Monday Bear

So I’m nekkid in someone else’s house at the moment.� Matt’s house.� Well, Matt’s mom’s house.� It would be different if it were just Matt’s house, but no, I’m naked in the home of his mom, his stepdad, Colleen, and him.
Well, I’m actually wearing underpants, because I was looking at this website about this nudist colony that I was thinking about visiting, and I was reading the rules, and one said that towels had to be used at all times when sitting.

How embarrassing.

I think at certain times, we should ignore the fact that we leak fluids.� At certain times, we should ignore the fact that we have genitalia.� But most of the time, we should embrace our genitalia.� Not nessecarily by showing it to strangers on the street, talking to our grandparents about it, or, say, piercing it, but just being comfortable with the fact that girls have jineys and boys have peni.

“Show me your clit!”
- Some guy on the street.

Now, boobs, sure.� Snatch, maybe if you’re feeling nasty.� But what kind of screwed up Mexican wants to see my clitoris and only my clitoris?

You need not show me the rest of your vulva, only your clitoris.� Clitoris is all that I need, and all that I want.� If you show me more than your clitoris, I will vomit.� With disgust.

Matthew, that wonderful man who I love, can be a complete asshole when he wants to be.� So can Colleen’s friend Wolfgang.

“Wolfgang and Matt should have a jerk- off.”
- Colleen

This was said over dinner.

And Matthew and I still haven’t had our poop- off.

Michele is still rooting for me.

I pooped a few minutes ago, right before I blogged this blog.� It was pretty pleasant.� Since I’m on a laptop, I thought about blogging from the toilet for you blogfans, because I knew that we would -all- enjoy that, but alas, my pooper is way too fast for blogging.� It takes approximately an hour to blog, and approximately 30 seconds to poop.� By my calculations, instead of blogging for you, I could be pooping 120 times.� That only includes one wipe and flush though.� But anywho, I figure only a few of us can enjoy my poop, but blogs are fun for everyone!

Speaking of enjoying poop, I read in Stuff Magazine about these pills you can take that make your poop shine.� They’re capsules full of gold flakes, and they’re $250 for 3 capsules.� I would love to have sparkley poop.� Would you buy my poop if it were sparkley?� I’d buy it if I couldn’t get it for free.

I saw this on one of those myspace bulletins.� If your poop smelled and tasted like cinnamon rolls, and it could harm your body in no way, would you eat it?

I asked my mom, and she said no.

I think that’s retarded.� Why wouldn’t you eat your poop?� It’s good.

I mean would be good.
So you may wonder why I was reading Stuff Magazine.� Besides the fact that I’m a dyke.� Nana gave it to Matt.� Now, Matt isn’t really the type to read Stuff Magazine.� (I mean, psht, he does have Liz, doesn’t he?� Who needs Brooke Burke when you have Liz’s pastey fluffy goodness.)� And well, we all need some reading material from time to time.

Liz:� Ooh, Justin…
Matt:� Ooh, chick on the cover of that magazine…

Dan called me while I was reading the other day
“Oh, isn’t that what dudes read to look a girls?”
- Dan

Here are some things I miss right now:

• Weezer
• Pedro the Lion
• Mommy
• Matthew (he’s been at work for like 4 and a half hours)
• Pete
• I Love Lucy
• Eureka’s Castle
• Talking into fans
• Happy Meals
• My days of the week panties that John Sawyer exposed in PE in kindergarten
• Tigi hair products
• My fauxhawk
• Jess Cranford
• Zephyr

“Wow, are those real?!?!”
- Zephyr, re:� RJ Trapp’s arm muscles.

Eric is beefy.� Still.

Speaking of which, the other day was my brother’s birfday.� He’s 23.

I got a little bit of Pedro the Lion yesterday, via my ipod (Matt is a genius).� But a.) it died, and b.) I had massive amounts of H2O in my ear, so I couldn’t hear very well.� I think Matthew should listen to Big Trucks to become more comfortable with my driving.� I’m going just as fast as I can : )
I used to talk to Dave from Pedro quite often, but we lost contact since I’ve been devoting every ounce of my being to What’s His Face.
All the girls in Matt’s high school gave him a blowjorb just so he could be homecoming queen.
Remember when Pizza Hut used to give you a toy whenever you got a Personal Pan Pizza?� They were good toys, too.� I remember when they had Eureka’s Castle puppets.� I still have mine.� I got Eureka and Batly.� I remember when Batly was faking sick and he said, “My hair hurts!”� HA!� That cracked me up.

Which is better, Lenny or Squiggy?� Tune in next time for my response.

Remember when McDonalds gave you cookies whenever you got a Happy Meal?� Remember when they stopped doing that?� That freaking sucked.

