Monday Bear

So after discovering that I’m a bird, lion, bunny, and a Canadian, I’ve decided to grow a fur coat. Actually, I just haven’t shaved my legs in two weeks. I’ll do it tomorrow. Maybe.

Speaking of fur coat, mom and I went shopping for things for my dorm room last night. We had about 5 different rugs on the floor of Target, stepping on them barefoot to see how each of them felt. There was this one that was really really furry, like a bear rug.
Liz: I don’t like this one. It feels creepy.
Mom: Yeah, it’s like walking on Matt’s back.

: ( Now that’s hitting below the belt. So I smacked her with my bag. You know how on myspace blogs, you can give people two, one, or no kudos? Many people think that no kudos is the ultimate slap, but I believe that one kudos would be more offensive. Think about it: Many people forget to give kudos, or they just don’t give kudos. Welp, if someone gives you no kudos, you can think, “oh, they just forgot.” Kind of like a waitress not getting a tip. But if you get one kudos, you’re like, “oh, snap, they only gave my one. they think i suck.”

Ouch, burrrrrn.

That’s approximately the equivilant of a waitress getting a ten cent tip.

Liz: Can you picture Matt saying _____?
Alley: The only things I can picture Matt saying are, “sushi” and “mondaybear.com”.
I went to the nursing home today to see all my old lady friends before I left/ they died. They always usually make me so happy : )
Michele called me last night! I just love her : ) Now she -always- makes me happy. She brought me some goodies for graduation/ birthday/ going to school/ being a grood little sister:

• A big black bag with studs and things. It reminds me of her. It’s something Micheley.
• An ironing board.
• Fancy notecards with pinup girls on them.
• An orange polka dotty (ha, dotty) robe.
• Legwarmers, because she’s a real live ballerina.

Funny story about that robe: I was at her old house when she was moving, and I saw it in a box and thought it was just cute. She says to me, “You know what, Liz? I bet I can wash that up and give that to you for a graduation present.” Then we saw a dark red stain on it– “Oh my gosh, what is that? You don’t think it’s period, do you?” Michele exclaims as she sniffs it.

We later concluded that it was indeed hairdye, not menstrual fluid.

…Not that Michele dyes her hair…
So I had the weirdest freaking dream. s. :

You know the Icelandic guy on Rockstar Supernova? Well, I don’t watch the show much (just when I’m with Matt, because you people watch alot of TV), so I didn’t know the guy’s name, but in my dream, his name was Malki.

See, just “mildly hot” as Zephyr would say. Nothing spectacular about him, and he’s certainly no Matthew.

So in this dream, Matthew and I are eating lunch at school when Malki walks in. All the girls start freaking out, “OMG, it’s Malki, he’s so hawt!” But I don’t really say much, because I’m busy eating with my lovah. Welp, it’s time for me to go to Chem class, so I leave.
I get to class, and Malki is my teacher. We start talking, we hit it off really well, and we become really good friends, hanging out every day and such. Welp, Matthew didn’t like the idea of us hanging out, but he never expressed his dismay on the subject. Malki would give me lots of compliments and such, but I never suspected he was looking for something more than friendship. He was married, after all, and he knew for a fact that I was very serious with Matthew.
So Matt and I spend the night at my mom’s house, Matt sleeping in my bed, me sleeping with my mom. I come into my bedroom in the morning to see Matthew, and I notice that we’re both wearing Spiderman pajamas– his are footies, mine is one of those fleece nightgowns with the cartoon characters on them that we all had when we were little girls. I give Matt a hug and a kiss only to realize that he has his penis sticking out of his jammies. This was weird, but I wasn’t about to complain. Then he yelled to my mom, “We’re going to get some bagels. We’ll be back.” (Which is odd, because he doesn’t eat bagels) He winks at me and says, “Let’s get out of here so we can get some spider-on-spider action.”
We walk out the front door only to find Malki standing in my front yard, PISSED OFF because he and I were supposed to hang out today. He doesn’t say anything. He just summons this huge fucking whale to come land on my car.
However, the whale doesn’t do any damage, so Matt and I drive to the bagel shop, get bagels, and have hot sex in the bathroom.
Then Malki and I are hanging out on this roof. He starts putting the moves on me, nuzzling me and all, and I tell him, “Malki! You’re married!”
He says, “Yeah, well, I don’t really like my wife that much anyway. And besides, you’re legal now. I’ve been waiting for this for a long time. This is the whole reason I came to America.”
But then I tell him, “Well I’m flattered, Malki, but we can’t do this. I love Matthew.”
Then I’m swimming in the ocean (which is odd, because I can’t swim) with about 9 of my girl friends, and we’re all talking about my situation with Matthew and Malki. Some of them are saying, “You should still be friends with Malki. He’s just a guy, and they always think about sex. You’ve gotta forgive him.” Others say, “You should never see Malki again. It could harm your relationship with Matt, let alone the entire country of Iceland.” One or two tell me, “Dump Matt and go out with Malki. I mean, he is going to be the frontman of supergroup Supernova. Matt’s really hot and all, but looks don’t last forever.”
Then that whale shows up.
I say, “Okay okay okay. If this whale does a backflip over me, lands a foot above the water, hovers there for a bit, and then I swim under it, I’ll still be friends with Malki.”
Suddenly, the whale does a backflip over me, lands a foot above the water, hovers there for a bit, and I just kind of float under it.

