Monday Bear

So Matthew came over and suprised me. It was quite the adventure. He stayed for a few days, but left the day that my mom was coming home. What a coincidence. Anwyho, he’s still the best in the world.
You know how men are with their cars. You also know that I’m not dating a “man,” per se. (He’s better.) Matt was talking about some car, the Tesla, about how awesome it is, yeah yeah yeah, it’s pretty, it’s electric, it saves the environment, Liz hugs trees, yeah yeah yeah. Since Matthew isn’t really the car kind of guy, I figured this must be one hell of a car since he’s going on about it. I decided to do my own research:
Holy shit. This is one hell of a car. When I saw it, I literally creamed my panties.
Well, maybe not literally.
But almost.
But it’s sooo sexy. And it doesn’t use gas! It’s not a hybrid… it’s a full ass electric car.
When Matthew and I get that, we are going to be the sexiest couple with the sexiest car in Nashville, Tennessee.

We don’t need no stinking house.

Just see for your fing self:

:: cream ::

So a couple people have been complaining that I haven’t been posting any fun- filled myspace bulletins. Welp, I don’t want to. But to satiate your cravings, I found one, weeded out the gay questions, and I am posting the okay/ groovy questions sporadically throughout this post. You are so welcome.

1. The last person I kissed was:
Mattchew.

He decided that he doesn’t want to “pay someone to borrow a place to sleep” until he’s making more money. Understandable. I’ll wait for him. Whatev. I’ll just have to deal with creepy roommates/ community baths for who knows how long.

5. When I’m nervous I:
turn pink, talk too much, or start humpin’ shit.

Really, I shouldn’t worry about having a creepy roommate. I probably will be the creepy roommate.

9. My hair is:
Big and orange, like UT.

And I really shouldn’t worry about community baths either. I don’t even shower. I’ll just shower at Matt’s house. In the upstairs shower. Because seriously, I’d probably rather shower at school than in Matt’s shower.
7. If I were to get married right now my maid of honor/best man would be:
some hobo

Here are some things I want for my birthday, August 5.

• An oil change.
• A small wastebasket for my dorm room.
• XL Twin bedsheets for my dorm room.
• A Belly Dancing for fitness/ weight loss DVD.
• A laptop.

10. When I was 5:
I made cookies with my dad and faked headaches to get baby asprin. It tasted like oranges.

My bedroom smells like gasoline, Matthew, and yesterday, a fart. Matthew ate too much salsa whilst he was here. I’m not really sure why it smells like gasoline, unless someone’s just trying to burn my house down and kill me again. Oh well.

11. Last Christmas:
my grandparents got me a king james version bible.

So we were doing splits today at ballet. (And I must say, my splits do kick some serious ballet ass.):

“Liz thinks she’s -all that- just because her cooter touches the floor.”
- Emily

13. I should be:
inflatable

Emily just wishes her cooter touched the floor when she does her splits. Not everybody’s cooter can be as floor- touchin’ as mine. I’ve got the floor- touchin’est cooter at Union City Dance Academy.

16. If I were a Character on Friends I would be:
Marcel the Monkey

Also today at ballet, I didn’t wear tights and a leotard because I haven’t done laundry in quite some time. I wore some athletic cheerleader- esque shorts and a tank top. And panties, because I didn’t want my cooter to show when I spread my legs.

17. By this time next year?
my boobs will be the size of two small manitees, at this rate.

When I was little, I wore panties with my tights and leotard. You’re not supposed to do that when you’re a big girl, or you may get a yeast infection. I always preach the slightly younger girls about that.

18. Current Relationship Status:
duh.

Ways to avoid a yeast infection:

• Don’t wear too many layers, esp. when you’re working out. Let it breathe.
• Always take your clothes off after exercising or swimming. Candida fungus thrives in dark, moist places. Guhross.
• Eat acidic foods. Keep your acidic cavity happy.
• Don’t wear those scented tampons. Ever. The only people who can smell that you’re bleeding are dogs. And they aren’t people.
• Don’t do it up the butt and then do it up the vag without switching condoms or cleaning him off.
• Wipe front to back. Always.

Your jiney is a temple. Treat it as such.

20. Sometimes at family gatherings:
my overweight, moustached, holy rollin’ grandmother makes me sit in her lap.

But back to the panties. I got really hot during class, so I took my shorts off. This was after splits.

Emily: I’m suprised you’re wearing underwear.
Liz: I wasn’t going to, but I didn’t want my cooter to show when I spread my legs.
Emily: Your cooter doesn’t show when you do the splits.

21. You know I like you if:
i ask your permission before i piss on your leg

Enough about cooters. I’m much too ______ for such a plebeian blog topic…

So there was this red condom from the Hustler store that someone didn’t trust. But it matched someone else’s red underwears.

Relax, it’s just boink.