I had a dream last night that I was on my way to high school with Matthew, but I had to stop by the bank first.� There were three tellers who looked like they were about my age, but they sucked at their job.� I yelled at them and caused a scene.� I just lost it.� I embarrassed both myself and Matthew.� I told them I would never bank there again.
I went to this other bank, and they called me and several of my friends into this meeting.� At first, it was about Secret Santa, but then this Theme Park wedding (recurring dream), but then she started tearing up and talking about aliens, and she put her arm around this guy, and she said something to the effect of “It’s okay to be creepy and freak out, but we have to be professional at times.� Then she opened the blind of this upstairs window, and a Goodyear blimp was flying outside.� For some reason, I started to cry a little bit, but I held back my tears for the sake of embarrassment.� I looked to either side, and both Jessica Jones and Zephyr were crying like little girls.� I said, “It’s okay Jessica,” and put my arm around both of them.� I would have said it to Zephyr, too, but I remembered that her real name is Jessica, so it just would have been redundant.
But anywho, I was so freaking late, I decided not to go to school.
Then I was interning with this therapist, and she was working with people who had things bad wrong with them, and she couldn’t stop from crying with each patient.� I let her go home, and I took over for her.

Then Matthew said, “It’s time for pretty little girls to get up,” and I opened my eyes, and he was sitting beside me, smiling.� He’s so beautiful.� I said, “Is that me?”� and he nodded yes, so I had to get up.� I told him my dream, and he held me and said, “It’s okay, baby.� You aren’t in high school anymore.� You’re not late.

Speaking of late, Lia isn’t pregnant.� She’s on the rag.

Plus, she’s a virgie.

So I took Matthew to work (Parking costs $5) and came back here to go to sleep.� And sleep I did.� Until 11… 15.

But I also dreamt.� I dreamt that Matt’s family and I were going camping on the border of Mexico.� We were set on having Keilbasa (sp?).� It cost $250 to send it over the border, but gosh darnit, we love our sausages.� Matt wanted to go to this Mexican soccer thing/ concert, so I told him I’d stay up all night with him and go to it with him at 3AM.� The line was huge. � There were lots of homeless Mexicans everywhere, and we passed CBGB’s (the Mexican one) and about 72 people I knew.� And we woke up dew- covered in a sleeping bag.

But then I decided since it was almost noon, it was, indeed, time for pretty little girls to get up.� Again.

“Hey, there’s CBGB, that famous t-shirt store!”
- Some funny guy on a TV show.

This woman just called me about a teaching job, and I declined it.� I had been stressing myself out about it, and since I’m going to be going through alot of transitions, I don’t think I need such a jobby job.� I felt really bad, because she was super excited for me working with her.� She really wanted me, but she said she appreciated that I was frank with her about my declination.� However, I feel like I should feel alot better, but I don’t.� I’m still stressed.� I don’t think I would be happy with that job, because it requires alot of responsibility, (she said I would be the only one she’s ever hired under 20 years old), but I don’t think I’ll really be satisfied with my decision until a.) school starts, or b.) I find another job in this area that embraces my skills and personality.

Here are some other things I’m stressed about:

• Money
• Customs (Freshman orientation) next week
• Leaving Matthew for Customs.

I’m having so much fun with him, and we make each other happy, and I don’t want it to stop.� It’s hard to enjoy the time I do have with him, because I’m stressing about next week.� I do stuff like that a lot.

I did shave my legs this morning, though, and they’re nice and smooth.� That makes me feel a little bit better.

I talked to Zephyr yesterday.� She’s so happy about this manfriend : )� I’m proud of her.� She finally has someone who really does care about her, and she really digs him as well.� Here are some things that he and my boyfriend have in common:

• They’re both internet predators
• Their first names are both Matthew
• They don’t usually date younger ladies
• They are both computer nerds
• They’re both arsty fartsy
• They both have a lovely taste in music
• They’re both pretty
• They’re both greasy

The last one is my favourite.� Zephyr’s (Cody) is a result of Tigi wax, but Matthew’s is au natural.

Holly looks really hot in her facebook picture.� Once I get in a position to do so, I will have pictures up of she and I being vain together.� And by vain, I mean pretty.� In hats.

So in conclusion, I could be watching Johnny Depp with Colleen and Courtney, but Liz has responsibilities.� Like picking her kids (Matthew) up from school (work).
Kind of like “dropping the kids off at the pool”.� But not.
And tell me your favourite Laverne and Shirley funnyman.

This entry was posted on Friday, July 7th, 2006 at 2:41 PM and is filed under Awkward Scenarios, Dating, Dreams, Family, Music, Nasty, Pooping. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.