Then I woke up.

…

What I learned from this dream:

• Spiderman pajamas will make Matt want to have sex with me.
• You never know who you will meet at school.
• If I have sex with my Chemistry professor (Dr. Preston Macdougall), I will make the best grade in the class.
• Whales are inflatable.
• Bagels are just as good as sex.
• The Icelandic people don’t value marriage.
• If a singing sensation from Reykjavic asks me to hang out with him on top of his roof, JUST SAY NO.

And then I later find out that this guy’s name is really Magni. I was creepily close.

That reminds me of Matthew for undisclosed reasons. I think it’s very cute.

So the dream I had the night before last:

I was a camp counselor, and some people were telling a scary camptime story about an earthquake or some sort of natural disaster. Welp, it came true, so we all had to get a bag, fill it with juiceboxes, and head for this valley type thing. Once we were all in the valley, it started filling up with water, so we had to drop our bags and evacuate.
Once we were evacuated, I realized that juiceboxes weren’t the only things in that bag. Indeed, it was the pink and green striped bag in which I keep all of my… personal belongings… and I had left it in the lake/ valley. I knew I had to get back there before anyone else saw them.
When I got there, there were about 4 other counselors going through things that had been lost. There were several that I had in this dream, but I really don’t have in real life. I gathered up most of my belongings, except for this huge pink twisty curly thing that you’re somehow supposed to put up your ass. The counselors were looking at it and laughing. Of course I didn’t claim it, because I didn’t want them to think I was a freak or anything. All I could think was, “Matt is going to be so mad at me.”

And just for the record, no, I don’t own a huge pink ass vibe.

Things I learned from this dream:

• Never bring my personal belongings to camp.
• In case of an emergency, vibrators cannot be used as a flotation device.
• Always bring more juice boxes than you think you’ll need.
• Never ever EVER buy a huge pink curly twisty ass dildo. Ever.

So I was in quite a pickle today. My toilet is a bit crazy, and so sometimes it refuses to flush. I don’t know how to fix it, but mom does. Welp, Dad and I ate at Buckets today, and their food affects pretty much everyone I know. The toilet hadn’t been flushing all day; I had pooped once and peed thrice, so the potty was full of waste and toilet paper. Around 1:45, I -really- had to poop. -Really- badly. Welp, I didn’t want to poop in that potty, because I was afraid that once we got it to flush, it would clog.
I took the back of the toilet off, played with chains and bobbers and all sorts of things, and nothing happened.
I called just about everyone I know in Union City, and nobody was home. I must have left about 20 messages that said, “I’ve really got to poop, and I need to use your toilet. This is not a joke. Call me back.” Nobody called me back.

I had to wait almost TWO HOURS for mom to come home from work to fix the potty so I could poop.

And let me tell you, that was one of the best and worst poops I’ve ever had.

So in conclusion, this is my last day in Union City ever. EVER. Au revoir.

This entry was posted on Friday, August 25th, 2006 at 9:52 PM and is filed under Awkward Scenarios, Dreams, Nasty, Pooping, Secks, Television. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.