23. Take my advice:
always wear sunscreen, even in the winter. Even if you do look thinner with a tan, it will give you premature wrinkles.

This shirt makes me look/ feel like one of those pornstars. One of those amatuer pornstars that talks about how cute she is on camera, but we all really know she has no self esteem and is really just doing it because this guy is paying her $200.

24. My ideal breakfast is:
cold pizza and a diet coke

But seriously, some of these girls (the really ugly ones) are getting paid $200 to suck a cock/ have a 16 inch dildo shoved up her ass -and- have anyone who wants to (including their brother/ father) see it. These girls could easily make the same amount (maybe even more) just by doing the same thing and -not- have it recorded and released. Sure, it’s illegal, but it can be kept a secret.

26. Sometime soon I plan to visit:
a huge fucking snake.

There was this episode of Law and Order that I was listening to my mom watch:

Some filmmaker (horny guy) hired an actress (whore) to make a pornographic film (have sex) with him, and someone found out. He won the case, because he was the filmmaker and stuntcock. They even had a script (dirty talk), wardrobe (underwears), and a score (humming).

27. If you spend the night at my house:
i’ll let you have trixies bed

I don’t know if I’d like to be on a kids’ show. I mean, you’re scrutinized even more than if you were just a plain old celebrity. Take Hugh Grant and PeeWee:

They both had sexual misdemeanors. Hugh is Caught with a whore (Brown Sugar, was that her name?). Fine. He gets a slap on the wrist and continues making films.

PeeWee, however goes to a pornographic theatre and plays with his peewee, he gets jail time, and his show is cancelled.

All because he had a kids’ show.

28. I’d stop my wedding if:
my hair went frizzy. just kidding. i wouldn’t even stop it if a huge monday bear came in and ate all of the congregation.

But seriously, what else do you do at a pornographic theatre? When you’re at home and being a normal person watching porn, what do you do? You jerk off. Why shouldn’t you be aloud to jerk off in a pornographic theatre?

29. The world could do without:
more less chicken

PeeWee was busted for public indecency. AKA, showing his wang in a public place. In a dark theatre. WHERE THERE ARE HUGE WANGS AND MORE ON THE SCREEN. I’m sure everyone in that theatre had seen a wang, unless they had their eyes closed, and just happened to open them on PeeWee’s peewee.

30. I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than:
“go on a date with toby keith” here, here.

If I had my own pornographic theatre, I would allow masturbation. I would even allow sex. The way I see it, that’s just an added perk for the other theatregoers. If they don’t like what’s going on on the screen, they can just watch the couple behind them.

31. The most recent thing i bought myself was:
fancy undawears. what can i say, im a good girlfriend.

And if they don’t like the couple behind them, they can watch PeeWee jack off.

32. The most recent thing someone else bought for me was:
hopefully lots of things. it’s my birthday coming up, you know.

Geez, there would be alot less problems if there was no such thing as sex.

I can’t believe I just wrote that.

33. I hate people who:
eat too much

But there would be. Couples fight about sex all the time. Sexual crimes are committed. It causes unwanted pregnancy and disease. (As opposed to that desired disease). It stains your sheets. It makes your bedroom smell like cat food.

34. I love people who:
are skinny, artistic, cute, and stubbly.

But if there was no such thing as sex, my blogs would be about pooping and pooping alone.

I guess sex is good after all.

37. The animals I would like to see flying besides birds are:
trixie. and paco and xavi

Mrs. Sacchi and the scale say I’m getting thinner. However, I just appear to myself to be getting fatter and fatter and fatter and fatter and fatter. Not that I care.

…

38. I shouldn’t have:
eaten pizza and ice cream in the same day.

Okay, I really do care. Matt doesn’t care. He thinks I have a perfect body. He’s just got on Love Goggles.

39. Once, at a bar:
jade and i got kicked out because we were only sixteen

Ouch…

41. There’s this guy I know who:
ate a whole sandwich. and a half.

Love Goggles. Isn’t that cute? I made it up. It’s like beer goggles, except without all the vomitting.

42: I don’t know:
the quadratic formula anymore

Maybe I should just stop wearing pastels and start dressing like a 14 year old goth kid. That would make me look thinner.

But I don’t care.

44. When I’m in class I am really thinking about:
um…

“Oh, Liz, you’re so NC17″
- Kristen Ward.

That or Mr West dressed up as a vampire, thanks to tharon.

And the chubbly wubbly bear came a- tumblin’ down.

Oh, that Zephyr. She and Leah are my pre-friends for MTSU. And Matthew, but that doesn’t really count. I’m excited. Not nervous, just excited.

So in conclusion, I’d kind of like to learn spinning. I hear it’s all the rage in Oklahoma.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, July 26th, 2006 at 2:31 PM and is filed under Breasts, Dance, Food, Nasty, Pooping, Secks, Television. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.