Monday Bear

So I had this dream a long time ago, probably the day after I last blogged. I’ve had many a lesbonic dream in my day, but this one wasn’t even sexual. This woman asked me to marry her. She wasn’t an ugly dyke or anything, but just very lesbonic. Kind of like me a year ago. Except I didn’t like girls. And I still don’t.
But at any rate, this chick proposed to me, and of course I said no, because:

• It was a sapphire ring, not a diamond ring.
• The gold in it wasn’t even real.

My declination had nothing to do with her being a woman.

The next day I told Kaitlyn about it in the bathroom. We always have parties in the bathroom. Part(l)y because she’s always brushing her teeth with those brushes that look like test tube cleaners, and partly because I’m always pooping releiving myself.
I just saw her in that cage in the art building. It was snacktime.

Most of the time, other people’s dreams aren’t interesting. Mine are. And Holly’s are, too. But you get all excited to tell someone about this crazy dream you had, and when it comes out, you realize that it’s not funny, and that you really do suck in real life.

Speaking of which, (dreaming, not sucking) Holly had this dream that she was preggers. She went to the doctor.
Holly: I haven’t been feeling too well lately.
Doctor: That’s because you’re pregnant! You need to go home as soon as possible and talk to your mom!
So she goes home and talks to her mom about it.
Holly: What should I do?
Mom: Get rid of it! We can’t have no more babies.
So Holly goes to the abortion clinic and says, “I need to have an abortion, because mom said we can’t have no more babies.”
So they take her back and they x-ray the baby, and the nurses say, “No! You can’t have an abortion, because this will be the most beautiful baby in the world!”
Then Holly says, “How do you know?”
Then (I shit you not) the tooth fairy comes in and makes the baby’s face appear, Holly agrees that it is the most beautiful baby in the world, and she decides not to abort the child.

The end.

The part where she walks into the abortion clinic reminds me of a salon:
“I need a haircut.”
“I need an abortion.”

Same difference.

She had this other dream about a year ago where Steve forgot to take his birth control and got pregant. Then they went to the hospital and had the baby, and what came out was my head on a baby’s body. Liz baby.

She dreamt that dream because Steve’s my daddy.

I’ve noticed that when someone holds a door open for someone else, it’s customary for the holdee to touch the door. Check it out and you’ll see what I mean.

An anorexic is kind of like a heroin addict. They know they’re afflicted, and everyone else knows, but they don’t want other people to know that they know.

But anorexia doesn’t give you ugly track marks.

So Matthew. We driving back from my house the other day, and a funny occurance occured. We’re about 10 miles from the interstate, and he annouces:

Matt: I have to pee.
Liz: Okay, there’s a gas station right up here before you get on I-40.
Matt: No, I’ll just pee in this Gatorade bottle.
Liz: No, really, it’s not a big deal. I can just pull over at this gas station and…
Matt: No! I’ll pee in the bottle!
Liz: You just want to pee in the bottle, don’t you?
Matt: …

So you know how guys sometimes get chubs for no reason? Not a full- on boner, just a chub. Well, this happened to Matt, and he couldn’t get it out of his undawears, so he just pulled his pants down. As his ass and peepee were totally visible, two semi trucks passed by.

Matt: You’re supposed to protect me!
Liz: roffle.

So then he gets the Gatorade bottle, opens it up, and his penis won’t fit in it. Matthew’s penis was too big to fit into a Gatorade bottle…

Really.

Terri: So what happened to you saying, “I’ve got my own computer now, so I’m going to blog all the time”?
Liz: Well, I would blog all the time if I had an internet!
Colleen: An internet? “Man, I gotta get me onna them internets…”

But reallies, I have a computer, I just need one of those internet cables so I can interweb in my room.

Holly: Steve’s birthday is coming up, and I don’t know what to get him.
Liz: Get him a DVD.
Holly: …
Alley Jo gave me permission to blog something, but I don’t remember what it was. But I do remember when she gave me permission to not blog something.
We were in Wal*Mart, and she was going to take a poop.

Alley: Wait here, I’m going to take a poop.
Liz: Okay…
Alley: You do -not- have permission to blog about me pooping in Wal*Mart!
Liz: What if I say, “So my friend Tally Ho…”

But she didn’t poop in Wal*Mart, so I think it’s fair game to blog about it, seeing as my Mondaybear.com disclaimer mentions fabrication.

So the upstairs couch is now in Matt’s bedroom. That means he can never say, “No, there are too many people upstairs and they’ll hear us.” The couch doesn’t make noise. So the night that we moved it downstairs, before we go to bed, I’m getting all the clothes and whatnot off of the couch:

Matt: What are you doing?
Liz: I want to do it on the couch.
Matt: Well aren’t you kinky?

I mean for reals, couch sex is enough to make Peter North blush.

Most of you know that when I think of something to blog, but I don’t have time to blog, I make a blognote of it. Welp,

holly, little bit, wedding

I don’t know what the fuck that means.

But Steve did show off his great horsemanship skills to Holly when he proposed to her on the horse and carriage ride.

*hurtyvagface*

Sure, I may look good in jeans, but you wouldn’t think so had you ever seen me naked or in a leotard.
Welp, most of the people who see me naked love me very much (Matt), so they don’t count. If a stranger or enemy saw me naked, they wouldn’t like it. They’d say, “Put on some jeans!” Then, after I put on jeans, they’d jack off. Because I look hot in jeans. Or at least the people who love me think so.

I have a strange sense of self- esteem

Colleen wrote me a note that I found in my Biology book, but I forgot what it says. I took a picture of it, but I haven’t uploaded them yet. So you’ll have to wait until next blog.
So here is a list of some of my favourite television shows:

• Pants Off Dance Off
• I Love Lucy.
• Aquateen Hunger Force.
• The Simpsons
• King of the Hill
• But most of all, PODO.

So in conclusion, if you really liked me, you would be on Pants Off Dance Off for my viewing pleasure.

Now I’m going to take a library poop.

This entry was posted on Thursday, November 16th, 2006 at 2:38 PM and is filed under Babies, Dreams, Nasty, Philosophy, Pooping, Secks, Television. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.