art building!
Holly: Well, I guess we just go where we’re most comfortable.

And you know what? I poop often in the Honor’s Building!

So a few days ago, I had a biology test. On days that I have tests, I show boobs. I mean cleavage. It pumps up my grade. It also makes Matthew want to have sex with me. So I like showing boobs.

Liz: Look at my boobs.
Matt: I have to.

See?

Also, punch. Raise your hand if you drink punch at parties and baby showers.

About 80% of you raised your hand.

Now, how many of you actually like punch?

About 40%. I’m guilty of it. I go to a baby shower and I drink the punch. Usually, I don’t like it. But I always drink it. It’s special, and everyone knows how I like special things.

So in conclusion, remember when I got that postcard from Wing Zone?

Well, I have a confession to make: I didn’t really get that postcard. I just found it on the ground in front of the computer lab. That’s all.

This entry was posted on Friday, December 8th, 2006 at 1:39 PM and is filed under Awkward Scenarios, Breasts, Dating, Dreams, Food, Pooping. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.