So I’m not going to say that this blog won’t be funny per se, but I’m just going to say that there won’t be any jokes. I’m going to let you all in on how Liz really thinks. I’m taking you through my thought processes (or lack thereof). I think you all have some of the same thoughts, whether you want to admit it or not, whether we even know it. It just goes to show that we’re all human. Enjoys.
Body Image
… I saw this girl, a friend of mine, and she was wearing tight jeans and a fitted t-shirt, which was a bit short. She has an okay body. Then she put on a belt. She tightened it as tight as it would go, forcing the extra skin and fat out the top, like a muffin. I didn’t like her for a little bit.
I never allow myself to have muffin top. When I see a girl who has muffin top, I think,”I am better than her.” The same thing when I see someone who is generally fat, or unattractive in any way.
Not that I think I’m Miss America or anything. I’m definitely not satisfied with myself. I wish I was small. Petite. Little. Like that one girl in the teal top. She looked really cute in it. I wouldn’t look cute in it, because I’m too big. Not fat, just big. She was little all over. Even her hair was little. I used to have cute little hair, but then Matt made me grow it out. It’s not long yet, but he doesn’t understand that it takes a long time to go from dyke to long flowing locks. He says I can get it cut now, but I don’t know if he would really like it, or if he’s just tired of waiting for long hair…
Beauty
I don’t really think anything is wrong with my face, I just wish it was smaller. And I wish I didn’t have those wrinkles under my eyes. And I wish I didn’t break out right before my period.
But like I said, I’m prettier and/ or thinner than a lot of people. I was one of the hottest chicks at the show last night, or at least I thought so. The two girls in front of me in the hippie garb were cute…
Sometimes I pretend that I’m so beautiful that I could make men fall in love with me just by smiling at them. I do that alot, actually. I look at men, not necessarily because I think they’re attractive, but just because I want the attention, the unspoken compliment, the “Wow, she’s beautiful” even if he really doesn’t think anything about it, even if he actually thinks my cheeks are too fat or my butt’s to big or my hair is too orange, I pretend that everyone thinks I’m beautiful and everyone is looking at me when I walk into a room. Even the girls…
Sex
…I talk about sex alot. I’m sure most people think that sex is superficial, or at least that I hold sex as a superficial act, just a fun time, getting naked and getting off, but it’s not like that at all.
I bet one night stand sex sucks. That’s because sex isn’t good unless love exists first. Matt and I have amazing sex because we love each other. I love sex with him so much because it is the deepest connection (physically and emotionally) that two people can share. It’s a beautiful gift from God, and it shouldn’t be wasted on people who don’t love each other.
Not to say that sex isn’t fun. You can have kinky, raunchy sex and express your love for each other, too. Whatever floats your boat, dude…
Music
…I like my music. I don’t like it when people say, “I like all kinds of music.” That’s a total lie. Nobody likes every type of music. Sure, they might like country, rap, and rock, but what about polka? Jazz? Gospel? West African? Barbershop? I doubt you like all that.
I like driving when I have people with me, not only because I can pick the music, but also because I get to show off how my music is hipper then theirs. I get off on people saying, “Who the hell is that? I’ve never heard of them.” Score.
About a month ago, I had a few people in my car, and I let this dude pick the music, and you know what he picked? Death Cab For Cutie. I usually try and pick something impressive. Something not everyone knows. If I don’t know anyone on someone’s playlist, or everyone else is really popular, I pick someone I’ve never heard of and pretend I know them…
Matthew
…Yeah, I do love him alot. Much of the time, he makes me feel like shit, but he usually always makes me feel better. Actually, over the past few days, he’s been really sweet. I love it when he does that. I’m just really used to shitty boyfriends, and I feel like he’s a good boyfriend, and good boyfriends are never mean to their boyfriends. I guess everyone can be an asshole sometimes. I’m used to asking my boyfriend permission for everything, and I think it gets on Matt’s nerves when I do that, but the truth is, I love him so much, that literally everything I do is for his benefit, to make him happy. I would never want to do anything that would make him unhappy, and if he even does so little as to hint that he wants something, I do everything in my power (sometimes more) to make it happen for him. I think I’m a good girlfriend…
See, just now he was kissing my fingers. He’s just that… nice : )…
Family
I’m not crazy about my family. I mean, they’re okay, but I get really sad when I think about other people’s families. They all love each other. I didn’t really have much of a family before my parents divorced, but after that, everything that I knew and was comfortable with, my family as I knew it, was destroyed. Now I’m torn between my parents, and it just shouldn’t be like that.
