So I’m babysitting right now. Four of them. My usual three, plus a 5 year old smartass. I finally got them to lie down. I put on Harry Potter and put two of them in time out. It’s been a really rough day for all of us, obviously.
I hate it when people say “needless to say”. If it’s needless to say, then why say it?
People always said “needless to say” in those Most Embarrassing Moments things in Seventeen Magazine. Remember?
I also hate it when people say “I could care less.” It really should be “I couldn’t care less.” Because if you could care less, then you actually do care a little bit.
Really, I just wish that people would think about what their expressions mean before speaking them.
I’ve looked like shit every day since Matthew’s visited. Literal shit.
Just kidding. But I have looked really bad. Bad hair, bad skin, bad clothes, etc etc etc. Just bad. I’m going to try to look okay tomorrow, because it’s my birthday, and I’m going to see Mattchew.
He just got his wisdom teefs taken out. I’m going to help take care of them. Him. And then when he’s all better, he’s taking me to fancy dinner and my Liz’s Birthday Extravaganza suprise.
And due to the wisdom teef removal keeping Matt out of workin’ order, the Brazillian wax has been postponed until further notice.
Oh, and my poop is back to normal.
Alley: They taste like Chips Ahoy.
Liz: More like Ass Ahoy.
So Lia made what I like to call a Lust List. Here’s mine:
Lia of Omaha
Ghostface Killa. He’s sooo dreamy.
Just kidding. Matthew Callis, of Matt and Liz.
Message boards are places where geeks go to out geek each other by seeing who can be the biggest asshole by poking (ass) holes in each other’s theories.
When I was in Mississippi, I went to see Elvis’s birthplace. And giftshop. My grandmother stayed in the giftshop for at least 40 minutes, calling me over every 3 minutes to show me her price shock. “Ten dollars for a coffee mug? I got mine at a yard sell for a nickle!”
Oh, Gramma.
For those of you who don’t know, I’m studying to be an Ob/Gyn. Tony and I had a discussion about this:
Tony says:
if i dont get into honors englihs, and i never go anywhere… can i be like… your receptionist or w/e
Liz says:
that would be loads of fun
Liz says:
my vag receptionist
Tony says:
HAHAH!!
Liz says:
women would come to my office from miles around to get their vages checked out, just to see your smiling face
Tony says:
“And what brings you to enter Liz’s Vagina… *cough* clinic *cough… this fine day?”
Liz says:
hahahahhahahhaha
Liz says:
Liz’s Vagina (clinic)
Liz says:
Vagina clinic?
Liz says:
hahah
Tony says:
hah..
Tony says:
i’d totally work at the LV( C )
Tony says:
that’s what we’ll call it
Liz says:
i dontknow if id go to a place called a Vagina Clinic
Liz says:
sounds a bit sketchy to me
Tony says:
ahhhh true.. i only see it from the male veiwpoint.. and personally id probably “stumble” in there often. i guess we could call it.. the vagina doctor… or The VD HAHA
Liz says:
HAHA
Tony says:
you’d go there right?
Liz says:
totally
Tony says:
ok
Liz says:
stumbling into my vagina (clinic) all the time
Tony says:
HAHA!!
Liz says:
people falling in there every day
Tony says:
well, if i dont make it out.. ill just stay and welcome everyone who enters… i.e. receptionist
Liz says:
hahah
Liz says:
with your little desk and telephone
Liz says:
if i gave you a paycheck, would it be considered prostitution?
Tony says:
HAHAHAH!!
Liz says:
id make you wear a uniform
Tony says:
i have no clue.. probably.. but that makes it funnier
Tony says:
damn… what kind?
Liz says:
a raincoat
Tony says:
HAHA
Liz says:
You’d even get paid vacation every 28 days.
ony says:
what about compensation for overtime? and dental..
Liz says:
im basically a dentist
Liz says:
without the teeth
Tony says:
never thought of it that way
Liz says:
on youdont need workers comp
Liz says:
thats where babies are protected, and you will be too
Tony says:
k, good, so the possiblity of injury is nil
Liz says:
well
Tony says:
oh…
Liz says:
make sure you let me know when youre in there
Liz says:
you never know when we might have an intruder
Liz says:
of either the Matthew- kind or the Purple Vibrating- kind
Tony says:
ok.. ill keep a fully loaded ak under my desk…
Liz says:
no!
Tony says:
oh
Tony says:
ok
Tony says:
damn
Liz says:
that might damage my cervix
Liz says:
and not to mention leak battery acid everywhere
Tony says:
hahah!
Liz says:
and not to mention peepee bullet wounds
Liz says:
have you ever seen a bullet lodged in a man’s urethra?
Liz says:
not pretty
iz says:
but youll just have to call me on the Vag-o-Phone whenever you’re putting in some overtime
Tony says:
well. ill program you as speed dial 1… sd 2 will be pizza sd 3 will probably be that fat person sex hotline.. adn the rest ill just change randomly
Liz says:
hahaha
Liz says:
i must warn you though… the vagophone is just two tin cans tied together with some string
Liz says:
and by two tin cans, i mean ovaries
Liz says:
and by string, i mean fallopian tubes
Liz says:
(it’s a themed clinic)
Tony says:
damn.. those things get horrible reception when it rains.. but ill go with it..
ony says:
seriously if we built something like this.. it would be like walking into willy wonkas living room… cept it’d be willy wonkas vagina…
Tony says:
i guess
Liz says:
hahah
Liz says:
like on that movie
Liz says:
with robin williams
Tony says:
patch adams?
