Monday Bear

So I realize it’s been a while, but damn you, I’m a college woman now, and I’ve got shit to dos.

See, you can tell I’m in college, because I used “damn” and “shit” in the same sentence.� And I just fucking did it again.

Oops, I did it again.

So of course, I’m sure you’re all dying to know how my pooping schedule is since I’ve moved to a dorm.� Welp, as opposed to the usual 3 a day, I’m down to two.� That has something to do with:

1. The horrible toilet paper.
2. The fact that no bathroom is a private bathroom.
3. I’m not eating as much as I usually do, because I don’t want to gain the Freshmen 15.�

But I did buy my own toilet paper, just for such occasions.� I’m a delicate flower.

So far, I’ve lost a pound.� That’s what the vagina midwife told me today when I went for my pap smear.� She was funny.� She knew I’m going to be an OB/Gyn, so we shared vag humour as the speculum was in my vagina:

Midwife:� Now I know your cervix is in here somewhere…
Liz:� It’s tilted.
MW:� Ooooh, I see.� Down and to the left.�
Liz:� Yeah.� There it is.� I definitely feel that.
MW:� Once I moved this speculum down, your cervix kind of popped out into my view.
Liz:� Yeah, sorry.� I can’t really help it.
MW:� I’ve never seen anything like this.�
Liz:� Welp, that’s me and my crazy cervix for you.�

Also, while my legs were in the stirrups, we were talking abouit vaginal piercings (or as Matt says, “pie-rcings”) and after about a minute of this discussion:
“Well, I guess I’ll cover your vagina up while I’m not using it.� Sorry.”
- Midwife.

Here are a list of my new friends (don’t worry, I haven’t forgotten my old ones, even though Holly Podunk hasn’t any time for mes):

• Alyssa:� Recording Industry Major (RIM).� She loves her boyfriend.� She’s skinny.� We have many things in common.
• Erica:� RIM.� She’s my roommate.� She’s black.� She really isn’t much like me at all, but we laugh at each other.� And she taught me how to act in her church.� You have to be loud.� I’m good at that.�
• Keri:� RIM.� A Leo.� Kind of a tom boy, and she hates her boyfriend.� She was the first one to see my boobs.
• Mary:� English Major.� She’s crazy, little, and loud.� She reminds me of a mouse.� Her full name is Mary Harper, but I call her Sister Mary Harper.� Or sometimes Sister Mary Herpes.� She went to school at McGavok.�
• Morgan:� EntreprenuerSHIT Major.� She looks like Neve Campbell and is quite possibly one of the coolest people I know.� She’s very chill like Matthew, but she can really have fun and go kahrayzee like me.�

We all watched When A Stranger Calls.� I knew it was a gay movie.� I just wanted to see for myself.� In the beginning scene, there was a sign that said, “Jesus Saves.”

“Why Jesus always gotta be scary?!”
- Erica.� We slept with the lava lamp on that night.

Also, you know there’s always ominous music in every “scary” movie.� This movie wouldn’t have even been suspenseful had the music not been present, and�I explained this to Erica:

“I hate music!”

Note she’s an RIM.�

That’s like me saying, “I hate vaginas!”

Speaking of which, my chemistry teacher– I love him.� He’s awesome.� I�was afraid that I wouldn’t because I heard read bad things about him on mtsureview.com.� But this is why I love him so.� He looks -incredibly- like a younger Favee.�

I’ll have photos at a later date.� Not now, though,�because my wonderful wonderful boyfriend who is giving me his old computer hasn’t had it fixed yet.� Hence my lack o’ blog.

You know how they tell you that if you see a bear in the wild, you should freeze?�
That’s like saying if you wake up with a scorpion on your face, you should try to fuck it.

So yeah, college is fun.� I just don’t like sleeping in a dorm, because I can’t fucking sleep.� I have 8AM classes every day (except tomorrow), and I think I’m the only one on my floor who does so, because everyone else is having a�scream-as-loud-as-you-can-and-play-piano-in-the-hallway party.� And the Recording Industry boys live right above me.� They’re a wild and crazy bunch.� Especially in the sack.� I should know.� From experience.� If ya *snap* catch my *snap* drift *thrust*.� Meaning I slept with them.� Every single one of them.� If ya know what I mean.� You know, we did it.

Just kidding.� But they all do live right above me, and the play pool right above your head.�

There’s this creepy guy right next to me.� If you don’t hear from me in a week, you’ll know what happened.� My throat was slit with a swiss army knife while I was blogging for you bitches.

I’m really tired though.� I’m sorry that this blog sucks.� It’s nothing personal, I’m just too busy for you.

Oh yeah.� I got naked tonight.� We were playing StripPadoodle in Morgan’s car (it was just 4 of us ladies), and I was just wearing a tank top and a skirt.� No bra, no undies.� Welp, I lost.� Twice.� So I was naked after a matter of 1 and a half minutes.� I stayed that way until we got to Destination: Taco Bell.� I was in the back seat with a foot on each front seat.� Don’t worry, it was dark.

I got a voicemail on my phone:�

“I’ve got your toast.� If you don’t call me back, I’m going to butter it, eat it, and put it in the toaster.� Even though it’s already toast.”

- Alley.

I always butter my toast before I toast it.� And while we’re at it, I always eat it and poop it out before I put it in the toaster, as well.
But I don’t eat it before buttering it.� That’s just nasty.

So in conclusion, never call a stranger for prank phone sex unless you know you have the right number.� Or at least ask his name before asking what he’s wearing.� That’s all, collegues.

This entry was posted on Friday, September 1st, 2006 at 1:37 AM and is filed under Awkward Scenarios, Nasty, Party over here, Pooping, School. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.