I used to be really really close to my daddy. When we would go out and buy supplies for his carpentry projects, he would tell people that I was the boss, and I felt so important. He was such a good daddy. Now, it seems like he wants to be a good daddy, but he doesn’t know how to. He knows how to be a good daddy to a little girl, but not to a woman. Now that I’m not wearing a tutu and fairy wings with ravioli stains on them, he doesn’t know how to act. That’s really understandable, though. I miss him so much.
I was telling Matthew about it the other night, and I wanted to cry. I wish I had my old daddy back.
Competition
I implied earlier that whenever I walk into a new environment, I immediately compare myself to all the other girls there. If I’m not the prettiest girl there, I freak out, unless the other pretty girls are my friends. I’m the prettiest girl in all my classes except math, but that’s okay, because I’m friends with the other pretty girls in there. I think our teacher wants us, too. It’s quite obvious.
When Matt and I went to see Sufjan Stevens, I became very very very upset. There were many girls there who were prettier than me. Matt thought so, too. He wouldn’t even put his arm around me, which upset me even more.
I try to be the smartest person in all my classes as well. I answer alot of questions, and I get off on people telling me how smart they think I am.
My mom thinks I’m alot smarter than I really am.
When I was like, 9 years old, I cried and cried and cried because I really thought I was retarded. Seriously. My brother always told me I was. I don’t know what triggered it, but I began to think about that and started crying. Then I couldn’t stop. The fact that I couldn’t control my emotions and, at the age of 9, practically a grown-up, just confirmed that.
There’s this girl who is in my bellydancing class, and I get really upset because she’s better than me. I would just not like her, but she always compliments me on my dancing. She’s so nice to me. Then I feel bad for wanting to not like her.
So in conclusion, there I am. This was probably the least funny blog I’ve ever written, but I promise the next one will be funny. And soon. Word.
Liz, it’s Zeph. Axaxax is a font name which might possibly be the name of a musical project between me and Cody. Cody and I. Whatever.
I just wanted to say how much I like you as a friend. I would let you pee in my mouth -anytime-.
(anyone not Liz: it’s an inside joke… don’t be grossed out.)
Liz, if there is something you and I have not done a lot of it is have serious conversations. So I am quite enlightened and a bit happy to see that you wrote something real. I believe in real. The funny is something [I do] that everyone can deal with, but it is not real. No matter how good a person is at it.
And you know what…
Whenever -I- am somewhere, the first thing I do is find the pretty people, compare them to me, assure myself I am better, and then befriend the group of mediocre kids. You see, I always believed that was where I belonged growing up because I was poor. Now I do it because I know the pretty people will come to me and that will cause the unassured to mingle with the self-assured. Sounds noble, right? I do it because it shows me that, in fact, everyone adores me. Sad, right?
If there is one thing, however, that you needn’t worry about is having to pretend that just smiling at a man could make him fall in love with you. How do you think that you and I became friends, etc… ? I promise you it was not your ass, as much as we could pretend as such. It definately was your smile…
One night stands blow. End of story.
Sex without emotion is Davo without the Emo. Or something.
…
Daddy’s girls need their daddy’s.
Momma’s boys need their momma’s.
If only I could have someone call you while you were crying alone in your dorm one scared night to tell you everything was going to be okay.
Because I still have not come up with a proper way to show you how much I appreciated that phone call from your mom. Thinking about it now still tears me up quite a bit.
And, I am not trying to disagree with you here…
But I have not found music that I do not like. I literally have liked something from every genre of music I have listened to. From the most annoying, mindless pop to the most obscure ‘noise’ that barely classifies as music. There are bands / musicians, though. But even then, I just prefer not to listen to them on a regular basis… its not that I dislike them.
However… I can pick apart anything and tell you why it is bad if I care to do so. Hahah.
I do not know Matthew, but for as long as I am only knowing you via weblogs and he is included happily… I will always be happy that he is there. I would shake his hand and thank him for making you happy if I could. So Matthew, keep up the good work. And the deep dickin’s. Bahahaha.
Family.
I have never really had ‘family’ in the sense of feeling loved amongst your kin. Recently I’ve come into a bit more intimate feelings for my family, but still am distant and lacking in that area. So not knowing what its like to have it, I can only hope that you discover what you need to remedy this situation.
I’ll be your family if you need.
And as far as competition goes, I know I am always potentially the best at anything. So I never worry if someone is better than me. I just make sure that I surpass them in a timely manner. Hehe.
I think you should right like this more often.
And I miss your presence, even if it was just a few blips of text in an MSN window here and there.
Your hair will never be too orange.
Because you can never be too beautiful.
…
David is the nicest person ever. I love you, David. I love you, too, Liz.