Liz says:
yeah
Liz says:
“watch your step, it’s slippery in there
iz says:
we could have tiger lillies growing outisde
Tony says:
would taht go wtih theme?
Liz says:
theyre the only orange flower i could think of
Liz says:
unless you can think of an orange bush
Tony says:
ahh true.. merigolds.. bloom orange and then change to gold.. we could get burnt roses…
Tony says:
oh yea.. btw my moms a botanist
Liz says:
i hate roses
Tony says:
yeah me too.. i dont like thorns.. but i like the smell
Liz says:
i thought that said bosnian at first
Tony says:
hahah
Tony says:
no, we’re not communist
Liz says:
hahahah, my vagina doesnt smell like roses
Liz says:
it smells like liz
Tony says:
merigolds smell like liz… i think
Liz says:
hahah
Tony says:
ive seen a liz-ard on a merigold
Liz says:
we’d hve to mow them down whenever we get company
Tony says:
hahahahha
Liz says:
or maybe just keep a strip of them lining the sidewalk
So I started this blog on Friday, and it’s now Wednesday. Oh geez. Friday was one of the worst days of my life. And since this blog is meant to entertain and not to draw sympathy, I won’t get into it. Just remember to use birth control, kids.
That said, I used to not agree with spanking, but after babysitting on Friday, I realize that you just cannot reason with children. They don’t understand speaking calmly and telling them exactly what they’re doing that is making you so “sad”. Nothing is going to happen until you spank their bitch asses.
I went home hysterical, after the mom came home an hour late. I had plans with Alley Jo, but I had to postpone them for a few hours, and instead of going to Jackson, we went to Martin. w00t.
We did have fun, though. I bought $40.48 worth of… adult… items…
Here are some things I got for my birthday:
- 2 fancy shirts from my mommy.
- A… quilt… from Gramma Linda.
- Money from mommy.
- Money from daddy.
- Paint from Alley Jo.
- A fancy razor from Alley Jo (to prevent Penis vs. Cactus. It works! Thanks, Alley Jo!)
- A wastebasket from Nana and Favee.
- Money from Papa.
- A bulletin board thing from Mama.
- A bellydancing DVD from Mama. (I may regret having asked for that… Or I might “accidentally” throw out a hip the day before her birthday party.)
- An oven mitt from Colleen. (The cliche’ eightteenth birthday present)
- A beeeeeeautiful marquis cut blue topaz ring with diamond accents set in white gold. < 3
My favourite is Matt’s ring.
(Colleen, I’m just saying that so he doesn’t feel bad. You know I love your oven mitt… I’ll use it for… cooking…)
But indeed, I was very surprised at my ring. Matt has excellent taste.
And as soon as his mouf gets better, he’s taking me to fancy dinner. At Famous Dave’s. We have to get reservations.
Just kidding. We’re going to the melting pot.
Alley Jo took me birthday shopping, and I found this blue bathmat with rubber spikey things on it:
Liz: Ew! That makes me want to sit on it naked and go like this! *thrusts hips to and fro*
Alley: …
Liz: …Did I say that out loud?…
For my birthday, Jade took me to China Pan, the new Chinese restaurant… that serves sushi… I though it odd that she chose a Chinese restaurant, but I didn’t really make much of it. We got this bean thing that looked like a baby’s vagina. I’ll have pictures of that eventually.
But yes, Asians -did- sing happy birthday to me. ”Happy Birsday,” actually. It was kind of cute, actually. I got a creme puff with tomatoes, cucumbers, and oranges. Oh, those Asians.
Remember when Maury was about 10 year old sluts? I miss those days. I haven’t seen an episode in the past year that wasn’t about baby daddies.
You know how I talk in my sleep? Matthew said that during my nap today, I said something about blowjobs and toys.
He didn’t understand anything else. His ears just perked up when he heard the B word.
So in conclusion, I’m sorry it’s been so long since I’ve blogged. But absence makes the blog grow fonder.
I still Mississippi you and owe you several holiday’s worth of gift-type items and King of Town laughs.
When do we start work? I strapped (on) for cash. And I checked Tennessee’s blue book… it wont be prostitution to pay me.
Im going to have to invent a shrink-o-ray for this.
am i to believe that my present has not hit your doorstep yet?
maybe the mail people decided not to give it to you. it was really heavy, and i was worried that i didnt put enough stamps on. and because it was in an envelope. and it was…. well i dont want to ruin it if you have gotten it/will get it. so nevermind. if it doesnt come by next wednesday, i’ll tell you.
Woah–babysitting four kids? I think I’d be poking my eyes out with spoons by the end of that. But I’m no big fan of children, so maybe that wouldn’t be as awful as it sounds. Hmm, could care less bugs the crap out of me as well, and I try to explain it to those I know who say it, but then I just get funny looks. Ooch on widsom teeth removal, that’s no fun. And you have some most entertaining conversations with friends.