Monday Bear

So the results are in… MondayBear.com is the third most popular site on the interweb, right after pr0n.com and DrPhil.com.

I’m telling you though, I’d get so many more hits if it was NakedLiz.com instead of Monday Bear… but who can resist that cute little fuzzy bear face?

So I’ve been really stressed out for the past week. I wish I would go ahead and start my period, just so I could stop this PMS mess.

Way to start out on a gross note, Liz.
While I’m at it, Matthew and Justin raised this question:
Does a Monday Bear shit in the woods?

No, stupid, he poops in a litter box.
Matthew disagrees: He poops in Wal*Mart, because that used to be the woods.

Litter boxes used to be the woods, too. Everything used to be the woods. Even the ocean. And especially litter boxes.

I’m offended that anyone would think that someone as civilized as Monday Bear would shit like a barbarian.

Colleen retracts butter from the container like one.
Now she’s 1% my blog.

Speaking of which, here is a pie chart she made in reference to my blogging:

The 37% Pooping is supposed to be 47%. She’s just retarded.

Also, here is a picture she sent me in reference to my last blog. I pretty much pissed all over myself.

That would be Terri Callis, momma extrordinaire.

And while we’re at it, here’s a graf Matt made for me about 10 years ago.

And I mean like 4 months ago.

My 6th grade math teacher used to say “graft” instead of “graph.” It got on my nerves like whoa. I always wanted to say, “Like a skin graft?” But I was too scared I would get in trouble for my witty retort.
We always said that she flirted with Mr. Baily, the science teacher, because she would always lean against the wall in the hallway when she was talking to him, and she would bend her knee and put her foot on the wall, exposing her slip (oh noes) out from under her teacher- esque red jumper. Anywho, one day, I caught Mr. Baily saying “graft.” I knew then that the rumours were true.
She also said “borrie” instead of “borrow”. This got on several people’s nerves. One day, 6th grade badboy BJ Duncan said, “How do you spell borrie?” and Mrs. Bras said, “B-O-R-… Get in the hall!”

That was the best day of my life.

So speaking of Monday Bear shitting in the woods, Matthew and Justin discussed a plog, or a pooping blog. I’ve considered this several times, but I decided it wouldn’t go over too well… I mean seriously, who wants to read about pooping, anyway?…

But I told Matthew that I don’t think I could keep up a pooping blog, because that would just be way too much blogging. I pooped 5 times yesterday. No shit! (HAHAHA)

But Liz, how do you find the time to poop five times in one day?

It’s simple. Each poop takes me 15 seconds to 2 minutes. They usually average around 30- 45 seconds. Wiping may or may not take more time, depending on the nature of the poo.

Also, I just poop a little bit each time. Ususally. I probably poop the same volume as most people, only spread out throughout the whole day.

So you’re cheating.

Hardly. I find it quite impossible to poop a day’s worth of poop in one sitting shitting session.

“Liz, Let’s be completely honest with each other. Isn’t every blog a pooping blog?”
- Alley Jo
So a month ago or so, Matthew and I were grocery shopping (aw.) and I saw two dudes who I would have liked to avoid, so I told Matthew, and so we headed out of there. Welp, one of those people called Alley Jo yesterday asking about me…! As a sidenote, he has an overbite. But this is the best part: He said, “I saw her in E-Dubs with some guy who looked like Shaggy from Scooby Doo…

HA!

I love that man.

(Matthew, not creepy overbite dude.)

(And well, yeah, I kinda do love Shaggy.)

Let’s just home he doesn’t eat a big ass sandwich and go crazy on my ass for blogging such things.

I’m sure overbite dude was just jealous of Matthew though.

: )

Here is a list of people who never call me back:

• Holly Ann.

Just to be fair, here is a list of people who I need to call, because I, Liz, never call anyone back:

• “Elijah”
• Emily

Speaking of which, don’t you hate it when someone changes their nickname, and you’re the last to know? I mean, I’m sure it’s awkward for the person to say, “Hey, I’m not Liz anymore. I’m Copperhead.”

But Dan is, indeed, a very awkward boy.

Whose guitar was stolen : (

My brother went by “Smiley” in high school. Girls would call my house asking for “Smiley.” How was I supposed to know my brother’s nickname? I was just a lowly seventh grader. I told them they had the wrong number.

It hardly ever works to give yourself a nickname. Many people tried doing this in middle school without success.

It’s also difficult to give someone else a nickname and have it stick. Some of them stick for a few months [Such as Frenchie, in the 5th grade, given to me by Alix, and Weezer, in the 9th grade, given to me by Katie, who was mean to me all the time because she thought I did acid...], but most of them are only used for one day, if they are used more than one time at all. Examples:

Joseph: She snorts when she laughs. I’m going to start calling her Cocaine.
Matthew H: I like your socks. I’m going to start calling you Tubey.

These two happened on the same night, about three years ago at Emily’s house. I think Hurt called me Tubey one more time, but that was it. He probably got too drunk and forgot everything.

I think Zephyr has stuck, but only because of the interweb.

“Is that her real name?”
“…yes…”
“No it’s not.”
“Jessica… Blow…”
“I like Zephyr.”

I love her : )

I made myself an omlette for breffis this morning. It was pretty good, except I forgot to put cheese inside. I was all excited about it being solid enough to fold, and then when I realized that I had to put cheese in it, it was already cooked together, thus un- unfoldable.

It was still totally lickin’, nonetheless.

So last night, I was bitching to Matthew about my mother, and he said, “You’re like one of those kids that blog.”

yeah.

I have new pictures up on facebook, if anyone would like to have a peek. There isn’t really anything that interesting. Some pictures of me and Matthew looking really skanky (what’s new) and some more of Steve and Holly (what’s new).

I’m getting a Brazillian wax for on my birthday. I’m probably going to cry.

At least there won’t be any complainage about the infamous Penis vs. Cactus issue.

I almost died last night. Mom and I were playing cards and eating popcorn, and I won. (The playing cards part; we aren’t that competitive about salty- snack- eating.)
Mom: You neva did used to win that game. You grown now. You be all strategizin’…
Liz: *takes a bite of popcorn*
Mom: …and shit.

This is the part where I almost died. I sucked a kernal down my breathin’ hole. My epiglottis failed me. I was afraid for my life, because for about 5 seconds, I couldn’t cough. Then I forced out a half- assed cough, which let it loose a little bit, and with about 2 minutes of coughing thereafter, the colonal kernal was free.

At times like these, I’m thankful for my big butt. Giving a half- assed cough sufficed, because when I give a half- assed anything, it’s like any normal person using his or her whole ass.

And poor Matthew, he has to give most things a double- assed effort.

“Hiya, bunkmate… do you love me?”

So my campus living situation has kind of changed… I don’t go into detail, because quite frankly, it’s pretty boring, and my fingaz is tired.

Fingaz is Justin’s gay boy nickname. It’s on the back of his gay boy t-shirt.

I don’t really care to know why.

Sarah Smith came by yesterday and we watch Dr. Phil. She got me a present from Yellowstone National Park. It’s a book called Who Pooped in the Park?. It’s about how to differentiate between different types of poop from different aminals in Yellowstone National Park.

I found out that my poop looks like that of a Badger, but sometimes that of a Mule Deer, when I’ve been eating my veggies.

But when I was a vegetarian, it always looked like that of a mule deer.

So in conclusion, It’s only 1:41 PM, and I’ve already pooped twice. And I’m still in my jammies! The day is young… Carpe Diem.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, July 19th, 2006 at 1:46 PM and is filed under Awkward Scenarios, Food, Nasty, Pooping. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.